What Is Trauma’s Fawn Response (People Pleasing & Appeasing)

What Is Trauma’s Fawn Response (People Pleasing & Appeasing)

Fight, Flight, Freeze are common terms most people have heard of. However, few have heard of Fawn.

What is Fawning?

Fawning is a response or reaction to trauma where the goal is to please others and be others focused.

Trauma is an experience or circumstance that overwhelms our bodies, brains, and nervous system because of the possibility of death, violence, loss, and more. 

Pete Walker coined the term fawn and defines it through the following: “The Fawn response is one of four defensive reactions to ongoing trauma. Those who fawn tend to put the needs and wants of others ahead of themselves at the cost of the health of their own egos, and the protection of and compassion for themselves.”

From: http://www.pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

Common Issues For Fawners

·         Feeling unsafe, fearful, and attempting to reduce these feelings by forfeiting their needs, boundaries, and desires for others

·         Deferring to others

·         Attempting to read or pick up on others’ emotions and feelings

·         Feeling exhausted when around new people and/or in new social situations

·         Needing time and space away after spending long periods of time with others to recharge

·         Relinquishing their needs and focusing on others’ needs

·         Codependency (there is no me, there is only a we)

·         Poor boundaries in relationship with self and others (difficulty saying no)

·         People pleaser (anxiety around upsetting others or being an inconvenience)

·         Allowing others to walk over them

·         Lack of a sense of Self (e.g. self-esteem, self worth)

·         Lack of connection to one’s emotions and feelings

·         Difficulty having desire, fun, and playing

·         Dislikes spontaneity

·         Feeling lonely, invisible, and disconnected from others

·         Shame (I am bad)

·         Guilt (I did something bad)

·         Self attack, criticism, demand, and judgement

·         Anxiety

Common Type Of Fawners

·         Successful in career and school, though relationships are difficult

·         Externally focused (e.g. image, body, weight, awards, money)

o    Seeks external validation, though a temporary fix

·         Emotionally exhausted due to the internal work they do to please others and maintain the peace (doing the double the work)

o    Thinking of others

o    Thinking of others’ reactions

o    Thinking of others’ reactions to what they said

o    Playing out possible scenarios that could happen

·         Over functioners (constantly working, reading, exercising, distracting from the internal)

·         Highly anxious and worried about the “What ifs?”

·         Hyper vigilant (mistrustful, difficulty trusting others, difficultly feeling safe in their body)

·         Fearful of rejection and abandonment

·         High levels of shame and guilt

o    I am bad

o    I did something bad

·         Often taught conditional love and in turn believers in conditional love vs. unconditional love

o    If I am X, I will be loved

o    If I do X, I will earn love

·         Difficulty accepting and receiving love (sabotages or mistrusts people who are open and giving with their love)

·         Lives in scarcity, rather than abundance (thoughts tend to be negative/pessimistic/catastrophic)

Learning A Fawn Response Occurs Due To

·         Fear of chaos and conflict

o    Learning that conflict = bad and peace = good. Attempting to maintain the peace whenever possible.

·         Fear of abuse

o    If I clean my room and do the dishes, maybe I won’t be abused

·         Fear of neglect

o    If I get good grades and stay quiet and obedient, I won’t be too much for others

·         Experiencing hyper criticism and judgement growing up

o    Short term motivation through demand, criticism, and judgement

o    Not very often feeling wanted, seen, loved, and valued

·         Impossible standards and unrealistic expectations

o    A way to regulate emotions and feel more in control

·         Double bind

o    Feeling stuck (If I do this, I’m screwed, if I do this other thing, I’m also screwed)

·         Fear of others being angry at them

o    Anger is bad

o    Anger might signal something bad might happen (e.g. abuse or conflict) so best to avoid it

How to Heal From The Fawn Response

Fawning is an adaptive coping skill/tool that helps people survive. People are just trying to live, get their needs met, and exist.

However, sometimes, these skills/tools are continually used when there is no longer the danger of trauma, violence, or loss and thus becomes maladaptive or unhelpful. 

Some Ways To Heal From Fawning Include

·         Engaging in inner child work and re-parenting

·         Being aware of fawning

·         Having language for fawning

·         Audio, verbal, and written reminders that you are indeed safe in the moment (if you are indeed safe at home or wherever you feel more control of)

o    I am safe right now in this moment

o    It is the year 2022

o    It is 3:08 p.m.

o    It is Monday

o    I am 22 years old

o    All the doors in my room are locked

·         Prioritizing your own needs and putting yourself first

·         Befriending your fawning part (getting to know it well rather than getting rid of it and pushing it away)

o    Making a list of how fawning has not served/helped you in life

o    Making a list of how fawning has served/helped you in life

o    Thanking it for helping you survive

o    Communicating with the fawning part that it might not need to help you now because right now in the present moment, you are indeed safe, worthy, and okay (if you are in a safe place and feel good)

·         Understanding you are not responsible for others’ emotions or happiness

·         Establishing healthy boundaries

o    Where did I learn boundaries from?

o    Who taught me boundaries?

o    Was it healthy boundaries? Was it unhealthy?

o    Types of boundaries

§  Counterdependence (I don’t need anyone and self-rely)

§  Codependence (I need you all the time, I can’t be alone and rely on others)

§  Interdependence (I need you sometimes and I can also rely on myself at other times)

·         Learning to say no and slowly becoming comfortable with it

o    Practice, practice, and start slow with those you trust and love

·         Being comfortable with conflict

o    This takes time as well; practice, practice, and start slow with those you trust and love

·         Being comfortable with feeling angry

o    This takes time as well; practice, practice

·         Understand your Window Of Tolerance and when you are feeling emotionally dsyregulated (triggered)

o    Am I hyperaroused or hypoaroused?

§  Hyperaroused: Irritable, angry, anxious, jittery, ruminating thoughts, blame, feeling deeply and intensely, overwhelmed, feeling hot in my body, racing heart beat.

§  Hypoaroused: Slowing down, disassociation, floating outside of my body, feeling not here in the moment, feeling frozen, shut down.

o    What do I need when I am triggered? How can I regulate/calm myself down?

o    How long am I triggered for on average?

o    What tends to happens before I am triggered?

o    What tends to happen during a trigger?

o    What tends to happen after I am triggered?

·         Becoming more comfortable with your body (sensations, feelings, tensions)

o    Where do I notice feeling angry?

o    Where do I notice feeling tense?

o    Where do I notice feeling scared?

o    How does my body store anxiety?

o    How can I discharge/release/let go of these sensations?

·         Having a different reaction when under pressure instead of fawning (cognitive, bodily/somatic)

o    Example: Instead of succumbing under pressure and taking care of someone else’s needs, focus on your own internal experience and do the opposite (or slowly learn to do the opposite) such as: saying no, taking a break, practicing compassion, asking for what you need, etc.

o    When we fawn, we have a somatic reaction/sensation inside. Get to know your reactions.

·         Seek professional help from a licensed therapist

Questions to Ask Yourself During A Conflict/Fight

·         Am I being honest with myself (and the other person)?

·         Am I over explaining and over apologizing as a habit and to please someone else?

·         Am I taking over responsibility for what is not my responsibility?

·         Am I trying to leave this fight/conflict as quickly as possible to seek relief from my discomfort?

·         What’s the worst thing that would happen if I asked for what I needed and focused on myself?