Boundaries #4

In geography, boundaries are the borders marking a state, a country, or a person's land.  Unlike states on maps, we don't have thick black lines delineating OUR boundaries.  Yet each of us has our own territory.  Our boundaries define and contain that territory, which includes our bodies, minds, emotions, spirit, possessions, and rights.  Boundaries define and surround all our energy, the individual self that we each call "me."  Our borders are invisible, but real.  There is a place where I end and you begin.  My purpose here is to help you learn to identify and have respect for your boundaries.

Boundaries are to protect ourselves.  Melody Beattie, in defining what boundaries are in her book Beyond Codependency, frames boundaries in this way:

"It's a decision to tell someone he or she cannot use us, hurt us, or take what we have, whether those possessions are concrete or abstract.  [It's a decision] to tell them they cannot abuse us, or otherwise invade or infringe on us in a particular way."

I use the term boundary frequently in the recovery work that I do with those with addictive behaviors (most people have addictive behaviors!) and with their loved ones whose lives have been affected by those behaviors.  I use it to describe an action--setting a boundary--meaning an attempt to protect ourselves from something or someone.  Often, when attempting to establish a boundary, what the person is saying to someone is that he or she cannot use us, hurt us, or take what we have, whether those possessions are concrete or abstract.  That person has decided to tell someone that they will no longer be abused or otherwise invaded or infringed upon in a particular way.  The person has decided to no longer allow someone to trample on them.  It is a line in the sand!

WEAK BOUNDARIES FROM CHILDHOOD

      Boundaries are supposed to be taught by parents, but often parents did not have a sense of boundaries, or they built emotional walls instead of boundaries.  They may have had boundaries but with holes in them, or they did not have consequences that put "teeth" into the boundaries.  Parents may not have had boundaries growing up on their own actions or the actions of those around them. Thus the dysfunction can be multi-generational, and the dysfunction can powerfully distill to the present.  Inappropriate generational roles among extended family members, and inappropriate roles between one's family and other families, can also hurt boundary formation.

Although some people are fortunate enough to emerge into adulthood knowing who they are, and what their rights are and aren't, many emerge into adulthood with damaged, scarred, or non-existent boundaries.  Those who saw them modeled well learned not to trespass on other people's territories and do not now allow others to invade theirs.  They have healthy boundaries and a solid sense of self.  But for others, boundaries are inconsistent, rarely or never attached to consequences, or are completely off their radar.

Having not learned or been taught about boundaries growing up, or having had family disregard any boundaries they may have attempted to have, a child will construct thick and high emotional walls to protect themselves from being hurt further.  Children may have weak or non-existent emotional boundaries if they felt emotionally or physically neglected or abandoned, or weren't raised with appropriate discipline and limits.  Regretfully, some children are sometimes forced into inappropriate roles with those around them.

      Such children may not have developed a "self," an identity, or a healthy sense of self-esteem, because it is challenging for a "self" to form in a void, or when consistently disregarded.  As an adult, to protect yourself as a coping strategy, you may have used that emotional wall constructed in childhood.  It serves as a sort of protective castle, not allowing anybody to get in to hurt you, but also as a prison, not allowing you to emotionally get out.

Abuse, humiliation, or shame by one's caregivers damages boundaries.  Abuse, humiliation, or shame, do not necessarily have had to have been received in significant or memorable ways.  They can even be the result of a one-time put down, or a non-verbal glance or scowl.  All of these can result in an inability to have boundaries.  As an adult, you are vulnerable to invasion in many areas, until such time you increase in your self-esteem and can begin to create borders for yourself.

       How you connected with your primary caregivers determined how you presently connect with others as adults.  Your boundaries determine how you fit or bond with those around you.  If you have weak boundaries, you may get lost in another's territory.

If you as a child or youth had to take care of someone who was supposed to be your caregiver, you may believe other people's thoughts, feelings, and problems are your responsibility.  If you lived with someone who encouraged you to be overly dependent on them as your caregiver, you may not have learned how to have a complete sense of self.  You may have entered into adulthood feeling like you were half of something, less than, or needed another person to be complete.

Controlling, insecure people invade territories.  They trespass, and think that it's their right to do so.  If you lived with someone who tried to control your thoughts, body, or feelings, your boundaries will have been damaged.  If your right to your emotions, thoughts, body, privacy, and possessions wasn't respected, you may not realize as an adult that you have rights. You may not fully understand that others have rights either.

With weak boundaries from childhood, if you as an adult often whine or complain or experience anger or rage toward another, these are clues that interpersonal boundaries need to be set.  The behavior of others you cannot stand, do not like, obsess about, or hate, are areas that may be crying out for boundaries.  The boundary process doesn’t mean an initial absence of feeling angry, whining, or complaining.  It means learning to listen closely to yourself to hear what you’re saying and feeling.  These things are indicators of problems, just like an “idiot light” on a car dashboard.  Your physical body can also tell you when a boundary is necessary.  You may need to get a little upset to motivate yourself to finally establish a boundary, but you don’t need to stay resentful to enforce it.

      Some people, especially loved ones, may get angry at you for setting boundaries, particularly if you’re changing an interpersonal “system” by establishing a boundary where you previously had none.  People especially become angry if you’ve been caretaking them, in one form or another, or allowing them to use or control you, and you decide it’s time to change the dynamic.  Boundaries are to take care of you, not to control others.  Often, the key to setting boundaries isn’t so much convincing other people you are serious and have limits—it’s convincing yourself to do whatever it takes.  

It is okay to say “no” or “no more.” But what you do needs to match what you say.  It doesn’t do any good to set a boundary unless you’re ready to enforce it, and that takes both energy and self-esteem.  For example, if your boundary is to not allow your 7-year old to sleep in your bed, then rationalize or not reinforce it, it’s not a boundary, it’s a wish. 

A woman went to her therapist and recited her usual and regular tirade of complaints about her husband.  “When will this stop,” the woman finally asked the counselor.  “When you want it to,” the therapist responded.

ENFORCING BOUNDARIES

Consequences and ultimatums are the best way to enforce boundaries. But establishing consequences and ultimatums require a person to have sufficient self-esteem to follow through.  The good news is that by following through on them, it improves one’s self esteem—which can increase the likelihood that a person will continue to put teeth in their boundaries!  It’s a cycle. Without consequences and ultimatums, boundaries are merely threats or attempts to manipulate.  A failed enforced boundary is an indication that there is more work to be done to strengthen self-esteem and resolve.

Saying or doing things that physically or emotionally challenge us builds self-esteem.  A good message to consistently send to yourself as you build your self-esteem through establishing boundaries with consequences or ultimatums is:  If it makes me feel comfortable, I probably ought not to do it.  But if it makes me feel uncomfortable, I probably ought to do it!

Here are suggestions on how to enforce boundaries:

If your boundary is violated, you need to look at removing something desirable or adding something undesirable to the violator’s life.  For most people, removing something the violator wants is most effective.  For example, if you have a teenager who has little free time, the removal of television privileges accomplishes that.  Sometimes, however, adding a chore for the teenager for a violation can be a deterrent, although that can require your energy and time to supervise.

It is likewise important to not interfere with a natural consequence.  The temptation is to intervene.  Don’t!  Losing a relationship as a result of being selfish, spending the night at a police station after being picked up or having abused someone, missing out on a movie, concert, or event for having spent all their money, a child’s negative reaction to a parent’s misbehavior, or estrangement for violating a rule, are natural consequences and need to be allowed to take their course.  Not all situations have a natural consequence, and you must attempt to apply a consequence of your own making.

A consequence or ultimatum must matter to the violator or it won’t mean much.  The violator needs to want and desire what is being lost, or is added to his/her life.  Knowing the other person’s hearts, interests, and desires are very important.  Occasionally, the violator will not want you to know that your consequence matters to them, but this is a power play.  Or the person may believe that you will drop the consequence as you might have done in the past.  This is not the time to get wobbly or second guess yourself!  Remember, boundaries are about maintaining your sanity, taking care of yourself, and having a non-stressed, non-codependent life.  Try to keep that vision!

If there is a positive response to a boundary, it is important to somehow acknowledge the good behavior.  A person who submits to a consequence can feel humiliated, powerless, weak, alone, or vulnerable.  This is time for grace and comfort and not for lectures.

Setting boundaries with consequences or ultimatums takes practice.  How severe is too severe?  How easy is too easy?  It may seem awkward or unnatural.  If possible, practice them in situations such as at work, other organizations, or with a salesperson, where the stakes are not as high as with family.  This is likely virgin territory.  People who are used to having their own way with you may not like the new, assertive you.  So extend grace to yourself for feeling daunted or afraid, or if you fail to follow through.  You are at least attempting to change who you are or have been.  This is a skill set, a process, and it will develop with practice.  And part of that practice/rehearsal can even take place in front of a mirror!

Here are some examples of boundaries with consequences. This is giving others choices, but giving you choices as well.

• If there is someone who is very angry at you and have raised their voice, consider saying “You may not continue to yell at me.  If you choose to continue, I will choose the leave the room and end this discussion.  It’s up to you.”
•  If there is someone pressuring you to do something immediately and you don’t want to, say something like “I have a policy of not making snap decisions. (Or I need to consult with X)  I need some time to think.  If you need an immediate answer, it will be ‘no’.”
•  If you are facing criticism, you could modify this sentence to a specific situation by calmly stating “It is not okay with me for you to criticize me about my weight.  Please stop.  If you choose not to, this conversation is finished.”
•  If you feel overwhelmed with having too much to do, you can say “Although this is important to me, I can’t help you at this time.” You may choose to give a reason why, but you don’t need to.
• If you sense abuse is imminent, you could say something like the following “I do not feel safe right now and I need to take care of myself.  If you choose not to calm down right now, I will leave, or I'll take the kids and leave.” 

Some of the ideas of this blog posting come from "Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie, and from "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

Codependency

Perhaps you’ve heard the word codependent used.  What is it?  What does it look like in relationships? Am I codependent?  Is my partner? If I have kids, are they codependent with me, and I with them?

In the dictionary, the term codependent is defined as “a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.”  Looking at the word and its roots, “Co” means “jointly or mutually” or “indicating partnership or equality;” “dependent” means “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.”

Combining these definitions, it could be written that codependence involves two people or entities who are mutually “psychologically dependent and addicted, relying on each other in an unhealthy way for aid, support and validation.”

The “relying on each other in a unhealthy way” usually involves an element of one or both of them seeking obsessive control of the other or their situation.  That “other” might be a lover or spouse, a child, an adult, a grandparent, a best friend.  One feels either less than or greater than the other, and believes that they must control that other for that other’s own good.

In the landmark book about codependency called Codependent No More, Melody Beattie defines codependency in this way:  “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”

But she rightly points out that “the definition lies not in the other person, no matter how much one believes it does.  It lies in one’s self, in the ways one has let other people’s behavior affect them: the obsessing, the controlling, the abundance of anger and guilt, other centeredness, abandonment of self, communication problems, and intimacy problems.”

Another way to identify codependency is to look at ourselves to determine if we are reacting instead of acting, allowing others to determine what our action, attitude, or plans will be?  Do I allow them to take away my personal power?  Do I habitually think, feel, and behave toward others in a reactionary way that causes me pain?  Do I overreact to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others?  Do I overreact to my own problems, pains, and behaviors?

It is said that codependency is “the mother of all addictions.”  It is a mother in the sense that nearly everyone is codependent at one time or another.  Even organizations, like political parties, churches, governments or organizations within governments, can be codependent.  Codependence is everywhere!  It is also a mother in that all people that have addictive behaviors or attitudes also have codependent issues; “addicts” are always codependent, and they usually have someone(s) who is trying to rescue them.

Look at the following list as if looking in a mirror, and ask yourself if you sometimes have, or always have, any of these codependent tendencies.  While you will likely identify other people or organizations you are familiar with that display such tendencies, focus on yourself and your behaviors and attitudes.  This could be all about you!

CODEPENDENTS…

• ·         Feel threatened by the loss of any person or thing they think provides them happiness.
• ·         Look to relationships to provide all their good feelings.
• ·         Often seek love from people incapable of loving.
• ·         Worry whether other people love or like them.
• ·         Think they are nobody until somebody “loves” them.
• ·         Tolerate abuse to keep people “loving” them.
• ·         Center their lives around other people.
• ·         Desperately seek love and approval from others.
• ·         Don’t feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves.
• ·         Try to control events or people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, manipulation, or domination.
• ·         Become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally.
• ·         Stay busy so they don’t have to think about things.
• ·         Feel unable to quit talking, thinking, or worrying about other people or problems.
• ·         Beat themselves up for everything, including the way they think, feel, look, act, and behave.
• ·         Get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indignant when others blame and criticize them, something codependents regularly do to themselves.
• ·         Try to prove that they are good enough to other people.
• ·         Feel guilty about spending money on themselves or doing fun or unnecessary things for themselves.
• ·         Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when others have a problem.
• ·         Think and feel responsible for other people—for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, or ultimate destiny.
• ·         Feel compelled—almost forced—to help that person solve their problem, through offering unwanted advice, a list of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
• ·         Anticipate other people’s feelings, and wonder why others don’t do that for them.
• ·         Obsess about what someone is doing in an attempt to control them
• ·         Find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they do not really want to do, doing more than their fair share, and doing things for others that others are capable of doing for themselves.
• ·         Are afraid that people will think less of them.
• ·         Often do not know what they want or need, or if they do, tell themselves that what they want or need is unimportant.
• ·         Feel bored, empty, and worthless if they do not have crisis/drama in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help.
• ·         Blame others for the spot they are in.
• ·         Feel victimized, unappreciated, and used.
• ·         Say other people make them feel the way they do.
• ·         Often do not say what they mean, or mean what they say.
• ·         Ask for what they want and need indirectly—sighing, for example.
• ·         Have a difficult time expressing their feelings honestly, openly, and appropriately.
• ·         Will think or even say “if you really loved me, you would…”
• ·         Apologize for bothering people.
• ·         Think people will go away from them if anger enters the picture, and are controlled by that anger.
• ·         Feel safer with their anger than with hurt feelings.
• ·         Reach a point where they become aggressive because they feel victimized.
• ·         Combine passive and aggressive responses.
• ·         Withdraw emotionally from their partner.
• ·         Have sex when they don’t want to.

(Compiled from lists in Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, and from my own professional experience.)

The list above is one of unhealthy attachments to another person.  Over-involvement in others’ lives produces a state of chaos and detachment from self.  If I am codependent, I have little energy left to live my own life because it has all been spent on others.  Codependence overworks me and underworks them, and ultimately, their problems will not be solved.  I may have even succeeded in making them dependent on me, which is really bad for me and for them, although I may have thought or felt I was rescuing them from themselves.

Codependence is an obsession with another person.  If I am codependent, I can think and talk about nothing else.  I may be listening, but actually my mind is racing and obsessing in compulsive thought.  I am preoccupied with the object of my obsession.  I am living my life in a reactionary way, living for them and through them.  My thoughts and feelings are out of control, and controlling me.  It is all an illusion, a trick I am playing on myself.  And if I do it long enough, it will seem like my “normal.” 

DETACHMENT

If I am obsessively attached to someone or something, the only solution is to detach from that someone or something.  Detachment does not mean that I suddenly become cold, mean-spirited, emotionally withdrawn, unaffected by what happens to other people or things, or living in Pollyanna-like ignorance or bliss.  It does not mean that I stop being responsible to others and to myself.  And it is not removing my love and concern; although sometimes that is the best thing I can do, for a time.

It is a healthy neutrality.  It means I am in the process of learning to love, care, and be involved with another without the crazy obsession.  I am learning to make good decisions, not decisions based upon my anxiety and compulsive thoughts and feelings.  I am not trying to solve another's problems; rather, I am allowing myself the freedom to care and love in ways that don’t hurt me and can help them.  I am finding the ability to live my own life without excessive feelings of guilt or responsibility for others.

In a handout used in Al-Anon, a support group for people whose lives have become crazy because of codependence through the addiction of a loved one, it describes the process of detaching in this way:

"Detachment is based on the premise that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help.  We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off of other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead.  If people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music.  We allow people to be who they are.  We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow.  And we give ourselves that same freedom.  We live our own lives to the best of our ability.  We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change.  Then we stop trying to change things we can't...."

"Detachment involves 'present day living'--living in the here and now.  We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it.  We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future.  We make the most of each day."

"Detachment also involves accepting reality--the facts.  It requires faith--in ourselves, in a Higher Power, in other people, and in the natural order and destiny of things in this world.  We believe in the rightness and appropriateness of each moment.  We release our burdens and cares, and give ourselves the freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems.  We trust that all is well in spite of the conflicts.  We trust that Someone [or Something] greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening.  We understand that this Someone [or Something] can do much more to solve the problem than we can.  So we try to stay out of the way..."

If I can successfully detach, I will achieve the great reward of serenity.  Serenity allows me to experience peace, to be energized to give and receive love, and to figure out the real solutions to my problems. Serenity allows me to love and care in ways that help others and doesn't hurt me. My serenity can even motivate and liberate people around me to begin to solve their own problems as they pick up the slack and begin to worry about themselves.  Serenity helps me to mind my own business.

As I learn to detach, my challenge is to be mindful, to observe my thoughts and feelings.  I can gradually learn to recognize when I am reacting, when someone is trying to yank my chain and pull me into drama. Often, when I react by starting to feel sorry for myself, or feel worried, anxious, outraged, rejected, indignant, ashamed, or confused, that may be an indication that I have been snagged. It then is a matter of exercising a choice to determine how long I want to be snagged, and what I can do to extract myself from those reactionary feelings.  If I catch myself using the words "you made me feel...," that is symptomatic of reaction and unhealthy attachment.

As I learn to detach, I will learn to take care of myself and get to a physical and emotionally healing place.  If I find myself in the middle of drama or chaos, I can make the choice to extract myself from it until I can restore my sense of serenity.  Sometimes taking some deep breaths, going for a walk, exercising, cleaning something, or going to visit a friend, for example, allows me to physically and emotionally distance myself from the situation.  Taking care of myself helps me restore my neutrality, my balance.

As I learn to detach, I need to examine what snagged me.  If it is a minor incident, I may be able to sort it out myself.  If it is more serious, or seriously upsetting me, I may want to discuss it with a friend or a therapist, as a way to sort through it.  Troubles and feelings can spiral out of control so they need to be talked about and not stuffed.  But I need to take responsibility for whatever feelings I am experiencing, and tell the truth to myself about what happened.  Remember that nobody can make you feel; someone can influence you to feel a particular way, but you are doing all of the feeling.

Detachment does not mean resignation to the miserable way things have been or might be.  It certainly does not mean tolerating any kind of abuse.  It means that for the present moment, I acknowledge and accept my circumstances.  It means acknowledging myself and those around me, as I am and as they are.  It means I don't need to obsess anymore.  It means that only from that truthful, congruent place can I have the serenity and thus the ability to evaluate these circumstances, make appropriate changes, and solve my problems.  

        

Detaching is letting go by surrendering control.  When I attempt to control others, I am being controlled--by them, losing control of myself.  I can be controlled not only by people but by circumstances as well.  In that controlling place, I am losing my ability to think, feel, and act in my best interest, because control is an illusion.  I cannot control someone's compulsive behaviors; I cannot control someone's emotions; I cannot change their mind; I cannot control outcomes of events that occur; I cannot control life.

Others will do what they want to do, what is in their self-interest.  They will think how they want to think and feel how they want to feel.  People will change when they feel the need to, and will change only when they are ready.  It doesn't matter what they are doing to themselves; it doesn't matter that I could help them if they would only listen to or cooperate with me.  Even if controlling them could help them, they would resist my efforts and become defensive.  If they were to decide to please me and take my controlling help, they would turn their back when I wasn't involved and do the opposite.

Besides, if I control you, I make you dependent on me.  Such dependency can kill love because it is based upon emotional insecurity and need, and not on real love.  Insecure neediness smothers love and drives people away.  And if I feel unneeded, I become hurt, resentful, or even angry. Thus, my insecure neediness has given that person my power, and that person is controlling me.

So if you see yourself in a codependent role,  I challenge you to begin the process today to do something about it.  Begin to free yourself from the burden of obsessing, reacting, controlling, and neediness, by practicing detaching.  Begin to really notice what you are saying, doing, feeling.  Serenity and peace await you; it is all about you and your decision to mindfully notice yourself, and then to change.  Change is good!    

Emotional Connecting With My Friend

On my transitional journey, I am continually reminded of the importance of emotional connections in life, especially in my life.  Connections with myself, with my wife, with my nuclear and extended family, with friends, and with Deity, are what make my life full and meaningful.  And in the absence of feeling connected, I am left disconnected with myself and am less able to face my life.

For me, it is a mindful exercise to seek out such emotional connections.  It is a challenge to get off the merry-go-round of life and find time to be with another.  When I do, I feel whole and empowered to embrace life to its fullest.

Not every intention to connect yields such a desired outcome.  Sometimes life gets in my way.  Sometimes I simply am not in the mood to connect and want to be alone.

Sometimes, taking responsibility to fill my need, I make it a point to seek out connection, and I can be successful. But then occasionally, having intentionally put myself in a possible connective environment, the emotional connection occurs serendipitously.  Such was the case a few months ago when I spent time with my good friend, Bill, on a trip to Utah.

I spent two nights as his guest, and because I had no agenda but to spend time with my friend of over 45 years, we talked for four hours about what was meaningful in his life and what was meaningful in mine.

Because of the length and depth of our friendship, we historically don't usually talk much about what I would label superficial topics.  On this occasion during this nighttime talk, we continued our habit of talking about things that matter.  We shared insights we both have gained into ourselves and others around us.  We talked about challenges we each have faced and are currently facing.  We discussed specific concerns, frustrations, challenges, and doubts.  And we also talked about people and ideas that have brought and continue to bring us happiness and contentment.

We felt completely at ease with each other, comfortable that whatever we said would not be judged or ridiculed.  I said some things that I have not told anyone but my wife, and he told me some things that he had not told anyone other than Janice, his spouse.  It was safe to be so vulnerable with one another.

As the hours passed, toward the end of the four hours that had gone by fairly quickly,  Janice joined us, choosing not to say anything but to merely witness.  It felt fine for her to listen in.  After witnessing for some considerable time these two friends being so open and vulnerable, she finally spoke up, giving voice to what she had been feeling, "I have felt that the two of you have an uncommon, profoundly special relationship."

Flying home to California the next day, I felt refreshed.  I felt very much alive.  It was as if "batteries" inside of me had been recharged.   I kept reflecting on this occurrence of emotionally connecting in a significant way with another man, and I made the decision to have conversations more often with Bill--which I have done.  It was good to have once again experienced such a singular connection, and I am grateful for it!

Why It Can Be So Hard to Let Go

 

       
        Even when we know something is harming us and it will only get worse, it can still be a struggle to five it up.  What is the process of letting go and why are certain things so hard to give up?  Believing that we need a person, place, or thing in order to survive, to tolerate ourselves or our lives, or to be happy or have meaning, creates dependency.  Usually those needs begin when we are the most vulnerable.

        Take the example of a boy who suffers repeated physical abuse from an early age, and as a teenage, discovers heroin.  Not only does it magically remove all pain, it makes him feel transported to a state of bliss, comfort, and complete fulfillment.  

• In a family that is unable to bond or show affection or interest, a child is able to adopt a pet dog.  The dog allows her to feel more love than she ever imagined possible.  
• Consider a boy who has been a social outcast all of his life, who then begins a career as a drug dealer.  Suddenly, he has a surge of power, worth, and popularity.  
• The youngest sibling in a family of bullies, who is teased for being a baby, feels adult and mature when smoking cigarettes.  
• A girl who feels unloved at home and a failure at school discovers that boys want to be with her when she offers them sex.

        As in these examples, our attachment to something can start as a protection from pain that we don't know how to manage on our own.  We may not realize that we are dependent until we are threatened with the loss of our attachment.  Then we may not want to get out of bed; we may have panic attacks, or cry uncontrollably, or become aggressive or willing to go against our values and morals to hold on to what we feel we need.

        Even when we are not in a vulnerable, wounded place, we may try something and enjoy how it feels--smoking, shopping, eating sweets, or beginning a new friendship.  If the associations we attribute to these things are powerful or numerous, a dependency can develop.  Eating sweets can be associated with reward, pleasure, or giving to ourselves.  A new friend can be associated with greater comfort and acceptance of ourselves.  Shopping can be linked to lifting spirits.  Cigarettes can be a companion when talking on the phone and driving, thereby easing stress or fortifying us before a meeting, or as an additional pleasure after sex.

        Whenever we empower someone or something outside ourselves to being us positive feelings because we have limited knowledge of how to do this for ourselves, we build dependencies that can undermine self-esteem.  The more we invest in the outside for positive feelings, the less we invest in and believe in ourselves.  In these circumstances, when we lose what we feel we need, it seems as if we are losing ourselves.  Fear, anxiety, anger and depression are typical emotional reactions to this kind of letting go.

        If our dependencies become excessive and create significant problems, it is important to examine all dynamics underlying the dependency.  This includes pain, yearnings, positive and negative associations, identity, and self-esteem.  This process can involve finding support to heal pain and grieve.  We can discover what we wish to have more of or less of in ourselves and our lives, and how to do that.  We fully realize any negative elements and begin empowering ourselves through recognizing the positive within us.  We explore who we are with greater depth and clarity, ane make new associations that have healthier consequences.

From Grace Lost and Found by Mary Cook.

A New Model for Maturity

       In our childhood, dependent state, our safety, security, and happiness are irrevocably tied to our immediate social environment.  When this environment lacks the capacity to provide necessary physical and psychological functions for our well-being, we become wounded.

       The area of self or life that are not negatively impacted in childhood are free to evolve. We mature through a process of trial, error, exposure to new information, and training and modeling through a variety of people and experiences in our lives.  The wounded areas, however, generally remain in an immature state.  In the absence of healing, defenses arise to protect us partially from full awareness of present and future pain.  These defenses elimnate or reduce opportunities for growth.  As our social environments change and expand through life, our responses in these obstructed area remain static, until we develop the courage and desire to examine and change ourselves.

       The deepest and most enduring wounds usually occur in childhood.  Because a clear whole sense of identity has not yet formed, we see our child-selves prmarily as reactors and responders to others who have power over us.  Since thinking in these wounded areas remains static, we continue to over-empower others as the source of our safety, security, and happiness into adulthood.  This means that in every part of our selves and lives that hold unhealed wounds, we lack the personal awareness and responsibility necessary to experience mature health and happiness.  Furthermore, we believe that the problem lies either in others or in our lack of skill to change others so that they can take responsibility for our well-being.

       Thus we search for significant others to compensate and correct for previous painful experiences.  If we were abandoned as children, for example, this can translate into seeking a relationship with someone who never does or says anything we could perceive as a potential rejection.  They don't interact or speak with anyone that triggers our jealousy, insecurity, or sense of inferiority.  They cannot become angry with us or hurt us; they cannot withdraw affection or warmth without us feeling abandoned.  If we were abused as children, we may look for partners who are always kind, compassionate, sensitive, loving, and understanding. They must not raise their voices, become angry, critical, confrontational, controlling, impatient, intolerant, or argumentative, even for short periods of time, without us feeling endangered.

       These examples hopefully illustrate the impossibility of the "right partner" being the solution. To further complicate matters, as human beings, we are easily habituated to patterns of acting and thinking, and to attracting people who reflect our unresolved issues. Our patterns eventually become automatic and unconscious, to the point that we believe our current experiences confirm the past, even when no objective observer would validate this.

       We erroneously think that we need someone to gratify our needs today in such a magnified and perfect way that it eradicates the feeling of our past deprivation forevermore. This is unrealistic.  When we focus on what we missed and need, we reinforce and attract more experiences of missing and needing, rather than experiencing gratification.  The nature of habituation also means that we become attached to our specific problems and pain, and their resulting symptoms and defenses, and are reluctant to give them up.  We perceive them as an important part of our identities and even our survival strength.

       This accounts for us not believing, internalizing, and reinforcing positive experiences that can be a part of the healing process.  When we do obtain gratification for what we seek, we tend to dilute it with defenses rather than accept it with gratitude.  Because we are looking for a complete healing to come from others, we reject and resist anything short of this.  We focus on how the gratification hasn't lasted long enough yet, or likely isn't sincere. Or we set new, higher requirements for gratification.

       
       Healing and maturity doesn't come from others. They come from inside of us with the help of others. They come from allowing defensiveness to decrease, internalizing positive experiences, giving positive energy to ourselves and others, and processing and releasing past negativity.  Experiencing all of our feelings without clinging to them or fighting with them allows them to evolve.  

       The heart of our life journey is contained in the closed-off places within us.  Hidden behind every wound is a great gift waiting to be discovered.  If we think of the highest possible outcome of problems and tragedy, we get a glimpse of the power of spirituality and our soul's purpose.

       Our world is filled with examples of the worst possible outcomes.  Abuse breeds more abuse, more victims and perpetrators, more alienation, distrust, fear, and violence. Abandonment leads to depression, emptiness, enmeshment, manipulation, and worthlessness. Committing to recovery means we take the road of our highest purpose and set new models for maturity and fulfillment in all areas of our lives.


From Grace Lost and Found by Mary Cook.

Is Your Kid Staring at Sexualized Images of Women's Breasts?

How do you react when you notice your four year old son starting to look at sexualized images of women’s breasts? You know, those magazine covers that you can hardly avoid at the grocery store that show lots of cleavage? How do you even begin the conversation and prepare your child to look away?

Jeffrey J. Ford, a licensed marriage and family therapist who treats people with sex and pornography addictions, was asked for the answer. Jeff is a father of young children and gives some great tips for beginning these sensitive conversations early.

1. Create Safety. Don’t freak out or get angry at your child for being curious or staring at cleavage. Instead, remain calm and matter of fact. This will allow kids to be open with you and that will pay big dividends as they get older and need more guidance.

2. Use proper terminology to talk about their body parts. We don’t use different terms for our elbow so we need to be able to say words like “breasts,” “penis,” and/or “vagina” without any shame or embarrassment. When you do this, you create a safe place to talk about their private parts which builds a foundation for discussing sex when they get a bit older.

Note: Naming private parts of both genders also helps to protect kids from sexual abuse. It’s very helpful to create body safety rules for your kids.

So, what exactly could a parent say to a child staring at cleavage on a magazine cover at the grocery store? Here are a few ideas:

“That picture is showing too much of this woman’s breasts. Those are her private parts. Let’s look away and give her the same respect and privacy that we would give to mom [or your sister or aunt].”

Or you could say something like this:

“I can see you are staring at that woman on the magazine cover. It’s normal to be curious about these kinds of pictures. Do you remember that a woman’s breasts are a private area of her body? The people who make that magazine put that woman’s picture on the cover because they want us to look at their magazine.”

Here a parent could turn the magazine over so the picture no longer is showing.

“Let’s not fall for this trick. The truth is that it’s not good to look at pictures like that. This type of picture gets us to see a person as just a body, not as a whole person with thoughts and feelings. When I see pictures like this, I practice looking away. Will you try to do that, too?”

As we talk to our kids and teach them how to process and respond to overtly sexualized images in their environments, we prepare them to respect their own bodies and everyone else’s bodies, too. That will go a long way in preparing them to stay safe and reject pornography when they are exposed to it. Starting these conversations early reduces shame and keeps communication open for the years ahead.