Why It Can Be So Hard to Let Go

 

       
        Even when we know something is harming us and it will only get worse, it can still be a struggle to five it up.  What is the process of letting go and why are certain things so hard to give up?  Believing that we need a person, place, or thing in order to survive, to tolerate ourselves or our lives, or to be happy or have meaning, creates dependency.  Usually those needs begin when we are the most vulnerable.

        Take the example of a boy who suffers repeated physical abuse from an early age, and as a teenage, discovers heroin.  Not only does it magically remove all pain, it makes him feel transported to a state of bliss, comfort, and complete fulfillment.  

• In a family that is unable to bond or show affection or interest, a child is able to adopt a pet dog.  The dog allows her to feel more love than she ever imagined possible.  
• Consider a boy who has been a social outcast all of his life, who then begins a career as a drug dealer.  Suddenly, he has a surge of power, worth, and popularity.  
• The youngest sibling in a family of bullies, who is teased for being a baby, feels adult and mature when smoking cigarettes.  
• A girl who feels unloved at home and a failure at school discovers that boys want to be with her when she offers them sex.

        As in these examples, our attachment to something can start as a protection from pain that we don't know how to manage on our own.  We may not realize that we are dependent until we are threatened with the loss of our attachment.  Then we may not want to get out of bed; we may have panic attacks, or cry uncontrollably, or become aggressive or willing to go against our values and morals to hold on to what we feel we need.

        Even when we are not in a vulnerable, wounded place, we may try something and enjoy how it feels--smoking, shopping, eating sweets, or beginning a new friendship.  If the associations we attribute to these things are powerful or numerous, a dependency can develop.  Eating sweets can be associated with reward, pleasure, or giving to ourselves.  A new friend can be associated with greater comfort and acceptance of ourselves.  Shopping can be linked to lifting spirits.  Cigarettes can be a companion when talking on the phone and driving, thereby easing stress or fortifying us before a meeting, or as an additional pleasure after sex.

        Whenever we empower someone or something outside ourselves to being us positive feelings because we have limited knowledge of how to do this for ourselves, we build dependencies that can undermine self-esteem.  The more we invest in the outside for positive feelings, the less we invest in and believe in ourselves.  In these circumstances, when we lose what we feel we need, it seems as if we are losing ourselves.  Fear, anxiety, anger and depression are typical emotional reactions to this kind of letting go.

        If our dependencies become excessive and create significant problems, it is important to examine all dynamics underlying the dependency.  This includes pain, yearnings, positive and negative associations, identity, and self-esteem.  This process can involve finding support to heal pain and grieve.  We can discover what we wish to have more of or less of in ourselves and our lives, and how to do that.  We fully realize any negative elements and begin empowering ourselves through recognizing the positive within us.  We explore who we are with greater depth and clarity, ane make new associations that have healthier consequences.

From Grace Lost and Found by Mary Cook.

A New Model for Maturity

       In our childhood, dependent state, our safety, security, and happiness are irrevocably tied to our immediate social environment.  When this environment lacks the capacity to provide necessary physical and psychological functions for our well-being, we become wounded.

       The area of self or life that are not negatively impacted in childhood are free to evolve. We mature through a process of trial, error, exposure to new information, and training and modeling through a variety of people and experiences in our lives.  The wounded areas, however, generally remain in an immature state.  In the absence of healing, defenses arise to protect us partially from full awareness of present and future pain.  These defenses elimnate or reduce opportunities for growth.  As our social environments change and expand through life, our responses in these obstructed area remain static, until we develop the courage and desire to examine and change ourselves.

       The deepest and most enduring wounds usually occur in childhood.  Because a clear whole sense of identity has not yet formed, we see our child-selves prmarily as reactors and responders to others who have power over us.  Since thinking in these wounded areas remains static, we continue to over-empower others as the source of our safety, security, and happiness into adulthood.  This means that in every part of our selves and lives that hold unhealed wounds, we lack the personal awareness and responsibility necessary to experience mature health and happiness.  Furthermore, we believe that the problem lies either in others or in our lack of skill to change others so that they can take responsibility for our well-being.

       Thus we search for significant others to compensate and correct for previous painful experiences.  If we were abandoned as children, for example, this can translate into seeking a relationship with someone who never does or says anything we could perceive as a potential rejection.  They don't interact or speak with anyone that triggers our jealousy, insecurity, or sense of inferiority.  They cannot become angry with us or hurt us; they cannot withdraw affection or warmth without us feeling abandoned.  If we were abused as children, we may look for partners who are always kind, compassionate, sensitive, loving, and understanding. They must not raise their voices, become angry, critical, confrontational, controlling, impatient, intolerant, or argumentative, even for short periods of time, without us feeling endangered.

       These examples hopefully illustrate the impossibility of the "right partner" being the solution. To further complicate matters, as human beings, we are easily habituated to patterns of acting and thinking, and to attracting people who reflect our unresolved issues. Our patterns eventually become automatic and unconscious, to the point that we believe our current experiences confirm the past, even when no objective observer would validate this.

       We erroneously think that we need someone to gratify our needs today in such a magnified and perfect way that it eradicates the feeling of our past deprivation forevermore. This is unrealistic.  When we focus on what we missed and need, we reinforce and attract more experiences of missing and needing, rather than experiencing gratification.  The nature of habituation also means that we become attached to our specific problems and pain, and their resulting symptoms and defenses, and are reluctant to give them up.  We perceive them as an important part of our identities and even our survival strength.

       This accounts for us not believing, internalizing, and reinforcing positive experiences that can be a part of the healing process.  When we do obtain gratification for what we seek, we tend to dilute it with defenses rather than accept it with gratitude.  Because we are looking for a complete healing to come from others, we reject and resist anything short of this.  We focus on how the gratification hasn't lasted long enough yet, or likely isn't sincere. Or we set new, higher requirements for gratification.

       
       Healing and maturity doesn't come from others. They come from inside of us with the help of others. They come from allowing defensiveness to decrease, internalizing positive experiences, giving positive energy to ourselves and others, and processing and releasing past negativity.  Experiencing all of our feelings without clinging to them or fighting with them allows them to evolve.  

       The heart of our life journey is contained in the closed-off places within us.  Hidden behind every wound is a great gift waiting to be discovered.  If we think of the highest possible outcome of problems and tragedy, we get a glimpse of the power of spirituality and our soul's purpose.

       Our world is filled with examples of the worst possible outcomes.  Abuse breeds more abuse, more victims and perpetrators, more alienation, distrust, fear, and violence. Abandonment leads to depression, emptiness, enmeshment, manipulation, and worthlessness. Committing to recovery means we take the road of our highest purpose and set new models for maturity and fulfillment in all areas of our lives.


From Grace Lost and Found by Mary Cook.

Is Your Kid Staring at Sexualized Images of Women's Breasts?

How do you react when you notice your four year old son starting to look at sexualized images of women’s breasts? You know, those magazine covers that you can hardly avoid at the grocery store that show lots of cleavage? How do you even begin the conversation and prepare your child to look away?

Jeffrey J. Ford, a licensed marriage and family therapist who treats people with sex and pornography addictions, was asked for the answer. Jeff is a father of young children and gives some great tips for beginning these sensitive conversations early.

1. Create Safety. Don’t freak out or get angry at your child for being curious or staring at cleavage. Instead, remain calm and matter of fact. This will allow kids to be open with you and that will pay big dividends as they get older and need more guidance.

2. Use proper terminology to talk about their body parts. We don’t use different terms for our elbow so we need to be able to say words like “breasts,” “penis,” and/or “vagina” without any shame or embarrassment. When you do this, you create a safe place to talk about their private parts which builds a foundation for discussing sex when they get a bit older.

Note: Naming private parts of both genders also helps to protect kids from sexual abuse. It’s very helpful to create body safety rules for your kids.

So, what exactly could a parent say to a child staring at cleavage on a magazine cover at the grocery store? Here are a few ideas:

“That picture is showing too much of this woman’s breasts. Those are her private parts. Let’s look away and give her the same respect and privacy that we would give to mom [or your sister or aunt].”

Or you could say something like this:

“I can see you are staring at that woman on the magazine cover. It’s normal to be curious about these kinds of pictures. Do you remember that a woman’s breasts are a private area of her body? The people who make that magazine put that woman’s picture on the cover because they want us to look at their magazine.”

Here a parent could turn the magazine over so the picture no longer is showing.

“Let’s not fall for this trick. The truth is that it’s not good to look at pictures like that. This type of picture gets us to see a person as just a body, not as a whole person with thoughts and feelings. When I see pictures like this, I practice looking away. Will you try to do that, too?”

As we talk to our kids and teach them how to process and respond to overtly sexualized images in their environments, we prepare them to respect their own bodies and everyone else’s bodies, too. That will go a long way in preparing them to stay safe and reject pornography when they are exposed to it. Starting these conversations early reduces shame and keeps communication open for the years ahead.

The Drama Triangle - Part 2

Getting Out of the Triangle

Inevitably, most people experience unresolved issues from their childhood as adults, and even the emotionally healthiest people might recognize themselves in the Triangle.  The real problem, however, is when living in The Drama Triangle becomes a way of life, and is how we cope with life.  By recognizing drama, people can discover healthier ways to get their needs met.

But living within the drama makes a person feel less vulnerable--either consciously or subconsciously--because it offers a sense of control.  Acting the part of victim, rescuer, or persecutor enables a person to avoid the truth about themselves and others, and covers up deep-seated fears and emotions covered up for years.

To move out of The Drama Triangle, a person must be very honest with themselves, which is liberating but painful.  It takes being honest with others and establishing new boundaries with them, at the risk of being criticized, blamed, or rejected which can cause conflict to the person attempting to be honest.  This person might also be abandoned or left alone, the two main reasons why many buckle under and choose to stay in the drama.  

As someone ventures into the unknown world outside of the Triangle, they can experience great fear.  That person needs to believe in this new course of action and that they are capable of making the change.  That person needs to have faith that whatever the outcome is of their new healthy principles and boundaries, they will be fine in the end.  That person will learn to be accountable and responsible for their actions and behaviors, no longer needing to use the roles in the Triangle as a crutch.

If The Drama Triangle is driven to a great degree by emotion, it is really how children behave, as was referred to in the opening of this article.  Such behavior is immature and childlike. The "antidote" then is to get into an adult frame of mind.  Adults usually are more logical with an ability to reason with sound principles as they deal with life's experiences.  When the adult part of us is in charge, we are more able to acknowledge the emotions we are feeling, and then we logically work through our fears.  When the child part is in charge, we allow our fears to govern us.