Back in 1984, Tina Turner sang a song that was very popular, a song which people of my generation would certainly remember, titled "What's Love Got to Do With It?" Having been in a terribly abusive relationship earlier in her life and career, she knew first hand of what she was singing, and her sincerity came through, at least to me.
I have used the title to her song as a talking point in some of the couples work that I do. For love is a very vague word, especially in the English language where we use the word to connote so many different feelings and ideas.
In this posting, I want to talk about 'falling in love;" what really is happening, and with that clarity, discuss what can happen to that "love." These ideas are a synergy involving my own thoughts, peceptions, and ideas, along with those of Dr. Harville Hendrix, who among many other books wrote a landmark tome called "Getting The Love You Want."
Couples who "fall in love" have very good feelings at the beginning. They look for evidences that this person is the "one." Some phrases uttered during those blissful, exciting, times--above and beyond those you likely hear in the lyrics of pop and country music stations--are along the lines of:
- "I know we just met, but it's like I already know you."
- "It's weird, but even though we've been dating such a short time, I can't remember when I didn't know you."
- "Before we met, I felt like I was so all alone in the world. But now, it's like I found someone to share my world with."
- "I love you so much; I can't live without you."
Couples attempt to cling to this romantic love, trying to appear more emotionally healthy than they actually are. They see things that may not be what they want but they go into denial, or if they don't go there, they may see something in the partner that reminds them of a trait of a parent, negative or positive, and for some strange reason, it attracts them. Romantic love can be founded on ignorance and fantasy.
Inevitably, romantic love gives way to a realization, which starkly stated, goes along the lines of "what have I married?" Dr. Hendrix refers to this time as "the power struggle," summed up by the very well known line "I can't live with you, but I can't live without you!" Suddenly, it's not enough that their partner is clever, attractive to them, fun-loving, and affectionate. The reality sets in that the partner now has to satisfy a whole bunch of expectations, some conscious, but many sub-conscious, and hidden from their awareness. What is known is how things were done previously in life, or during childhood, There are expectations regarding domestic roles, along with other expectations, and there comes a realization that these expectations are not being met.
In this phase, an oft-repeated line is sadly offered to the partner: "why have you changed?" Usually, the partner hasn't changed. Those seemingly complimentary traits were likely covering up what really was happening. Hendrix believes that we project onto partners our unmet needs, usually from our childhood. And when we realize those needs are not going to be met by our partner, we can experience the awful realization that we are likely going to be wounded by our partner the same way we were wounded in our childhood. What often is not realized, writes Hendrix, is that the qualities we have begun to see are repressed qualities about ourselves that have been hidden from our view, or they are similar negative qualities of our parents.
What often happens at this juncture is that the partners try to rid themselves of the negative traits they see in themselves and project them onto their partners. Or in other words, "they look at their partners and criticize all the things they dislike and deny in themselves." By projecting onto their partners, theypurposely avoid looking at themselves, because doing so is very uncomfortable and scary. It's much easier to point a finger at the partner rather than at themselves.
So, to review, there are basically two reasons why we choose the partners that we do: 1) they possess both positive and negative qualities of the caregivers who raised us, and/or 2) they compensate for positive aspects of who we are that were cut off in childhood. We begin the relationship by assuming that our partner will become like a surrogate parent who will make up for what we didn't get as a child. We think that being connected with this person will heal us and will finally provide us with what we need in a close, long-term relationship.
When confronted with the realization that our plan is not working, it dawns on us that we have "fallen in love" but are not complete or whole. We fault our partner with deliberately ignoring our needs. We have assumed that they intuitively know exactly what we want, when and how we want it, but they are deliberately withholding it from us. This idea then causes us to be angry, and we begin to see the negative personality traits of our partner. We then make the problem worse by projecting our negative traits onto them. At this point, as the situation deteriorates, we become even more needy and we attempt to force our partner to satisfy our neediness by becoming unpleasant and irritable.
Both partners are searching for a way to become whole, and still believe that their significant other possesses the power to make them complete, but is withholding it. They begin to emotionally hurt each other or deny pleasure and intimacy with the hope that their partner will finally realize the error of their way and respond with warmth and love.
Not all relationships follow this arc, but many do, the result of unresolved stuff from their childhood and previous relationships. What did love have to do with it? It reminds of yet another song from 1972 by Roberta Flack called "Where Is the Love?"
So, to review, there are basically two reasons why we choose the partners that we do: 1) they possess both positive and negative qualities of the caregivers who raised us, and/or 2) they compensate for positive aspects of who we are that were cut off in childhood. We begin the relationship by assuming that our partner will become like a surrogate parent who will make up for what we didn't get as a child. We think that being connected with this person will heal us and will finally provide us with what we need in a close, long-term relationship.
When confronted with the realization that our plan is not working, it dawns on us that we have "fallen in love" but are not complete or whole. We fault our partner with deliberately ignoring our needs. We have assumed that they intuitively know exactly what we want, when and how we want it, but they are deliberately withholding it from us. This idea then causes us to be angry, and we begin to see the negative personality traits of our partner. We then make the problem worse by projecting our negative traits onto them. At this point, as the situation deteriorates, we become even more needy and we attempt to force our partner to satisfy our neediness by becoming unpleasant and irritable.
Both partners are searching for a way to become whole, and still believe that their significant other possesses the power to make them complete, but is withholding it. They begin to emotionally hurt each other or deny pleasure and intimacy with the hope that their partner will finally realize the error of their way and respond with warmth and love.
Not all relationships follow this arc, but many do, the result of unresolved stuff from their childhood and previous relationships. What did love have to do with it? It reminds of yet another song from 1972 by Roberta Flack called "Where Is the Love?"
