What Can Be Expected From Individual and Group Therapy?

In my work as a specialist in sexual addiction therapy, I have participated in various recovery modalities.  Talk therapy, with individuals and with partners, is the one in which I spend much of my counseling time.  Group therapy is another means to recovery, and I have done it both professionally with Lifestar Network and with the Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) of the Mormon Church.  And even though I am not a sexual addict and cannot sit in on Twelve Step program meetings such as Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) or Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) because of that fact, I have clients who regularly attend such programs. These support groups can be very important.

However, I want to share my ideas about one-on-one (or one-on-two) talk therapy, and group therapy, and what should be expected from each modality. I have not taken the time frankly to do research on this topic.  I only share here my observations from my seven years of experience intimately involved in both, and how I frame those observations to my clients. 

I believe both personal and group therapies to be beneficial, but they usually serve different purposes for the person attempting to move past sexual addiction, or any other addictive behavior or substance for that matter.  I would recommend that both be considered, for reasons that I will articulate, but admitting that there are plenty of examples of people involved only in personal psychotherapy, and only in group therapy, who achieve recovery.

Group Therapy

Often, people confronted by a partner, or confronting themselves on the nature of their lives as a result of having addictive behaviors, will seek out so-called "recovery groups," such as SA or SAA, or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA).  These organizations grew out of granddaddy of recovery groups, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).  Sometimes, in rural areas where there are currently no SA, SAA, SLAA, or other less well-known sexual addiction recovery groups, people who wrestle with sexual addictive behaviors will attend AA meetings--usually held just about everywhere.

Almost always, like AA, sexual addiction recovery groups center their "doctrine" or "beliefs" on the Twelve Steps, and as part of those steps, attenders are asked to consider the value of a belief in a "higher power."  These groups are very careful not to describe or mandate what the higher power should be; only that it is an imperative for them to hold some kind of belief in a power larger than itself.  The idea is that they on their own have been unsuccessful in abandoning the addiction.

To offer a very brief summary of the Twelve Steps, the First Step requires that the addict admit his/her powerlessness over the addiction and the subsequent unmanageablility of their life.  Steps Two and Three discuss the need for a Higher Power and the importance of that belief in recovery. Step Four requires a fearless moral written inventory, after which Step Five requires a confession of the addict's "immoral" behavior.  Steps Six and Seven deal with being honest about discovered weaknesses articulated in Step Four, and turning them over to the Higher Power.  Steps Eight and Nine requires that amends be considered then made, or forgiveness offered, to those who have been harmed or who have harmed them.  Step Ten is a daily check in with one's self as to daily recovery. Step 11 adjures the addict to seek spiritual guidance, and Step 12 suggests that the "good news" of the Twelve Steps be shared with others.

The Twelve Steps can be a challenge for some who feel that part of their addictive behaviors have been caused by rigidly religious parental figures, and feel anger toward what they feel is forceful overreaching by those figures. These people now want nothing to do with a higher power.  

When attending a group, one is confronted with real stories of addiction and how the addiction has affected loved ones and others.  Ideally, it is a time of vulnerability and reality, of appreciation and attitude corrections, but most importantly, a time of connection and support from and with other group members.  It can be overwhelming, raw, emotional, affirming, sometimes disgusting, but a respite of time to be among others who share similar experiences and that get addiction.  It is about the group, which at times can feel like church fellowship.

Group members are encouraged to interact with others one-on-one after the meetings, to find a sponsor who is in recovery and has been so for a number of months or years, to read the literature of the group, to attend the particular meeting they are attending plus other meetings--sometimes 30 meetings in 30 days or even 90 meetings in 90 days.  Attending meetings can be very much like attending church services.

Group meetings are meant to be supportive, but not therapeutic.  Some of the group members may be in individual therapy but it is not a requirement of the group.  Done diligently, the work of the Twelve Steps for many can be all that is needed, because while "doing the Twelve Steps," the addict comes to understand the "whys" of his/her addiction; why they acted out sexually, why they sought out solutions in a substance, why they continue to use the addiction.  Regrettably, few actually "do the Steps" which can often happen because usually the groups' emphasis and focus is on sobriety, and members can think that by mere attendance at the group their addiction will go away.

Individual Therapy

The reasons why people engage in addictive behaviors can be complicated or complex. And while support is offered by a group, the particular reasons for the addiction are best understood and dealt with through individual contact with a professional who can dispassionately observe the addictive behavior and offer possible insights--or help the addict to gain his/her own insights.  That is far more challenging to do in the dynamic of a group.  The addict's sponsor, assuming he/she has made the effort to have one and makes contact daily or many times a week, can offer one-on-one insight to the addict.  But again, this mentoring process is not always carried out.

If an addict understands why he/she engages in the addictive behavior, they are on the road to recovery.  Otherwise, they can forever "white knuckle;" or in other words, attempt to use willpower to achieve sobriety.  But sobriety is not recovery.  Certainly, sobriety is needed for recovery--allowing the reasons for the addiction to manifest because the entire focus is no longer on the addiction.  But until the "whys" are identified, willpower will ebb and flow, and the addict will likely never really be able to be free of the addiction.

In the work that I do in my attempt to help clients to achieve long stetches of sobriety, for example, a client can "slip up" or "act out" their addictive behavior(s).  I engage my client, one-on-one, to analyze what he/she did or didn't do that led to the behavior.  I like to put the behavior "under the microscope" so that my client can learn from his/her mistake.  This type of very specific work can best be accomplished through individual therapy, week in and week out.

As the client and I look at what happened, especially if it happens routinely, we begin to notice what core issues were at play that led to the behavior. What did the client do or not do that led up to the behavior.  As a client understands and assimilates what has been occurring, I view this as the beginning of true recovery.  They are in the process of discovering the "why" of the acting out behavior(s). They begin to take control over the addiction as opposed to allowing the addiction to control them.

I believe that most psychotherapists are capable on some level of helping a struggling addict who wants to be rid of an addictive behavior.  However, it has been my experience that we who specialize in addiction recovery, and in my case, sexual addiction recovery, are best qualified to understand the dynamics of addiction and addiction recovery and can best help the addict. In my case, it is my speciality.  It is wonderful for the addict to understand and feel that the therapist really knows what transpires inside their mind and heart.

So there is good to be had from both individual and group therapy.  I encourage clients seeking recovery to avail themselves of both.  Hopefully, this posting helps bring clarity to what can be expected from each.

Getting Back On The Horse

Many begin the process of addiction recovery with high expectations and high hopes. Many have decided that "the pain of addiction is greater than the pain of recovery" and want to take steps to finally rid themselves of their addictive behavior.

(NOTE:  Even though the topic here concerns addiction recovery, the ideas apply to any unwanted behavior)

They may have been been given an ultimatum from their partner.  They may have been advised by someone to seek help.  They may have lost someone very important to them as a result of their addictive tendencies.  They may have tired of the secrecy and double life they have had to live to maintain their addiction.

So they begin to attend a support group.  They begin seeking therapeutic help from a therapist versed in addiction recovery.  They begin reading recovery literature.  They begin regular consultations with an ecclesiastical leader.  They are on the road to sobriety.

In many cases, through sheer willpower, known as "white knuckling," they achieve some sobriety.  Triggers to engage in the addictive behavior may recede for a time.  They may be filling their head with recovery.  This can be a hopeful time. 

But inevitably, something occurs, prompting well known thoughts and feelings to arise. Seemingly, all of the positive expectations melt away under the heat of the desire to return to the addictive behavior.  The positivity is replaced with pessimism and there is a feeling of helplessness.  The once hopeful addiction warrior has fallen off of his/her horse.

Having fallen off the horse, the focus often is placed on the addictive act rather than on what took place before that led up to the act.  The reality is that the addictive act was symptomatic, the final link in a chain of previous thoughts and feelings. Whether due to triggers or due to engaging in "slippery slope" thinking and/or behaviors, there was a specific moment in which the warrior had the thought to engage in the addictive behavior. 

Nearly all of the literature indicates, and nearly all those who work with people with addictions agree, that most warriors will sooner or later fall off their horse on the road to sobriety and recovery.  It just happens!  But that doesn't mean that all is lost!  It doesn't mean that there is no hope for sobriety!  It certainly doesn't mean the warrior is a loser! All it means is that the warrior fell off the horse!

A difference needs to be made between "slip ups" and "relapses" for the warrior who sincerely wants to put an end to the addictive behaviors and has amassed some sobriety time, however modest.  A "slip up" can happen when he/she willfully but disappointedly engages in the addiction.  A "slip up" can happen when something unexpectedly occurs that prompts him/her to "go to the dark side."  A "slip up" can take place when a loved one says or does something that really hurts, physically or emotionally, and, unable to handle the inner turmoil. the warrior engages in the addiction.  In other words, the "slip up," while unwanted, is a disappointment, but it is part of the sobriety process.  And falling off the horse hurts!

Relapses, however, are tied to hopelessness.  They can occur as the result of repeated failures to achieve some extended sobriety time. The warrior feels like a failure. Relapses can take place when the warrior forgets to focus on the process and only sees their failure to achieve the end result of sobriety.  They happen when instead of focusing on the behavior, they look at themselves--who they are--and see themselves as excrement with the accompanying self-loathing.  Relapses occur when "the pain of recovery is greater than the pain of addiction" and he/she decides that the journey requires too much.  In a relapse, not only has the warrior fallen off of the horse, he/she sees no reason to get back on it! 

In either case, the goal needs to be to get back on the horse and start riding again.  Those who relapse have to decide that it is worth the trouble; whether they want to put themselves through the process again.  It may take time for them to find and regain hope. If the act was viewed as a "slip up," he/she needs to own what has happened and focus on a hopeful, brighter future.

But before mounting the horse again, a careful study must be made to determine what happened in the first place; a "post-mortem" so to speak.  

What event prompted the original thought to engage in the addictive behavior?  What feelings or thoughts came crashing down like a tsunami that overwhelmed the warrior? Were these feelings or thoughts familiar ones from their past, or did they catch the warrior off guard?  What circumstances were present that allowed the behavior to take place?  What precautions were or were not taken to maintain sobriety?  What can be learned from the circumstances of what happened?

Answering these questions might lead to more opportunities to look at in-depth, underlying reasons for the act.  They can lead to seeing unresolved issues from growing up years. They can lead to understanding better what emotional core issues manifested in the act. But dealing with these deeper issues is for another day!  

The important thing to do in the moment is to get back on the horse and begin riding again, accumulating sobriety time and confidence once again, armed with greater understanding as to what happened, and the decision as to what to do if the original thought and circumstances occur again. 

Getting back on the horse takes great courage.  It takes faith in one's self and faith in the process.  It takes being aware of circumstances that can lead to falling off the horse again.  It takes discipline and hard work, but it is very worth it!

How to Stop Playing the Victim Game

I have written about the Drama Triangle on this Blog.  One of the roles played in the DT is that of a VICTIM.  In this very worthwhile article, published in Psychology Today on April 20, 2013 by Robert Firestone, PhD, he identifies this role, why people choose the victim role including how anger figures in it, and how to choose not to play that role.  I hope it is beneficial to you.

Many people adopt the victim role, albeit unintentionally, because they are afraid of their anger, deny its existence in themselves, project it onto other people, and anticipate aggression or harm from them. With this expectation and a high sensitivity to anger in others, they may even distort other people’s facial expressions, imagining that they have malicious intentions. The anger that they would have experienced in response to frustration or stress is transformed into fear and distrust of others and into feelings of being hurt or wounded.

People who become mired down in feeling victimized tend to view events in their lives as happening to them and feel ineffective and overwhelmed. They also operate on the basic assumption that the world should be fair, which is a child’s way of thinking. They tend to project the circumstances of their early childhood, where they were indeed helpless, onto present-day situations and relationships, and fail to recognize that, as adults, they have far more power than they had as children.

There are ways to shift from the victimized stance, characterized by passivity and behaviors based on negative power, to a more adult stance characterized by active coping and personal power.  People can become aware of and identify specific destructive thoughts – critical inner voices  that promote victimized feelings; and they can take steps to develop more constructive approaches to dealing with their anger.

Identifying Critical Inner Voices that Promote a Victimized Orientation to Life  

To move out of the victimized posture, it is important to identify critical inner voices that focus on injustices, such as “It’s not fair. This shouldn’t be happening to you. What did you ever do to deserve such treatment?” These destructive thoughts encourage passivity and helplessness while discouraging actions that could change an unhappy or untenable situation.

Low-grade anger and distrust are aroused in people whenever they are “listening” to voices telling them that others dislike them or do not care about them or their interests. “They never take your feelings into consideration. Who do they think they are?”  “People just don’t give a damn.”

In the work setting, many people have resentful attitudes based on voices telling them that they are being exploited: “Your boss is a real jerk! Nobody sees how much you contribute.” “No one appreciates you.” “Why do they always get all the breaks?”  Similarly, voices that advise individuals that they are victims of mistreatment by others contribute to feelings of being disrespected or persecuted, for example, “They’re going to make a fool of you. They don’t respect you.” The feelings generated by these ruminations lead to inward brooding, righteous indignation, and a desire for revenge. Recognizing and challenging negative voices is the major way to overcome a victimized orientation. 

Constructive Approaches for Dealing with Anger

First, it is important to emphasize that anger is a simple, irrational emotional response to frustration and does not require any justification; it is O.K to just feel whatever one feels. The degree of anger is proportional to the degree of frustration rather than to the logic or rationality of the circumstances.  When people attempt to rationalize their anger and then feel victimized, they get stuck in the angry feelings in a way that leads to an unpleasant kind of brooding that alienates others and is dysfunctional.

Therefore, in terms of action, people need to drop certain words from their vocabulary that they may be using to justify their anger, words like "fair," "should," "right," and "wrong." In a relationship, the term “should” often implies obligation. For example, someone who says, “Because we’re together (married), my partner ‘should’ love me, ‘should’ take care of me, ‘should’ make love to me” is operating from a victimized position. When people tie their feelings of frustration to the expectation that someone is obliged to satisfy them, victimized, paranoid feelings inevitably arise.

By challenging these habitual ways of speaking, individuals will discover a different form of communication that involves taking full responsibility for their feelings and actions and yet leaves them free to explore alternatives.  In an intimate relationship, partners can learn to talk about their anger in a non-dramatic tone and admit any feelings of being victimized. This type of communication is less likely to arouse counter-aggression and enables people to deal with their anger in a way that causes the least amount of pain to one another.

It would be constructive for people who typically express their anger in righteous indignation or victimized brooding to relinquish the basic assumption that they are innocent victims of fate. It would also be important for them to give up a sense of entitlement and to recognize that they do not inherently deserve to receive anything in the way of good treatment from others. It is more adaptive to accept the idea that the world does not owe them anything—neither a living or happiness or nice surroundings. Taking the victimized position that one is entitled to something better contributes to feelings of being cheated that, in turn, exacerbate a sense of helplessness and impotent rage.

Taking action to change situations with which one is unhappy directly challenges a victimized orientation. For example, if one feels stuck in a bad relationship or a seemingly untenable work situation, one can explore oneself to determine if one’s passivity has had more to do with the situation than one thought, and then strive to be more proactive and self-assertive. It is also wise to avoid complaining about these unfavorable situations to others in a style that "dumps" the problem on the listener. In one’s interactions, it is crucial to become more aware of the distinction between sympathy and empathy, and to stop asking for or giving sympathy. Expressing sympathy as well as trying to elicit sympathetic responses from another person are damaging in that both reinforce victimized thinking.

In accepting angry emotions in oneself, one is less likely to act them out destructively or to adopt the role of victim.  Ideally, rather than suppress or deny the emotion of anger, one would acknowledge angry responses while clearly distinguishing between feelings and actions.  As people give up victimized attitudes and acknowledge anger as a basic part of their nature, they are able to choose how to express angry feelings in ways that are constructive, ethical, and aligned with their best interests and goals. The self‑limiting, victimized perspective no longer controls them or their lives.

"HOW TO STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM GAME by Robert Firestone, PhD in Psychology Today 4-30-13

The Imortance of Emotional Connection

In the world of psychotherapy in which I live, my specialty is in dealing with aspects of sexual addiction.  Since I have been living in this sphere for nearly seven years, I have learned a number of truths about its causes, its precursors, its emotions, its lies and deceptions. One truth that makes perfect sense once it is understood and embraced, is the inability for one battling addictive tendencies to be emotionally connected to another.

To be clear, my experience has been almost exclusively, but not entirely, with heterosexual people.  But the truth is neither a homosexual nor a heterosexual issue.  It is about the difficulty of connection, and that spans all orientations.  Such a connection, or lack of such, is a telling sign in sexually addictive behavior.  The lack of emotional connection is not just a problem in the sexual realm either.  Much of what follows is relevant for most any kind of addictive behavior, be it anger, codependency, self-justification...anything!

Sexually addictive behavior is any sexual behavior with self or another that someone has unsuccessfully attempted to stop and which has caused problems with self or another's life. To call someone a full-on "addict" is a high bar for me, and those with whom I work are rarely in that state.  Nearly all who sit in front of me definitely have sexually addictive tendencies, but for the purposes of this discourse, I will call them "addicts."

It has been my experience that early on, for many during puberty, that the addict has some difficulty in connecting with others. There are a multitude of reasons for such difficulty, but the reality is that such an inability to connect with another at its core is an inability to connect with one's self.  

If the addict doesn't know and understand who he or she is, because it hasn't been modeled for them, because they have been raised in variations of rigid or unstructured families, because parental figures or siblings have tried to define them instead of allowing them to define themselves, or because of many other dysfunctional reasons, relationships will be difficult for the addict, either with the same or opposite gender.

If they are too vulnerable, they see people making fun or taking advantage of them.  If they hide behind an emotional wall to protect themselves, they get comfortable there because that place makes them feel safe.  For some, they project the pain onto others and become aggressive to avoid feeling the inner pain, and wall up their feelings.  For others, they turn inward and become isolated, which is often accompanied by anxiety or depression--or both. Relationships become a problem.

When there has been particular physical, emotional, or particularly, sexual abuse, the ability to relate in a healthy way to others is decreased or goes away completely.  They feel they cannot afford to trust anyone and they see the world as a particularly dangerous place filled with dangerous people. 

As a young person who has started to engage in sexually addictive behavior to take care of himself or herself as a means to survive, often in dysfunctional ways. They can easily turn to sex, probably with themselves, and especially if they're not socially adept.  It can make them feel free and good about themselves, if only for a moment.  And it can come through every time, as opposed to messy relationships with parents, siblings, friends, or others.  It becomes a pseudo friend--always reliable, always there, never a hassle.

It becomes much easier to use sex to feel good, to fill the emptiness. And as with other poor coping stategies or behaviors like taking drugs or drinking alcohol, the sexual addict begins to meet with the "friend" more often.  In many cases, what made them originally feel good as they act out, the result of the release of brain chemicals--a "dopamine banquet,"will not make them feel "good enough," and they will require more stimulation--more dopamine. Sometimes, the sexual acting out behaviors can devolve into an addiction.

So what can be done?  One cannot just decide that they are going to be connected tomorrow.

To begin, a person has to realize that there is a problem of sexually addictive behavior, if not full blown addiction.  That can be a terribly scary realization.  Admitting that takes courage.  But it takes even greater courage to face fear and do something about it.  For some, the timing isn't right, or they simply are too comfortable where they are, in spite of how bad their lives have become.  In the addiction recovery world, that reality is expressed thusly:

When the pain of addiction is greater than the pain of recovery, the addict will seek recovery.  But when the pain of recovery is greater than the pain of addiction, the addict will stay in addiction.

Taking a risk to become vulnerable with another takes the greatest courage of all.  It starts with a willingness to be just a little vulnerable, peeking from behind the emotionally safe wall which acts as both protection--keeping people out, and prison--keeping the person in.

It is not an all or nothing vulnerability.  Thinking of vulnerability as being in degrees can be helpful.  In other words, a person can make the choice to be a little vulnerable with a safe someone, not a person or group which has made someone feel badly in the past or with some family or friends where there is a history of emotional tension.

The person attempting to be a little vulnerable must not think of the negative event or situation as being all or nothing. They can realize that the timing may not have been right. They can realize that they may have revealed too much about themselves and may have overwhelmed the other person. They can realize that while a situation may not have produced the desired outcome, they can learn from it, and have hope for the future.  They can realize that they will live to see another day.

As successes occur in safer environments, the next step is to courageously begin to become a little vulnerable with those whom we have considered dangerous.  Again, the challenge is to not get caught up in the catastrophy, the all or nothing thinking.  The challenge is to realize that this is a journey and that events are not always going to turn out the way they had been envisioned.  If it has taken the person X amount of years developing bad connections and bad habits, it is going to take some time for those to begin to disappear.  Learning to when and with whom to be vulnerable takes time.

Another less risky intention can be to begin the process of strengthening, if not finding and nurturing, same gender relationships.  The idea is to stregthen those which may have existed in the past, or to look for places or environments where someone can find same gender possibilities.

Almost always, when as a therapist I ask someone who has sexually addictive behaviors how many same gender friends they currently have in their lives, they will often say none, or perhaps one. This same gender friend cannot be a drinking buddy or casual acquaintance. That they say they have none does not come as a surprise.  If they are in a partner/spousal relationship, they are usually incapable of emotionally connecting with them as well.

Taking time to reconnect with people of the past, or making time to seek out same gender connections in group settings or faith settings, is a safe way to learn better how to connect. In this safe environment that lacks sexual tension, it is easier to begin to be more vulnerable. Hopefully, but not always, the new friend reciprocates, and connection can begin to thrive. It takes an investment of time, and maybe a little money, but it is well worth the investment.

Usually, as a person in emotional connection recovery develops these nourishing and satisfying same gender relationships, the sexual addicting out behaviors begin going away. Why?  Because they are nurturing themselves and their emotions in a safe, even joyful way. The temporary thrill they got from sexually acting out is countered by the long term satisfaction of a healthy relationship.  

Boundaries - Part 3

My work with couples has shown me that boundaries are completely necessary in this the most important of all interpersonal relationships.  When I talk about boundaries, some people think of them as a way to control their partner's behavior.  Others think of them in terms of punishment for their partner.  Neither of these ideas could be farther from the truth.

Boundaries are to protect ourselves.  Melody Beattie, in defining what are boundaries in her book Beyond Codependency, frames boundaries in this way:

"It's a decision to tell someone he or she cannot use us, hurt us, or take what we have, whether those possessions are concrete or abstract.  {It's a decision] to tell them they cannot abuse us, or otherwise invade or infringe on us in a particular way."

Like national, state, or even home property territories, boundaries define the territories of our body, mind, emotions, possessions, even our spirits.  They define the territory of "me."  They are why I end and you begin.

Regrettably, many of us don't understand "me." That can be the result of living for others and meeting their needs instead of our own.  It can be the result of being swallowed by the personality, the will, and character of caregivers and friends from our past.  It can be the result of a lack of self-awareness.  It can be a refusal to take care of ourselves.

Sometimes, we don't immediately know what hurts and what feels good. We may not know what are our rights.  Sometimes, because we have neglected ourselves for so long, we find it difficult to know where we end and others begin.  And sometimes, we may feel shame every time we even consider establishing such a thing as a boundary. 

Step 2 in the Twelve Steps talks about "insanity."  Those without boundaries seem to have a high tolerance for "insanity." This can manifest itself in a high tolerance for personal emotional and physical pain, hurt, and mistreatment.  It can be a constant state of craziness that has been going on for so long that it seems normal, that it is all we've ever lived with and know.  Unless someone points out that what is being experienced is insanity, how can we know what normal is when we don't know what really is normal?

As we begin the process of establishing boundaries, it can be challenging.  It can be virgin territory where we have never walked, and as such, can be daunting and even scary.  But recognizing that it is a process allows us to make mistakes and to know that we are at least attempting to change who we are or have been.  It is a skill set, and as such, it will develop with practice.

The process optimally begins with relationships in our lives that are not deeply personal, such as with collegues at work or at Church.  As with setting boundaries regardless of with who or where, it optimally begins in a non-emotionally charged environment.

For example, someone at your church may ask you to take on a responsibility.  Your initial thought may be to accept it.  But if you are struggling with a toddler or two or three at home, and your spouse is unable or unwilling to support you in your domestic responsibilities, it is both appropriate and good for you to state in a calm setting something to the effect of "I'd like to accept it but I just am unable to do it at this point.  Maybe later on ...."

In this example, you are taking care of yourself, which may be somewhat foreign to your experience.  You may feel guilt or shame for not accepting, but you are taking care of you.  And as you take care of you, your self-confidence and self-esteem will increase. You will develop better ideas as to what is appropriate for you and what isn't.

The process inevitably leads to more intimate relationships, especially when done with partners. While more challenging and certainly more difficult with them, boundaries are very necessary and important.  

For example, a partner may habitually nag the other about performing a specific behavior.  Assuming that the partner being nagged would perform the behavior if they physically or emotionally could, a boundary could be established in a calm, non-emotionally charged moment by stating something like "I have been feeling overwhelmed at work, and I just cannot face this right now. I need for you to extend some grace to me for awhile. Let's talk about this next weekend, and see where I am." (Giving partners a time frame to brings some kind of closure is always a good thing!)

If there is emotional or physical abuse taking place, the boundary could look like this: "you can choose to raise your voice and yell at me.  But I can choose to not be abused and I can walk out of the room, and I will."  This is not about one partner controlling the other or telling them what to do.  It's about thinking enough about one's self to take care of themselves by not allowing another to abuse them.  And it's about doing it in a concise, non-angry way.  

In review, then, setting boundaries is about the process of learning to take care of ourselves, no matter with whom the difficulty or discomfort is.  It is about defining what we believe we deserve and don't deserve, about what we want and need, like or dislike, and feeling okay with those decisions.  It is about coming to the place where we feel we have the right to take care of ourselves and to be ourselves, and not feeling fear or shame when we do take care.

It is definitely not about controlling others.  It's about coming to know who we are and embracing those truths--the process of becoming our true selves.

Understand, however, that partners and others may not take kindly to the new you.  The following are some possible outcomes:

• you cannot take care of your feelings and another person's feelings
• you will be tested as to your sincerity and belief in your boundary
• your partner or another may feel angry or rage
• your partner may complain or whine (the last two outcomes are good clues that a boundary or boundaries needed to be set!)

As a wise person once stated when talking about the decision to do a difficult task, "if it makes you feel uncomfortable, you probably ought to do it; if it makes you feel comfortable, you probably ought not to do it."

A word of warning: Boundaries ought not to be established if the person setting them does not intend on following through.  In the partner example above, if the partner being abused does not intend to leave the room, to follow through, it is probably better not to set the boundary in the first place.  It was likely a feeble threat or attempt to manipulate. It means that the person setting the ill-fated boundary has more work to do on their journey to self-respect and self-love.  But that's okay!

Setting boundaries helps to increase self-worth and self-esteem. As we increase in loving and caring for ourselves, our ability to set boundaries increases.  And as we set more boundaries, our self-worth and self-esteem continue to grow, and so on. You get the picture!

  

What's Love Got to Do With It?

Back in 1984, Tina Turner sang a song that was very popular, a song which people of my generation would certainly remember, titled "What's Love Got to Do With It?"  Having been in a terribly abusive relationship earlier in her life and career, she knew first hand of what she was singing, and her sincerity came through, at least to me.

I have used the title to her song as a talking point in some of the couples work that I do.  For love is a very vague word, especially in the English language where we use the word to connote so many different feelings and ideas.

In this posting, I want to talk about 'falling in love;" what really is happening, and with that clarity, discuss what can happen to that "love."  These ideas are a synergy involving my own thoughts, peceptions, and ideas, along with those of Dr. Harville Hendrix, who among many other books wrote a landmark tome called "Getting The Love You Want."

Couples who "fall in love" have very good feelings at the beginning.  They look for evidences that this person is the "one."  Some phrases uttered during those blissful, exciting, times--above and beyond those you likely hear in the lyrics of pop and country music stations--are along the lines of:

• "I know we just met, but it's like I already know you."
• "It's weird, but even though we've been dating such a short time, I can't remember when I didn't know you."
• "Before we met, I felt like I was so all alone in the world.  But now, it's like I found someone to share my world with."
• "I love you so much; I can't live without you." 

Couples attempt to cling to this romantic love, trying to appear more emotionally healthy than they actually are.  They see things that may not be what they want but they go into denial, or if they don't go there, they may see something in the partner that reminds them of a trait of a parent, negative or positive, and for some strange reason, it attracts them.  Romantic love can be founded on ignorance and fantasy.

Inevitably, romantic love gives way to a realization, which starkly stated, goes along the lines of "what have I married?"  Dr. Hendrix refers to this time as "the power struggle," summed up by the very well known line "I can't live with you, but I can't live without you!"  Suddenly, it's not enough that their partner is clever, attractive to them, fun-loving, and affectionate.  The reality sets in that the partner now has to satisfy a whole bunch of expectations, some conscious, but many sub-conscious, and hidden from their awareness. What is known is how things were done previously in life, or during childhood,  There are expectations regarding domestic roles, along with other expectations, and there comes a realization that these expectations are not being met.

In this phase, an oft-repeated line is sadly offered to the partner: "why have you changed?"  Usually, the partner hasn't changed.  Those seemingly complimentary traits were likely covering up what really was happening.  Hendrix believes that we project onto partners our unmet needs, usually from our childhood.  And when we realize those needs are not going to be met by our partner, we can experience the awful realization that we are likely going to be wounded by our partner the same way we were wounded in our childhood.  What often is not realized, writes Hendrix, is that the qualities we have begun to see are repressed qualities about ourselves that have been hidden from our view, or they are similar negative qualities of our parents.

What often happens at this juncture is that the partners try to rid themselves of the negative traits they see in themselves and project them onto their partners.  Or in other words, "they look at their partners and criticize all the things they dislike and deny in themselves."  By projecting onto their partners, theypurposely avoid looking at themselves, because doing so is very uncomfortable and scary.  It's much easier to point a finger at the partner rather than at themselves.

So, to review, there are basically two reasons why we choose the partners that we do: 1) they possess both positive and negative qualities of the caregivers who raised us, and/or 2) they compensate for positive aspects of who we are that were cut off in childhood.  We begin the relationship by assuming that our partner will become like a surrogate parent who will make up for what we didn't get as a child.  We think that being connected with this person will heal us and will finally provide us with what we need in a close, long-term relationship.

When confronted with the realization that our plan is not working, it dawns on us that we have "fallen in love" but are not complete or whole.  We fault our partner with deliberately ignoring our needs. We have assumed that they intuitively know exactly what we want, when and how we want it, but they are deliberately withholding it from us.  This idea then causes us to be angry, and we begin to see the negative personality traits of our partner.  We then make the problem worse by projecting our negative traits onto them.  At this point, as the situation deteriorates, we become even more needy and we attempt to force our partner to satisfy our neediness by becoming unpleasant and irritable.

Both partners are searching for a way to become whole, and still believe that their significant other possesses the power to make them complete, but is withholding it.  They begin to emotionally hurt each other or deny pleasure and intimacy with the hope that their partner will finally realize the error of their way and respond with warmth and love.

Not all relationships follow this arc, but many do, the result of unresolved stuff from their childhood and previous relationships.  What did love have to do with it?  It reminds of yet another song from 1972 by Roberta Flack called "Where Is the Love?"