Even when we know something is harming us and it will only get worse, it can still be a struggle to five it up. What is the process of letting go and why are certain things so hard to give up? Believing that we need a person, place, or thing in order to survive, to tolerate ourselves or our lives, or to be happy or have meaning, creates dependency. Usually those needs begin when we are the most vulnerable.
Take the example of a boy who suffers repeated physical abuse from an early age, and as a teenage, discovers heroin. Not only does it magically remove all pain, it makes him feel transported to a state of bliss, comfort, and complete fulfillment.
- In a family that is unable to bond or show affection or interest, a child is able to adopt a pet dog. The dog allows her to feel more love than she ever imagined possible.
- Consider a boy who has been a social outcast all of his life, who then begins a career as a drug dealer. Suddenly, he has a surge of power, worth, and popularity.
- The youngest sibling in a family of bullies, who is teased for being a baby, feels adult and mature when smoking cigarettes.
- A girl who feels unloved at home and a failure at school discovers that boys want to be with her when she offers them sex.
As in these examples, our attachment to something can start as a protection from pain that we don't know how to manage on our own. We may not realize that we are dependent until we are threatened with the loss of our attachment. Then we may not want to get out of bed; we may have panic attacks, or cry uncontrollably, or become aggressive or willing to go against our values and morals to hold on to what we feel we need.
Even when we are not in a vulnerable, wounded place, we may try something and enjoy how it feels--smoking, shopping, eating sweets, or beginning a new friendship. If the associations we attribute to these things are powerful or numerous, a dependency can develop. Eating sweets can be associated with reward, pleasure, or giving to ourselves. A new friend can be associated with greater comfort and acceptance of ourselves. Shopping can be linked to lifting spirits. Cigarettes can be a companion when talking on the phone and driving, thereby easing stress or fortifying us before a meeting, or as an additional pleasure after sex.
Whenever we empower someone or something outside ourselves to being us positive feelings because we have limited knowledge of how to do this for ourselves, we build dependencies that can undermine self-esteem. The more we invest in the outside for positive feelings, the less we invest in and believe in ourselves. In these circumstances, when we lose what we feel we need, it seems as if we are losing ourselves. Fear, anxiety, anger and depression are typical emotional reactions to this kind of letting go.
If our dependencies become excessive and create significant problems, it is important to examine all dynamics underlying the dependency. This includes pain, yearnings, positive and negative associations, identity, and self-esteem. This process can involve finding support to heal pain and grieve. We can discover what we wish to have more of or less of in ourselves and our lives, and how to do that. We fully realize any negative elements and begin empowering ourselves through recognizing the positive within us. We explore who we are with greater depth and clarity, ane make new associations that have healthier consequences.
From Grace Lost and Found by Mary Cook.
From Grace Lost and Found by Mary Cook.
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