The Drama Triangle 2.0

          Based on the work of Dr. Stephan B. Karpman, the Drama Triangle is a simple but powerfully accurate instrument to help people recognize when they are living with unhealthy behaviors and undefined boundaries. Learning about it is often a revealing experience for people because they are able to identify how their lack of healthy boundaries affects their relationships and interactions with others.

          The principal premise of the Drama Triangle instrument is that people often assume specific roles in their lives that produce drama.  The purpose of understanding the Drama Triangle is for you to recognize the roles that produce drama in your life and the lives of those around you, and then to remove yourself from those roles, unless you want to live a boundary-less, drama-filled life.

          People assume roles in the drama for various reasons.  They can give themselves the appearance of being in control.  They can manipulate those around them.  They can convince their egos that they are helping others.  They can allow themselves to stay stuck in a situation.  Ultimately, they gradually rely on the roles to the extent that the roles become a way of life—a life full of drama.

          People can assume these roles without consciously intending to control or manipulate, but it is usually intentional.  Individuals who struggle with addictive behaviors are such people. But they will, at last, draw others into their drama in the role(s) to get their needs met.  Such persons will usually control and manipulate because they have not learned more appropriate, non-destructive ways to get their own needs met. 

VICTIM

          Victims believe they need someone to think for them, take care of them, and solve problems for them.  They act powerless and incapable.  They feel picked on and play a martyr role.  They lack accountability to themselves.  They think they are not good enough.

          You can find Victims around people in the Persecutor role who consistently demean them, criticize them, or nag them.  Persecutors need someone to victimize, and Victims allow them to do it because they have underlying boundary problems and feel powerless.

          You can find Victims around people in the Rescuer role who, because of their ego, feel they must save the Victim from themselves because the Rescuer sees them as less than.  These Victims feel justified in their role, and can go so far as to “prove” that they need help, they need to be rescued.  If they can appear fragile and incapable, they can get others to take care of them.  Just as Victims need Rescuers, Rescuers need Victims; they allow them to function.

          The following statements describe what some Victims consciously or subconsciously tell themselves:

“I hold in my anger until I am ready to explode.”

“I feel alone in the world.”

“I feel like my life is hopeless.”

“I have a fear of being abandoned or alone.”

“When people try to help me, I think of reasons why it won’t work.”

“I have more problems than my friends.”

“I resent others’ success and happiness.”

“I often feel unwilling or unable to handle difficulties, to deal with life.”

“I feel no one understands me.”

“I act the role of martyr to get what I want.”

“I feel that I can never please my partner.”

“I find it difficult to speak up and assert myself.”

“I feel picked on.”

“I constantly tell myself that I’m ‘not doing it right.’”

“I often whine and complain about the way things are.”

          Eventually, Victims become resentful of their Persecutors and/or Rescuers.  They resent their “one-down” position, the vertical nature of the relationship.  This can motivate the Victim to also become a Persecutor or a Rescuer for a time. This can occur over time, within a conversation, or even in a matter of seconds.

          Often when Victims move into the Persecutor role, it is out of their resentment and frustration. Their small egos force them to take the offensive and stand up for themselves by making the Persecutor the Victim.  Victims will occasionally do something stupid or aggressive to get back at their Persecutor.  An extreme case of role reversal with a Victim and Persecutor is when the Victim threatens or attempts suicide as punishment. A Victim can become a Rescuer with the intent of becoming a Victim again, or become a Persecutor by helping someone out then complain or gossip about them.  It’s very easy to play the martyr role.

RESCUERS

            They define themselves by their behavior as fixers, helpers, and caretakers, and are often proud of their “one-up” position.  They believe in the idea of taking care of people and see themselves as providing a service for the Victims.  There are three problems with these “acts of service”: 1) their motivation for helping is often about their own anxiety, their own need to help, their need to see themselves as valuable, rather than the actual needs of the person they are helping, 2) they disable the Victim by making them dependent on them and doing what the Victim should be doing for themselves, and 3) they enable the Victim because their help allows the Victim to stay in Victim mode rather than dealing with their unhealthy behavior. 

          If Rescuers deceive themselves by thinking that the Victim will not make it without them, the Rescuer feels justified in their role.  But underneath that self-deceit is a genuine fear that the Victim will abandon them.  To prevent that, a Rescuer will do all within their power to make themselves indispensible to their Victim.  They position themselves in a “one-up” place and the Victims in a “one-down” place so as to affirm to their egos that they are better then, stronger than, smarter than, or simply more together than their Victims.

          Being a Rescuer is all about needing and exercising control.  They feel a sense of power over others by being so helpful and saintly.  Rather than face their own insecurities and fears, they distract themselves by paying more attention to others and putting others’ needs first.  Absurdly, this is also a Victim role.

            The following statements are what some Rescuers may consciously or subconsciously tell themselves:

          “I try to help people even when they tell me they don’t need my help.”

          “I feel compelled to help others with their problems.”

          “I feel guilty if I don’t take care of everyone’s problems.”

          “I like the feeling of having people depend on me.”

          “I get offended if people don’t realize how much I’ve done for them.”

          “I feel guilty if I say ‘no’ when someone asks me to volunteer for something.”

          “I take on the burdens and responsibilities of others.”

          “I am in an unhealthy situation with someone who has an addiction.”

          “I tolerate too much.”

          “I feel unappreciated when I give and give and receive little in return.”

          “I don’t confront others about their problems but instead continue to help them.”

          “I feel like my needs are not as important as others’ needs.”

          “I help others keep secrets.”

          “I put everyone else’s needs before my own.”

          As you likely have noticed from these statements, Rescuers are really trying to meet their own needs under the guise of helping others.   Their unmet needs surface in the need to control, to feel valued, to feel power in their “one-up” position.  They have convinced themselves of their good intentions, but in the end, it is really about them. As stated previously, Victims need Rescuers and Rescuers need Victims.

          As you also may have noticed above, Rescuers can position themselves as Victims or Persecutors.  They become resentful if not fully appreciated because they are doing so much for the Victim, or they may withdraw their caretaking, become hostile, or use the “silent treatment” as a form of punishment.

PERSECUTOR

          Just as the Rescuer looks for someone to fix, Persecutors constantly look for someone to blame for his or her problems.  They deny that they have issues.  They avoid taking personal responsibility by focusing on the weaknesses or problems of others.  In addition, Persecutors attempt to avoid uncomfortable issues and feelings in their own lives by projecting that anxiety onto others by making offensive, sarcastic, or blunt remarks about them.  They often spend time around people whom they feel justified in criticizing.

          Persecutors usually feel a sense of power over others, and are adept at covering up their irresponsible behavior by lecturing, preaching, criticizing, or ridiculing.  Because of their inner anxieties, they are known for their bad tempers and demeaning others.  This gives them a sense of control over others because others will not usually dare to confront them about their behaviors.

          The following statements describe what some Persecutors may tell themselves consciously or subconsciously:

          “I often blame others for my problems.”

          “I lecture or interrogate my spouse, children, and others about their problems.”

          “I verbally attack others.”

          “I often demonstrate passive-aggressive behavior.”

          “I frequently make sarcastic or biting remarks.”

          “I shame others for their mistakes.”

          “I demand the respect of those around me, particularly family members.”

          “I relentlessly tease others.”

          “I am very critical of those around me.”

          “I like to feel a sense of power over others.”

          “I often act like I don’t care.”

          “I am known for being blunt.”

          “I make the rules in my family or workplace."

          “I patronize others when they tell me their frustrations.”

          If a Persecutor feels that he or she is losing control and dominance, being in the “one-up” position, they might move into a Victim role as a way to justify their behavior and manipulate.  This can occur over a period of time, within a conversation, or even within seconds; it's all part of their drama.  Because Persecutors need Victims, and Victims need Prosecutors.

          Like all within the Drama Triangle, Persecutors, Rescuers, and Victims can be clueless that they are in it. It takes introspection, mindfulness, and courage to admit they have a problem.  It takes recognizing drama roles and not being drawn into them.  It takes getting their needs met without manipulating others.  It takes learning what codependence is and learning to establish boundaries with consequences.  It is less about occasional dysfunctional moments and more about not allowing the Drama Triangle to become a way of life!

Boundaries #4

In geography, boundaries are the borders marking a state, a country, or a person's land.  Unlike states on maps, we don't have thick black lines delineating OUR boundaries.  Yet each of us has our own territory.  Our boundaries define and contain that territory, which includes our bodies, minds, emotions, spirit, possessions, and rights.  Boundaries define and surround all our energy, the individual self that we each call "me."  Our borders are invisible, but real.  There is a place where I end and you begin.  My purpose here is to help you learn to identify and have respect for your boundaries.

Boundaries are to protect ourselves.  Melody Beattie, in defining what boundaries are in her book Beyond Codependency, frames boundaries in this way:

"It's a decision to tell someone he or she cannot use us, hurt us, or take what we have, whether those possessions are concrete or abstract.  [It's a decision] to tell them they cannot abuse us, or otherwise invade or infringe on us in a particular way."

I use the term boundary frequently in the recovery work that I do with those with addictive behaviors (most people have addictive behaviors!) and with their loved ones whose lives have been affected by those behaviors.  I use it to describe an action--setting a boundary--meaning an attempt to protect ourselves from something or someone.  Often, when attempting to establish a boundary, what the person is saying to someone is that he or she cannot use us, hurt us, or take what we have, whether those possessions are concrete or abstract.  That person has decided to tell someone that they will no longer be abused or otherwise invaded or infringed upon in a particular way.  The person has decided to no longer allow someone to trample on them.  It is a line in the sand!

WEAK BOUNDARIES FROM CHILDHOOD

      Boundaries are supposed to be taught by parents, but often parents did not have a sense of boundaries, or they built emotional walls instead of boundaries.  They may have had boundaries but with holes in them, or they did not have consequences that put "teeth" into the boundaries.  Parents may not have had boundaries growing up on their own actions or the actions of those around them. Thus the dysfunction can be multi-generational, and the dysfunction can powerfully distill to the present.  Inappropriate generational roles among extended family members, and inappropriate roles between one's family and other families, can also hurt boundary formation.

Although some people are fortunate enough to emerge into adulthood knowing who they are, and what their rights are and aren't, many emerge into adulthood with damaged, scarred, or non-existent boundaries.  Those who saw them modeled well learned not to trespass on other people's territories and do not now allow others to invade theirs.  They have healthy boundaries and a solid sense of self.  But for others, boundaries are inconsistent, rarely or never attached to consequences, or are completely off their radar.

Having not learned or been taught about boundaries growing up, or having had family disregard any boundaries they may have attempted to have, a child will construct thick and high emotional walls to protect themselves from being hurt further.  Children may have weak or non-existent emotional boundaries if they felt emotionally or physically neglected or abandoned, or weren't raised with appropriate discipline and limits.  Regretfully, some children are sometimes forced into inappropriate roles with those around them.

      Such children may not have developed a "self," an identity, or a healthy sense of self-esteem, because it is challenging for a "self" to form in a void, or when consistently disregarded.  As an adult, to protect yourself as a coping strategy, you may have used that emotional wall constructed in childhood.  It serves as a sort of protective castle, not allowing anybody to get in to hurt you, but also as a prison, not allowing you to emotionally get out.

Abuse, humiliation, or shame by one's caregivers damages boundaries.  Abuse, humiliation, or shame, do not necessarily have had to have been received in significant or memorable ways.  They can even be the result of a one-time put down, or a non-verbal glance or scowl.  All of these can result in an inability to have boundaries.  As an adult, you are vulnerable to invasion in many areas, until such time you increase in your self-esteem and can begin to create borders for yourself.

       How you connected with your primary caregivers determined how you presently connect with others as adults.  Your boundaries determine how you fit or bond with those around you.  If you have weak boundaries, you may get lost in another's territory.

If you as a child or youth had to take care of someone who was supposed to be your caregiver, you may believe other people's thoughts, feelings, and problems are your responsibility.  If you lived with someone who encouraged you to be overly dependent on them as your caregiver, you may not have learned how to have a complete sense of self.  You may have entered into adulthood feeling like you were half of something, less than, or needed another person to be complete.

Controlling, insecure people invade territories.  They trespass, and think that it's their right to do so.  If you lived with someone who tried to control your thoughts, body, or feelings, your boundaries will have been damaged.  If your right to your emotions, thoughts, body, privacy, and possessions wasn't respected, you may not realize as an adult that you have rights. You may not fully understand that others have rights either.

With weak boundaries from childhood, if you as an adult often whine or complain or experience anger or rage toward another, these are clues that interpersonal boundaries need to be set.  The behavior of others you cannot stand, do not like, obsess about, or hate, are areas that may be crying out for boundaries.  The boundary process doesn’t mean an initial absence of feeling angry, whining, or complaining.  It means learning to listen closely to yourself to hear what you’re saying and feeling.  These things are indicators of problems, just like an “idiot light” on a car dashboard.  Your physical body can also tell you when a boundary is necessary.  You may need to get a little upset to motivate yourself to finally establish a boundary, but you don’t need to stay resentful to enforce it.

      Some people, especially loved ones, may get angry at you for setting boundaries, particularly if you’re changing an interpersonal “system” by establishing a boundary where you previously had none.  People especially become angry if you’ve been caretaking them, in one form or another, or allowing them to use or control you, and you decide it’s time to change the dynamic.  Boundaries are to take care of you, not to control others.  Often, the key to setting boundaries isn’t so much convincing other people you are serious and have limits—it’s convincing yourself to do whatever it takes.  

It is okay to say “no” or “no more.” But what you do needs to match what you say.  It doesn’t do any good to set a boundary unless you’re ready to enforce it, and that takes both energy and self-esteem.  For example, if your boundary is to not allow your 7-year old to sleep in your bed, then rationalize or not reinforce it, it’s not a boundary, it’s a wish. 

A woman went to her therapist and recited her usual and regular tirade of complaints about her husband.  “When will this stop,” the woman finally asked the counselor.  “When you want it to,” the therapist responded.

ENFORCING BOUNDARIES

Consequences and ultimatums are the best way to enforce boundaries. But establishing consequences and ultimatums require a person to have sufficient self-esteem to follow through.  The good news is that by following through on them, it improves one’s self esteem—which can increase the likelihood that a person will continue to put teeth in their boundaries!  It’s a cycle. Without consequences and ultimatums, boundaries are merely threats or attempts to manipulate.  A failed enforced boundary is an indication that there is more work to be done to strengthen self-esteem and resolve.

Saying or doing things that physically or emotionally challenge us builds self-esteem.  A good message to consistently send to yourself as you build your self-esteem through establishing boundaries with consequences or ultimatums is:  If it makes me feel comfortable, I probably ought not to do it.  But if it makes me feel uncomfortable, I probably ought to do it!

Here are suggestions on how to enforce boundaries:

If your boundary is violated, you need to look at removing something desirable or adding something undesirable to the violator’s life.  For most people, removing something the violator wants is most effective.  For example, if you have a teenager who has little free time, the removal of television privileges accomplishes that.  Sometimes, however, adding a chore for the teenager for a violation can be a deterrent, although that can require your energy and time to supervise.

It is likewise important to not interfere with a natural consequence.  The temptation is to intervene.  Don’t!  Losing a relationship as a result of being selfish, spending the night at a police station after being picked up or having abused someone, missing out on a movie, concert, or event for having spent all their money, a child’s negative reaction to a parent’s misbehavior, or estrangement for violating a rule, are natural consequences and need to be allowed to take their course.  Not all situations have a natural consequence, and you must attempt to apply a consequence of your own making.

A consequence or ultimatum must matter to the violator or it won’t mean much.  The violator needs to want and desire what is being lost, or is added to his/her life.  Knowing the other person’s hearts, interests, and desires are very important.  Occasionally, the violator will not want you to know that your consequence matters to them, but this is a power play.  Or the person may believe that you will drop the consequence as you might have done in the past.  This is not the time to get wobbly or second guess yourself!  Remember, boundaries are about maintaining your sanity, taking care of yourself, and having a non-stressed, non-codependent life.  Try to keep that vision!

If there is a positive response to a boundary, it is important to somehow acknowledge the good behavior.  A person who submits to a consequence can feel humiliated, powerless, weak, alone, or vulnerable.  This is time for grace and comfort and not for lectures.

Setting boundaries with consequences or ultimatums takes practice.  How severe is too severe?  How easy is too easy?  It may seem awkward or unnatural.  If possible, practice them in situations such as at work, other organizations, or with a salesperson, where the stakes are not as high as with family.  This is likely virgin territory.  People who are used to having their own way with you may not like the new, assertive you.  So extend grace to yourself for feeling daunted or afraid, or if you fail to follow through.  You are at least attempting to change who you are or have been.  This is a skill set, a process, and it will develop with practice.  And part of that practice/rehearsal can even take place in front of a mirror!

Here are some examples of boundaries with consequences. This is giving others choices, but giving you choices as well.

• If there is someone who is very angry at you and have raised their voice, consider saying “You may not continue to yell at me.  If you choose to continue, I will choose the leave the room and end this discussion.  It’s up to you.”
•  If there is someone pressuring you to do something immediately and you don’t want to, say something like “I have a policy of not making snap decisions. (Or I need to consult with X)  I need some time to think.  If you need an immediate answer, it will be ‘no’.”
•  If you are facing criticism, you could modify this sentence to a specific situation by calmly stating “It is not okay with me for you to criticize me about my weight.  Please stop.  If you choose not to, this conversation is finished.”
•  If you feel overwhelmed with having too much to do, you can say “Although this is important to me, I can’t help you at this time.” You may choose to give a reason why, but you don’t need to.
• If you sense abuse is imminent, you could say something like the following “I do not feel safe right now and I need to take care of myself.  If you choose not to calm down right now, I will leave, or I'll take the kids and leave.” 

Some of the ideas of this blog posting come from "Beyond Codependency" by Melody Beattie, and from "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

Codependency

Perhaps you’ve heard the word codependent used.  What is it?  What does it look like in relationships? Am I codependent?  Is my partner? If I have kids, are they codependent with me, and I with them?

In the dictionary, the term codependent is defined as “a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.”  Looking at the word and its roots, “Co” means “jointly or mutually” or “indicating partnership or equality;” “dependent” means “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.”

Combining these definitions, it could be written that codependence involves two people or entities who are mutually “psychologically dependent and addicted, relying on each other in an unhealthy way for aid, support and validation.”

The “relying on each other in a unhealthy way” usually involves an element of one or both of them seeking obsessive control of the other or their situation.  That “other” might be a lover or spouse, a child, an adult, a grandparent, a best friend.  One feels either less than or greater than the other, and believes that they must control that other for that other’s own good.

In the landmark book about codependency called Codependent No More, Melody Beattie defines codependency in this way:  “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”

But she rightly points out that “the definition lies not in the other person, no matter how much one believes it does.  It lies in one’s self, in the ways one has let other people’s behavior affect them: the obsessing, the controlling, the abundance of anger and guilt, other centeredness, abandonment of self, communication problems, and intimacy problems.”

Another way to identify codependency is to look at ourselves to determine if we are reacting instead of acting, allowing others to determine what our action, attitude, or plans will be?  Do I allow them to take away my personal power?  Do I habitually think, feel, and behave toward others in a reactionary way that causes me pain?  Do I overreact to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others?  Do I overreact to my own problems, pains, and behaviors?

It is said that codependency is “the mother of all addictions.”  It is a mother in the sense that nearly everyone is codependent at one time or another.  Even organizations, like political parties, churches, governments or organizations within governments, can be codependent.  Codependence is everywhere!  It is also a mother in that all people that have addictive behaviors or attitudes also have codependent issues; “addicts” are always codependent, and they usually have someone(s) who is trying to rescue them.

Look at the following list as if looking in a mirror, and ask yourself if you sometimes have, or always have, any of these codependent tendencies.  While you will likely identify other people or organizations you are familiar with that display such tendencies, focus on yourself and your behaviors and attitudes.  This could be all about you!

CODEPENDENTS…

• ·         Feel threatened by the loss of any person or thing they think provides them happiness.
• ·         Look to relationships to provide all their good feelings.
• ·         Often seek love from people incapable of loving.
• ·         Worry whether other people love or like them.
• ·         Think they are nobody until somebody “loves” them.
• ·         Tolerate abuse to keep people “loving” them.
• ·         Center their lives around other people.
• ·         Desperately seek love and approval from others.
• ·         Don’t feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves.
• ·         Try to control events or people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, manipulation, or domination.
• ·         Become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally.
• ·         Stay busy so they don’t have to think about things.
• ·         Feel unable to quit talking, thinking, or worrying about other people or problems.
• ·         Beat themselves up for everything, including the way they think, feel, look, act, and behave.
• ·         Get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indignant when others blame and criticize them, something codependents regularly do to themselves.
• ·         Try to prove that they are good enough to other people.
• ·         Feel guilty about spending money on themselves or doing fun or unnecessary things for themselves.
• ·         Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when others have a problem.
• ·         Think and feel responsible for other people—for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, or ultimate destiny.
• ·         Feel compelled—almost forced—to help that person solve their problem, through offering unwanted advice, a list of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
• ·         Anticipate other people’s feelings, and wonder why others don’t do that for them.
• ·         Obsess about what someone is doing in an attempt to control them
• ·         Find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they do not really want to do, doing more than their fair share, and doing things for others that others are capable of doing for themselves.
• ·         Are afraid that people will think less of them.
• ·         Often do not know what they want or need, or if they do, tell themselves that what they want or need is unimportant.
• ·         Feel bored, empty, and worthless if they do not have crisis/drama in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help.
• ·         Blame others for the spot they are in.
• ·         Feel victimized, unappreciated, and used.
• ·         Say other people make them feel the way they do.
• ·         Often do not say what they mean, or mean what they say.
• ·         Ask for what they want and need indirectly—sighing, for example.
• ·         Have a difficult time expressing their feelings honestly, openly, and appropriately.
• ·         Will think or even say “if you really loved me, you would…”
• ·         Apologize for bothering people.
• ·         Think people will go away from them if anger enters the picture, and are controlled by that anger.
• ·         Feel safer with their anger than with hurt feelings.
• ·         Reach a point where they become aggressive because they feel victimized.
• ·         Combine passive and aggressive responses.
• ·         Withdraw emotionally from their partner.
• ·         Have sex when they don’t want to.

(Compiled from lists in Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, and from my own professional experience.)

The list above is one of unhealthy attachments to another person.  Over-involvement in others’ lives produces a state of chaos and detachment from self.  If I am codependent, I have little energy left to live my own life because it has all been spent on others.  Codependence overworks me and underworks them, and ultimately, their problems will not be solved.  I may have even succeeded in making them dependent on me, which is really bad for me and for them, although I may have thought or felt I was rescuing them from themselves.

Codependence is an obsession with another person.  If I am codependent, I can think and talk about nothing else.  I may be listening, but actually my mind is racing and obsessing in compulsive thought.  I am preoccupied with the object of my obsession.  I am living my life in a reactionary way, living for them and through them.  My thoughts and feelings are out of control, and controlling me.  It is all an illusion, a trick I am playing on myself.  And if I do it long enough, it will seem like my “normal.” 

DETACHMENT

If I am obsessively attached to someone or something, the only solution is to detach from that someone or something.  Detachment does not mean that I suddenly become cold, mean-spirited, emotionally withdrawn, unaffected by what happens to other people or things, or living in Pollyanna-like ignorance or bliss.  It does not mean that I stop being responsible to others and to myself.  And it is not removing my love and concern; although sometimes that is the best thing I can do, for a time.

It is a healthy neutrality.  It means I am in the process of learning to love, care, and be involved with another without the crazy obsession.  I am learning to make good decisions, not decisions based upon my anxiety and compulsive thoughts and feelings.  I am not trying to solve another's problems; rather, I am allowing myself the freedom to care and love in ways that don’t hurt me and can help them.  I am finding the ability to live my own life without excessive feelings of guilt or responsibility for others.

In a handout used in Al-Anon, a support group for people whose lives have become crazy because of codependence through the addiction of a loved one, it describes the process of detaching in this way:

"Detachment is based on the premise that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help.  We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off of other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead.  If people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music.  We allow people to be who they are.  We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow.  And we give ourselves that same freedom.  We live our own lives to the best of our ability.  We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change.  Then we stop trying to change things we can't...."

"Detachment involves 'present day living'--living in the here and now.  We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it.  We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future.  We make the most of each day."

"Detachment also involves accepting reality--the facts.  It requires faith--in ourselves, in a Higher Power, in other people, and in the natural order and destiny of things in this world.  We believe in the rightness and appropriateness of each moment.  We release our burdens and cares, and give ourselves the freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems.  We trust that all is well in spite of the conflicts.  We trust that Someone [or Something] greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening.  We understand that this Someone [or Something] can do much more to solve the problem than we can.  So we try to stay out of the way..."

If I can successfully detach, I will achieve the great reward of serenity.  Serenity allows me to experience peace, to be energized to give and receive love, and to figure out the real solutions to my problems. Serenity allows me to love and care in ways that help others and doesn't hurt me. My serenity can even motivate and liberate people around me to begin to solve their own problems as they pick up the slack and begin to worry about themselves.  Serenity helps me to mind my own business.

As I learn to detach, my challenge is to be mindful, to observe my thoughts and feelings.  I can gradually learn to recognize when I am reacting, when someone is trying to yank my chain and pull me into drama. Often, when I react by starting to feel sorry for myself, or feel worried, anxious, outraged, rejected, indignant, ashamed, or confused, that may be an indication that I have been snagged. It then is a matter of exercising a choice to determine how long I want to be snagged, and what I can do to extract myself from those reactionary feelings.  If I catch myself using the words "you made me feel...," that is symptomatic of reaction and unhealthy attachment.

As I learn to detach, I will learn to take care of myself and get to a physical and emotionally healing place.  If I find myself in the middle of drama or chaos, I can make the choice to extract myself from it until I can restore my sense of serenity.  Sometimes taking some deep breaths, going for a walk, exercising, cleaning something, or going to visit a friend, for example, allows me to physically and emotionally distance myself from the situation.  Taking care of myself helps me restore my neutrality, my balance.

As I learn to detach, I need to examine what snagged me.  If it is a minor incident, I may be able to sort it out myself.  If it is more serious, or seriously upsetting me, I may want to discuss it with a friend or a therapist, as a way to sort through it.  Troubles and feelings can spiral out of control so they need to be talked about and not stuffed.  But I need to take responsibility for whatever feelings I am experiencing, and tell the truth to myself about what happened.  Remember that nobody can make you feel; someone can influence you to feel a particular way, but you are doing all of the feeling.

Detachment does not mean resignation to the miserable way things have been or might be.  It certainly does not mean tolerating any kind of abuse.  It means that for the present moment, I acknowledge and accept my circumstances.  It means acknowledging myself and those around me, as I am and as they are.  It means I don't need to obsess anymore.  It means that only from that truthful, congruent place can I have the serenity and thus the ability to evaluate these circumstances, make appropriate changes, and solve my problems.  

        

Detaching is letting go by surrendering control.  When I attempt to control others, I am being controlled--by them, losing control of myself.  I can be controlled not only by people but by circumstances as well.  In that controlling place, I am losing my ability to think, feel, and act in my best interest, because control is an illusion.  I cannot control someone's compulsive behaviors; I cannot control someone's emotions; I cannot change their mind; I cannot control outcomes of events that occur; I cannot control life.

Others will do what they want to do, what is in their self-interest.  They will think how they want to think and feel how they want to feel.  People will change when they feel the need to, and will change only when they are ready.  It doesn't matter what they are doing to themselves; it doesn't matter that I could help them if they would only listen to or cooperate with me.  Even if controlling them could help them, they would resist my efforts and become defensive.  If they were to decide to please me and take my controlling help, they would turn their back when I wasn't involved and do the opposite.

Besides, if I control you, I make you dependent on me.  Such dependency can kill love because it is based upon emotional insecurity and need, and not on real love.  Insecure neediness smothers love and drives people away.  And if I feel unneeded, I become hurt, resentful, or even angry. Thus, my insecure neediness has given that person my power, and that person is controlling me.

So if you see yourself in a codependent role,  I challenge you to begin the process today to do something about it.  Begin to free yourself from the burden of obsessing, reacting, controlling, and neediness, by practicing detaching.  Begin to really notice what you are saying, doing, feeling.  Serenity and peace await you; it is all about you and your decision to mindfully notice yourself, and then to change.  Change is good!