Boundaries #4

In geography, boundaries are the borders marking a state, a country, or a person's land.  Unlike states on maps, we don't have thick black lines delineating OUR boundaries.  Yet each of us has our own territory.  Our boundaries define and contain that territory, which includes our bodies, minds, emotions, spirit, possessions, and rights.  Boundaries define and surround all our energy, the individual self that we each call "me."  Our borders are invisible, but real.  There is a place where I end and you begin.  My purpose here is to help you learn to identify and have respect for your boundaries.

Boundaries are to protect ourselves.  Melody Beattie, in defining what boundaries are in her book Beyond Codependency, frames boundaries in this way:

"It's a decision to tell someone he or she cannot use us, hurt us, or take what we have, whether those possessions are concrete or abstract.  [It's a decision] to tell them they cannot abuse us, or otherwise invade or infringe on us in a particular way."

I use the term boundary frequently in the recovery work that I do with those with addictive behaviors (most people have addictive behaviors!) and with their loved ones whose lives have been affected by those behaviors.  I use it to describe an action--setting a boundary--meaning an attempt to protect ourselves from something or someone.  Often, when attempting to establish a boundary, what the person is saying to someone is that he or she cannot use us, hurt us, or take what we have, whether those possessions are concrete or abstract.  That person has decided to tell someone that they will no longer be abused or otherwise invaded or infringed upon in a particular way.  The person has decided to no longer allow someone to trample on them.  It is a line in the sand!

WEAK BOUNDARIES FROM CHILDHOOD

      Boundaries are supposed to be taught by parents, but often parents did not have a sense of boundaries, or they built emotional walls instead of boundaries.  They may have had boundaries but with holes in them, or they did not have consequences that put "teeth" into the boundaries.  Parents may not have had boundaries growing up on their own actions or the actions of those around them. Thus the dysfunction can be multi-generational, and the dysfunction can powerfully distill to the present.  Inappropriate generational roles among extended family members, and inappropriate roles between one's family and other families, can also hurt boundary formation.

Although some people are fortunate enough to emerge into adulthood knowing who they are, and what their rights are and aren't, many emerge into adulthood with damaged, scarred, or non-existent boundaries.  Those who saw them modeled well learned not to trespass on other people's territories and do not now allow others to invade theirs.  They have healthy boundaries and a solid sense of self.  But for others, boundaries are inconsistent, rarely or never attached to consequences, or are completely off their radar.

Having not learned or been taught about boundaries growing up, or having had family disregard any boundaries they may have attempted to have, a child will construct thick and high emotional walls to protect themselves from being hurt further.  Children may have weak or non-existent emotional boundaries if they felt emotionally or physically neglected or abandoned, or weren't raised with appropriate discipline and limits.  Regretfully, some children are sometimes forced into inappropriate roles with those around them.

      Such children may not have developed a "self," an identity, or a healthy sense of self-esteem, because it is challenging for a "self" to form in a void, or when consistently disregarded.  As an adult, to protect yourself as a coping strategy, you may have used that emotional wall constructed in childhood.  It serves as a sort of protective castle, not allowing anybody to get in to hurt you, but also as a prison, not allowing you to emotionally get out.

Abuse, humiliation, or shame by one's caregivers damages boundaries.  Abuse, humiliation, or shame, do not necessarily have had to have been received in significant or memorable ways.  They can even be the result of a one-time put down, or a non-verbal glance or scowl.  All of these can result in an inability to have boundaries.  As an adult, you are vulnerable to invasion in many areas, until such time you increase in your self-esteem and can begin to create borders for yourself.

       How you connected with your primary caregivers determined how you presently connect with others as adults.  Your boundaries determine how you fit or bond with those around you.  If you have weak boundaries, you may get lost in another's territory.

If you as a child or youth had to take care of someone who was supposed to be your caregiver, you may believe other people's thoughts, feelings, and problems are your responsibility.  If you lived with someone who encouraged you to be overly dependent on them as your caregiver, you may not have learned how to have a complete sense of self.  You may have entered into adulthood feeling like you were half of something, less than, or needed another person to be complete.

Controlling, insecure people invade territories.  They trespass, and think that it's their right to do so.  If you lived with someone who tried to control your thoughts, body, or feelings, your boundaries will have been damaged.  If your right to your emotions, thoughts, body, privacy, and possessions wasn't respected, you may not realize as an adult that you have rights. You may not fully understand that others have rights either.

With weak boundaries from childhood, if you as an adult often whine or complain or experience anger or rage toward another, these are clues that interpersonal boundaries need to be set.  The behavior of others you cannot stand, do not like, obsess about, or hate, are areas that may be crying out for boundaries.  The boundary process doesn’t mean an initial absence of feeling angry, whining, or complaining.  It means learning to listen closely to yourself to hear what you’re saying and feeling.  These things are indicators of problems, just like an “idiot light” on a car dashboard.  Your physical body can also tell you when a boundary is necessary.  You may need to get a little upset to motivate yourself to finally establish a boundary, but you don’t need to stay resentful to enforce it.

      Some people, especially loved ones, may get angry at you for setting boundaries, particularly if you’re changing an interpersonal “system” by establishing a boundary where you previously had none.  People especially become angry if you’ve been caretaking them, in one form or another, or allowing them to use or control you, and you decide it’s time to change the dynamic.  Boundaries are to take care of you, not to control others.  Often, the key to setting boundaries isn’t so much convincing other people you are serious and have limits—it’s convincing yourself to do whatever it takes.  

It is okay to say “no” or “no more.” But what you do needs to match what you say.  It doesn’t do any good to set a boundary unless you’re ready to enforce it, and that takes both energy and self-esteem.  For example, if your boundary is to not allow your 7-year old to sleep in your bed, then rationalize or not reinforce it, it’s not a boundary, it’s a wish. 

A woman went to her therapist and recited her usual and regular tirade of complaints about her husband.  “When will this stop,” the woman finally asked the counselor.  “When you want it to,” the therapist responded.

ENFORCING BOUNDARIES

Consequences and ultimatums are the best way to enforce boundaries. But establishing consequences and ultimatums require a person to have sufficient self-esteem to follow through.  The good news is that by following through on them, it improves one’s self esteem—which can increase the likelihood that a person will continue to put teeth in their boundaries!  It’s a cycle. Without consequences and ultimatums, boundaries are merely threats or attempts to manipulate.  A failed enforced boundary is an indication that there is more work to be done to strengthen self-esteem and resolve.

Saying or doing things that physically or emotionally challenge us builds self-esteem.  A good message to consistently send to yourself as you build your self-esteem through establishing boundaries with consequences or ultimatums is:  If it makes me feel comfortable, I probably ought not to do it.  But if it makes me feel uncomfortable, I probably ought to do it!

Here are suggestions on how to enforce boundaries:

If your boundary is violated, you need to look at removing something desirable or adding something undesirable to the violator’s life.  For most people, removing something the violator wants is most effective.  For example, if you have a teenager who has little free time, the removal of television privileges accomplishes that.  Sometimes, however, adding a chore for the teenager for a violation can be a deterrent, although that can require your energy and time to supervise.

It is likewise important to not interfere with a natural consequence.  The temptation is to intervene.  Don’t!  Losing a relationship as a result of being selfish, spending the night at a police station after being picked up or having abused someone, missing out on a movie, concert, or event for having spent all their money, a child’s negative reaction to a parent’s misbehavior, or estrangement for violating a rule, are natural consequences and need to be allowed to take their course.  Not all situations have a natural consequence, and you must attempt to apply a consequence of your own making.

A consequence or ultimatum must matter to the violator or it won’t mean much.  The violator needs to want and desire what is being lost, or is added to his/her life.  Knowing the other person’s hearts, interests, and desires are very important.  Occasionally, the violator will not want you to know that your consequence matters to them, but this is a power play.  Or the person may believe that you will drop the consequence as you might have done in the past.  This is not the time to get wobbly or second guess yourself!  Remember, boundaries are about maintaining your sanity, taking care of yourself, and having a non-stressed, non-codependent life.  Try to keep that vision!

If there is a positive response to a boundary, it is important to somehow acknowledge the good behavior.  A person who submits to a consequence can feel humiliated, powerless, weak, alone, or vulnerable.  This is time for grace and comfort and not for lectures.

Setting boundaries with consequences or ultimatums takes practice.  How severe is too severe?  How easy is too easy?  It may seem awkward or unnatural.  If possible, practice them in situations such as at work, other organizations, or with a salesperson, where the stakes are not as high as with family.  This is likely virgin territory.  People who are used to having their own way with you may not like the new, assertive you.  So extend grace to yourself for feeling daunted or afraid, or if you fail to follow through.  You are at least attempting to change who you are or have been.  This is a skill set, a process, and it will develop with practice.  And part of that practice/rehearsal can even take place in front of a mirror!

Here are some examples of boundaries with consequences. This is giving others choices, but giving you choices as well.

• If there is someone who is very angry at you and have raised their voice, consider saying “You may not continue to yell at me.  If you choose to continue, I will choose the leave the room and end this discussion.  It’s up to you.”
•  If there is someone pressuring you to do something immediately and you don’t want to, say something like “I have a policy of not making snap decisions. (Or I need to consult with X)  I need some time to think.  If you need an immediate answer, it will be ‘no’.”
•  If you are facing criticism, you could modify this sentence to a specific situation by calmly stating “It is not okay with me for you to criticize me about my weight.  Please stop.  If you choose not to, this conversation is finished.”
•  If you feel overwhelmed with having too much to do, you can say “Although this is important to me, I can’t help you at this time.” You may choose to give a reason why, but you don’t need to.
• If you sense abuse is imminent, you could say something like the following “I do not feel safe right now and I need to take care of myself.  If you choose not to calm down right now, I will leave, or I'll take the kids and leave.” 

Some of the ideas of this blog posting come from "Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie, and from "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.