Codependency

Perhaps you’ve heard the word codependent used.  What is it?  What does it look like in relationships? Am I codependent?  Is my partner? If I have kids, are they codependent with me, and I with them?

In the dictionary, the term codependent is defined as “a relationship in which one person is physically or psychologically addicted, and the other person is psychologically dependent on the first in an unhealthy way.”  Looking at the word and its roots, “Co” means “jointly or mutually” or “indicating partnership or equality;” “dependent” means “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.”

Combining these definitions, it could be written that codependence involves two people or entities who are mutually “psychologically dependent and addicted, relying on each other in an unhealthy way for aid, support and validation.”

The “relying on each other in a unhealthy way” usually involves an element of one or both of them seeking obsessive control of the other or their situation.  That “other” might be a lover or spouse, a child, an adult, a grandparent, a best friend.  One feels either less than or greater than the other, and believes that they must control that other for that other’s own good.

In the landmark book about codependency called Codependent No More, Melody Beattie defines codependency in this way:  “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”

But she rightly points out that “the definition lies not in the other person, no matter how much one believes it does.  It lies in one’s self, in the ways one has let other people’s behavior affect them: the obsessing, the controlling, the abundance of anger and guilt, other centeredness, abandonment of self, communication problems, and intimacy problems.”

Another way to identify codependency is to look at ourselves to determine if we are reacting instead of acting, allowing others to determine what our action, attitude, or plans will be?  Do I allow them to take away my personal power?  Do I habitually think, feel, and behave toward others in a reactionary way that causes me pain?  Do I overreact to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others?  Do I overreact to my own problems, pains, and behaviors?

It is said that codependency is “the mother of all addictions.”  It is a mother in the sense that nearly everyone is codependent at one time or another.  Even organizations, like political parties, churches, governments or organizations within governments, can be codependent.  Codependence is everywhere!  It is also a mother in that all people that have addictive behaviors or attitudes also have codependent issues; “addicts” are always codependent, and they usually have someone(s) who is trying to rescue them.

Look at the following list as if looking in a mirror, and ask yourself if you sometimes have, or always have, any of these codependent tendencies.  While you will likely identify other people or organizations you are familiar with that display such tendencies, focus on yourself and your behaviors and attitudes.  This could be all about you!

CODEPENDENTS…

• ·         Feel threatened by the loss of any person or thing they think provides them happiness.
• ·         Look to relationships to provide all their good feelings.
• ·         Often seek love from people incapable of loving.
• ·         Worry whether other people love or like them.
• ·         Think they are nobody until somebody “loves” them.
• ·         Tolerate abuse to keep people “loving” them.
• ·         Center their lives around other people.
• ·         Desperately seek love and approval from others.
• ·         Don’t feel happy, content, or peaceful with themselves.
• ·         Try to control events or people through helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, manipulation, or domination.
• ·         Become afraid to let other people be who they are and allow events to happen naturally.
• ·         Stay busy so they don’t have to think about things.
• ·         Feel unable to quit talking, thinking, or worrying about other people or problems.
• ·         Beat themselves up for everything, including the way they think, feel, look, act, and behave.
• ·         Get angry, defensive, self-righteous, and indignant when others blame and criticize them, something codependents regularly do to themselves.
• ·         Try to prove that they are good enough to other people.
• ·         Feel guilty about spending money on themselves or doing fun or unnecessary things for themselves.
• ·         Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when others have a problem.
• ·         Think and feel responsible for other people—for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, or ultimate destiny.
• ·         Feel compelled—almost forced—to help that person solve their problem, through offering unwanted advice, a list of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
• ·         Anticipate other people’s feelings, and wonder why others don’t do that for them.
• ·         Obsess about what someone is doing in an attempt to control them
• ·         Find themselves saying yes when they mean no, doing things they do not really want to do, doing more than their fair share, and doing things for others that others are capable of doing for themselves.
• ·         Are afraid that people will think less of them.
• ·         Often do not know what they want or need, or if they do, tell themselves that what they want or need is unimportant.
• ·         Feel bored, empty, and worthless if they do not have crisis/drama in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help.
• ·         Blame others for the spot they are in.
• ·         Feel victimized, unappreciated, and used.
• ·         Say other people make them feel the way they do.
• ·         Often do not say what they mean, or mean what they say.
• ·         Ask for what they want and need indirectly—sighing, for example.
• ·         Have a difficult time expressing their feelings honestly, openly, and appropriately.
• ·         Will think or even say “if you really loved me, you would…”
• ·         Apologize for bothering people.
• ·         Think people will go away from them if anger enters the picture, and are controlled by that anger.
• ·         Feel safer with their anger than with hurt feelings.
• ·         Reach a point where they become aggressive because they feel victimized.
• ·         Combine passive and aggressive responses.
• ·         Withdraw emotionally from their partner.
• ·         Have sex when they don’t want to.

(Compiled from lists in Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, and from my own professional experience.)

The list above is one of unhealthy attachments to another person.  Over-involvement in others’ lives produces a state of chaos and detachment from self.  If I am codependent, I have little energy left to live my own life because it has all been spent on others.  Codependence overworks me and underworks them, and ultimately, their problems will not be solved.  I may have even succeeded in making them dependent on me, which is really bad for me and for them, although I may have thought or felt I was rescuing them from themselves.

Codependence is an obsession with another person.  If I am codependent, I can think and talk about nothing else.  I may be listening, but actually my mind is racing and obsessing in compulsive thought.  I am preoccupied with the object of my obsession.  I am living my life in a reactionary way, living for them and through them.  My thoughts and feelings are out of control, and controlling me.  It is all an illusion, a trick I am playing on myself.  And if I do it long enough, it will seem like my “normal.” 

DETACHMENT

If I am obsessively attached to someone or something, the only solution is to detach from that someone or something.  Detachment does not mean that I suddenly become cold, mean-spirited, emotionally withdrawn, unaffected by what happens to other people or things, or living in Pollyanna-like ignorance or bliss.  It does not mean that I stop being responsible to others and to myself.  And it is not removing my love and concern; although sometimes that is the best thing I can do, for a time.

It is a healthy neutrality.  It means I am in the process of learning to love, care, and be involved with another without the crazy obsession.  I am learning to make good decisions, not decisions based upon my anxiety and compulsive thoughts and feelings.  I am not trying to solve another's problems; rather, I am allowing myself the freedom to care and love in ways that don’t hurt me and can help them.  I am finding the ability to live my own life without excessive feelings of guilt or responsibility for others.

In a handout used in Al-Anon, a support group for people whose lives have become crazy because of codependence through the addiction of a loved one, it describes the process of detaching in this way:

"Detachment is based on the premise that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help.  We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off of other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead.  If people have created some disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music.  We allow people to be who they are.  We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow.  And we give ourselves that same freedom.  We live our own lives to the best of our ability.  We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change.  Then we stop trying to change things we can't...."

"Detachment involves 'present day living'--living in the here and now.  We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it.  We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future.  We make the most of each day."

"Detachment also involves accepting reality--the facts.  It requires faith--in ourselves, in a Higher Power, in other people, and in the natural order and destiny of things in this world.  We believe in the rightness and appropriateness of each moment.  We release our burdens and cares, and give ourselves the freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems.  We trust that all is well in spite of the conflicts.  We trust that Someone [or Something] greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening.  We understand that this Someone [or Something] can do much more to solve the problem than we can.  So we try to stay out of the way..."

If I can successfully detach, I will achieve the great reward of serenity.  Serenity allows me to experience peace, to be energized to give and receive love, and to figure out the real solutions to my problems. Serenity allows me to love and care in ways that help others and doesn't hurt me. My serenity can even motivate and liberate people around me to begin to solve their own problems as they pick up the slack and begin to worry about themselves.  Serenity helps me to mind my own business.

As I learn to detach, my challenge is to be mindful, to observe my thoughts and feelings.  I can gradually learn to recognize when I am reacting, when someone is trying to yank my chain and pull me into drama. Often, when I react by starting to feel sorry for myself, or feel worried, anxious, outraged, rejected, indignant, ashamed, or confused, that may be an indication that I have been snagged. It then is a matter of exercising a choice to determine how long I want to be snagged, and what I can do to extract myself from those reactionary feelings.  If I catch myself using the words "you made me feel...," that is symptomatic of reaction and unhealthy attachment.

As I learn to detach, I will learn to take care of myself and get to a physical and emotionally healing place.  If I find myself in the middle of drama or chaos, I can make the choice to extract myself from it until I can restore my sense of serenity.  Sometimes taking some deep breaths, going for a walk, exercising, cleaning something, or going to visit a friend, for example, allows me to physically and emotionally distance myself from the situation.  Taking care of myself helps me restore my neutrality, my balance.

As I learn to detach, I need to examine what snagged me.  If it is a minor incident, I may be able to sort it out myself.  If it is more serious, or seriously upsetting me, I may want to discuss it with a friend or a therapist, as a way to sort through it.  Troubles and feelings can spiral out of control so they need to be talked about and not stuffed.  But I need to take responsibility for whatever feelings I am experiencing, and tell the truth to myself about what happened.  Remember that nobody can make you feel; someone can influence you to feel a particular way, but you are doing all of the feeling.

Detachment does not mean resignation to the miserable way things have been or might be.  It certainly does not mean tolerating any kind of abuse.  It means that for the present moment, I acknowledge and accept my circumstances.  It means acknowledging myself and those around me, as I am and as they are.  It means I don't need to obsess anymore.  It means that only from that truthful, congruent place can I have the serenity and thus the ability to evaluate these circumstances, make appropriate changes, and solve my problems.  

        

Detaching is letting go by surrendering control.  When I attempt to control others, I am being controlled--by them, losing control of myself.  I can be controlled not only by people but by circumstances as well.  In that controlling place, I am losing my ability to think, feel, and act in my best interest, because control is an illusion.  I cannot control someone's compulsive behaviors; I cannot control someone's emotions; I cannot change their mind; I cannot control outcomes of events that occur; I cannot control life.

Others will do what they want to do, what is in their self-interest.  They will think how they want to think and feel how they want to feel.  People will change when they feel the need to, and will change only when they are ready.  It doesn't matter what they are doing to themselves; it doesn't matter that I could help them if they would only listen to or cooperate with me.  Even if controlling them could help them, they would resist my efforts and become defensive.  If they were to decide to please me and take my controlling help, they would turn their back when I wasn't involved and do the opposite.

Besides, if I control you, I make you dependent on me.  Such dependency can kill love because it is based upon emotional insecurity and need, and not on real love.  Insecure neediness smothers love and drives people away.  And if I feel unneeded, I become hurt, resentful, or even angry. Thus, my insecure neediness has given that person my power, and that person is controlling me.

So if you see yourself in a codependent role,  I challenge you to begin the process today to do something about it.  Begin to free yourself from the burden of obsessing, reacting, controlling, and neediness, by practicing detaching.  Begin to really notice what you are saying, doing, feeling.  Serenity and peace await you; it is all about you and your decision to mindfully notice yourself, and then to change.  Change is good!