The Bait and Switch in Marriage?

"What happened to my wife? She used to be so affectionate before marriage! "This expression is often heard from husbands who wonder how their marital relationship could turn out so differently than they expected. One husband shared his experience as follows:

“Before we were married my wife was very into the idea of being intimate and was looking forward to it. You could tell that her drive was high. But after we got married -- like very shortly afterwards -- her drive disappeared. She swears that it's not me or my performance, but that it's just her. She says she just doesn't know what to do about it, and wants her sex drive to kick in again much like her desire to be a mother kicked in again after we had our first child.”

Another husband wrote:

I’ve been gypped. She pulled a bait and switch on me. My wife was so affectionate before marriage. Now she won’t even let me touch her. Our lovemaking happens only occasionally, and it’s very empty emotionally. Her body is there, but her heart isn’t. I feel deprived and neglected. I’m an easy-going guy, but my wife makes me feel like a sex maniac. I don’t know what’s wrong. It’s like she’s turned stone cold. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time and I never seem to get my needs met. Surely this isn’t how marriage is supposed to be. I always dreamed that intimate relations would be part of a healthy and happy marriage.

Marriage is a Surprise Grab Bag

It's true that marriage is a surprise grab bag. You can never really know what you’re going to get. Marriage, like life, is an adventure that has inevitable surprises, delights and some curve balls too.

This so-called "bait and switch" happens on both sides of the marriage relationship. He may feel gypped about the intimate or sexual aspects of marriage, but a wife may feel gypped about the disappearance of time, attention and non-sexual affection she used to get from her husband prior to marriage.

Specifically speaking of what often happens with women and this bait and switch in marriage, here are fivespecific areas for couples to address to shift their relationship: (1) Attention, (2) Affection, (3) Anticipation, (4) Reality, and (5) Education.

1. Attention. The time and attention a woman receives from her “boyfriend” prior to marriage really feeds her loving feelings, which makes her feel close and connected emotionally to her husband.

That emotional connection provides emotional foreplay that allows her to feel sexually attracted to her husband. When after marriage that time and attention diminishes, it is harder for a woman to feel as emotionally connected, which increases the difficulty of her having romantic feelings towards her spouse.

2. Affection. As a marriage and sex therapist, I hear it over and over (especially from wives) that once sex enters the marital relationship then affection seems to be kicked out the back door.

Affection--without strings attached--is so important in a relationship not only for women, but also for men. Both husbands and wives often find themselves “touch” deprived in marriage because they overlook the need to enjoy non-sexual touch and affection as a pleasure in its own right.

Showing the importance of affection to women, columnist Ann Landers asked women “would you be content to be held close and treated tenderly, and forget about the sex act?” More than 90,000 women responded and said "Yes!" Think about that. You can see how important the emotional and non-sexual niceties in marriage are to a woman.

So, men, keep up on the affection in marriage--especially without it leading to something else! This can help you both not only feel close and connected, but can also help women be more willing and able to move from physical and emotional closeness to sexual connection.

3. Anticipation. In marriage a woman’s sexual fire is fueled as much or more by the anticipation or build up of sexual excitement as the main event itself. Anticipation is a key component of a wife’s sexual wiring.

Prior to marriage women get to bask in the anticipation of sexual intimacy and those pre-sexual intimate feelings knowing that it can’t or won’t go any further.

So, in marriage when a couple can follow through on the physical act of lovemaking, and yet the emotional fuel has diminished, you can see how a husband might interpret the difference as a bait and switch in marriage.

4. Reality. When the realities of life begin to set in marriage it can have a dramatic effect on the intimate relationship. The anesthesia of premarital bliss tends to wear off a bit when there are bills to pay, dishes to do, and babies to tend to.

Those inevitable stressors of family life tend to increase the need for sexual intimacy in men, since lovemaking is a natural stress reliever.

But for women these stressors tend to dampen their desire for sexual intimacy, given that women often need to feel relaxed before they can tune into their desire for sexual connecting.

So, with new babies and the demands of little ones, the reality of sleep deprivation may be one of the leading culprits for young moms when it comes to diminished sexual feelings toward their spouse.

5. Education. The overriding issue for a lot of women in a bait and switch situation is that they are often unaware of what lovemaking and their God-given sexuality is really all about.

Given that there is so little positive affirmation of sex and sexuality (and so much negative) even within marriage, many wives have simply not identified themselves as sexual beings nor embraced their sexuality as good and of God.

This is where many couples will need the help of good books, like And They Were Not Ashamed--Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment, or even a good counselor that is versed in the intricacies of intimacy to help them see where they may be having some difficulties.

What To Do

While some may expect a wife's desire to just show up like one's mothering instincts, it's important to remember that a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship is a learned behavior for couples--grounded upon healthy understanding and healthy attitudes regarding male and female sexual wiring, as well as one’s own sexuality.

The key for those who may be facing a bait and switch situation in marriage is to talk with their spouse about these five issues and see where they may need to make some adjustments. These are just a few of the key issues that may be at play in this marital scenario.

This is an article written by Laura M. Brotherson and published in Meridian Magazine on March 27, 2012.

Believing in the Process

               

                It has been my experience that change is usually not a one-time event.  Whether it is international, national, organizational, familial or personal, change inevitably occurs over time.  It must be so because one-time events rarely have the powerful effect necessary to produce a course change.

                There are exceptions to my postulate.  When the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, the US changed its behavior immediately and declared war because the politicians realized that action needed to be taken quickly.  In the Bible, Paul was visited on the road to Damascus, and that heavenly apparition changed the course of his life from that moment on.  But frankly, such incidents are few and far between.  History is replete with examples of change that occurred over time—sometimes long periods of time.

                Leaving the subject of changes on a macro scale to others with more time and knowledge, I am focusing my thoughts on a micro scale, on changes that occur within individuals, or small groups of individuals, like partners/spouses or families.

                Many persons are content with their lives.  They like where they are physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially, educationally, religiously.  And even though there may be aspects of their lives they wish would change, those desires are really just that--wishes, and not really a deep internal need or feeling to change themselves or their environment.  Change can be challenging, it can be scary, it can be difficult, if for no other reason than that change requires time.  For wishful thinkers, that is too much of a personal investment.

                 Most of the time, people who come to me for psychotherapy are not satisfied with their current situation(s) and, ostensibly, want to change.  Some of the people like me that attend Sunday worship services or recovery meetings are looking to change who they are, although attending such meetings does not mean that someone is honestly looking to effect a change in their lives.  On a personal level, some of my family and friends and I are undertaking the process of attempting to change ourselves, in profound ways.  Thus, much in my life is involved in this process of changing, and so I give it significant thought.

                I have learned that in order for I or someone else to engage in the change process, we have to feel genuine discontentment in what we are, have or do, that whatever challenges that lie ahead are worth the discomfort.  To this end, with certain clients I will occasionally use a couplet I once heard regarding breaking free from addiction.  The couplet reads:

"When the pain of addiction is greater than the pain of recovery, a person will seek for and work on recovery.  But if the pain of recovery is greater than the pain of addiction, a person will stay in their addiction.”

In other words, I have to really dislike who or where I am currently to put myself through the difficult and usually protracted process of change.  And if that change is too daunting, I will continue to live with my current problem(s).  Obviously, this truth pertains to more than just moving past an addiction.

                Also, in order to continue in the process of change, a person needs to believe in the rightness of the journey they are on.  And if that involves a person or persons that are sharing or mentoring that process, they have to believe in them.  This is no easy thing to do for many people, because they may not be sure of the helpful person or their motives, or they have made themselves vulnerable in the past and have been hurt by that person or other persons.  In spiritual matters, a person needs to ultimately believe that God is willing and able to help them in the difficult change process and will not leave them alone.

                The process of change involves being open to people, to possibilities, to direction, to direction changes.  It usually involves reminding ourselves on a regular basis why we are putting ourselves through this.  It usually involves receiving positive feedback from people whom we have allowed to be acquainted with our journey, and to dig deep and give ourselves positive feedback. It involves keeping the goal in mind with our eyes single-mindedly focused on the prize.   It involves humbly admitting when we lose sight of the prize and lose our way, reviewing what happened, learning from it, and then commencing the journey again with new vigor and hope.  (Admittedly, the latter is particularly hard to do alone!)

                It involves being real with ourselves and not allowing ourselves to be caught in the trap articulated in the recent Lego Movie that “everything is awesome!”  It involves realizing the challenging nature of our journey but not being too harsh on ourselves. It involves recognizing and accepting the weariness that we sometimes might feel in our difficult process, and taking care of ourselves by being good to ourselves along the way.  It involves attempting to keep a sense of scope and a sense of humor for our journey.  If we are spiritually minded, it involves “letting go and letting God.”

                I know of what I speak, both clinically and first hand.  I personally am in transition, and it has not been easy.  Currently, I am embarking on preparing to take the test to finally become licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist, and the thought is indeed daunting for me.  I must continue to do what I tell others they should do. 

As I implement these strategies, I have experienced significant contentment and fulfillment.  I have felt satisfaction and increased faith in myself and my ability to meet and work through difficult challenges.  I have acquired greater understanding and new truths about myself and those around me.  I have developed greater empathy and compassion for my fellow travelers along the way.   I have learned to believe in the process!