Why It Can Be So Hard to Let Go

 

       
        Even when we know something is harming us and it will only get worse, it can still be a struggle to five it up.  What is the process of letting go and why are certain things so hard to give up?  Believing that we need a person, place, or thing in order to survive, to tolerate ourselves or our lives, or to be happy or have meaning, creates dependency.  Usually those needs begin when we are the most vulnerable.

        Take the example of a boy who suffers repeated physical abuse from an early age, and as a teenage, discovers heroin.  Not only does it magically remove all pain, it makes him feel transported to a state of bliss, comfort, and complete fulfillment.  

• In a family that is unable to bond or show affection or interest, a child is able to adopt a pet dog.  The dog allows her to feel more love than she ever imagined possible.  
• Consider a boy who has been a social outcast all of his life, who then begins a career as a drug dealer.  Suddenly, he has a surge of power, worth, and popularity.  
• The youngest sibling in a family of bullies, who is teased for being a baby, feels adult and mature when smoking cigarettes.  
• A girl who feels unloved at home and a failure at school discovers that boys want to be with her when she offers them sex.

        As in these examples, our attachment to something can start as a protection from pain that we don't know how to manage on our own.  We may not realize that we are dependent until we are threatened with the loss of our attachment.  Then we may not want to get out of bed; we may have panic attacks, or cry uncontrollably, or become aggressive or willing to go against our values and morals to hold on to what we feel we need.

        Even when we are not in a vulnerable, wounded place, we may try something and enjoy how it feels--smoking, shopping, eating sweets, or beginning a new friendship.  If the associations we attribute to these things are powerful or numerous, a dependency can develop.  Eating sweets can be associated with reward, pleasure, or giving to ourselves.  A new friend can be associated with greater comfort and acceptance of ourselves.  Shopping can be linked to lifting spirits.  Cigarettes can be a companion when talking on the phone and driving, thereby easing stress or fortifying us before a meeting, or as an additional pleasure after sex.

        Whenever we empower someone or something outside ourselves to being us positive feelings because we have limited knowledge of how to do this for ourselves, we build dependencies that can undermine self-esteem.  The more we invest in the outside for positive feelings, the less we invest in and believe in ourselves.  In these circumstances, when we lose what we feel we need, it seems as if we are losing ourselves.  Fear, anxiety, anger and depression are typical emotional reactions to this kind of letting go.

        If our dependencies become excessive and create significant problems, it is important to examine all dynamics underlying the dependency.  This includes pain, yearnings, positive and negative associations, identity, and self-esteem.  This process can involve finding support to heal pain and grieve.  We can discover what we wish to have more of or less of in ourselves and our lives, and how to do that.  We fully realize any negative elements and begin empowering ourselves through recognizing the positive within us.  We explore who we are with greater depth and clarity, ane make new associations that have healthier consequences.

From Grace Lost and Found by Mary Cook.

A New Model for Maturity

       In our childhood, dependent state, our safety, security, and happiness are irrevocably tied to our immediate social environment.  When this environment lacks the capacity to provide necessary physical and psychological functions for our well-being, we become wounded.

       The area of self or life that are not negatively impacted in childhood are free to evolve. We mature through a process of trial, error, exposure to new information, and training and modeling through a variety of people and experiences in our lives.  The wounded areas, however, generally remain in an immature state.  In the absence of healing, defenses arise to protect us partially from full awareness of present and future pain.  These defenses elimnate or reduce opportunities for growth.  As our social environments change and expand through life, our responses in these obstructed area remain static, until we develop the courage and desire to examine and change ourselves.

       The deepest and most enduring wounds usually occur in childhood.  Because a clear whole sense of identity has not yet formed, we see our child-selves prmarily as reactors and responders to others who have power over us.  Since thinking in these wounded areas remains static, we continue to over-empower others as the source of our safety, security, and happiness into adulthood.  This means that in every part of our selves and lives that hold unhealed wounds, we lack the personal awareness and responsibility necessary to experience mature health and happiness.  Furthermore, we believe that the problem lies either in others or in our lack of skill to change others so that they can take responsibility for our well-being.

       Thus we search for significant others to compensate and correct for previous painful experiences.  If we were abandoned as children, for example, this can translate into seeking a relationship with someone who never does or says anything we could perceive as a potential rejection.  They don't interact or speak with anyone that triggers our jealousy, insecurity, or sense of inferiority.  They cannot become angry with us or hurt us; they cannot withdraw affection or warmth without us feeling abandoned.  If we were abused as children, we may look for partners who are always kind, compassionate, sensitive, loving, and understanding. They must not raise their voices, become angry, critical, confrontational, controlling, impatient, intolerant, or argumentative, even for short periods of time, without us feeling endangered.

       These examples hopefully illustrate the impossibility of the "right partner" being the solution. To further complicate matters, as human beings, we are easily habituated to patterns of acting and thinking, and to attracting people who reflect our unresolved issues. Our patterns eventually become automatic and unconscious, to the point that we believe our current experiences confirm the past, even when no objective observer would validate this.

       We erroneously think that we need someone to gratify our needs today in such a magnified and perfect way that it eradicates the feeling of our past deprivation forevermore. This is unrealistic.  When we focus on what we missed and need, we reinforce and attract more experiences of missing and needing, rather than experiencing gratification.  The nature of habituation also means that we become attached to our specific problems and pain, and their resulting symptoms and defenses, and are reluctant to give them up.  We perceive them as an important part of our identities and even our survival strength.

       This accounts for us not believing, internalizing, and reinforcing positive experiences that can be a part of the healing process.  When we do obtain gratification for what we seek, we tend to dilute it with defenses rather than accept it with gratitude.  Because we are looking for a complete healing to come from others, we reject and resist anything short of this.  We focus on how the gratification hasn't lasted long enough yet, or likely isn't sincere. Or we set new, higher requirements for gratification.

       
       Healing and maturity doesn't come from others. They come from inside of us with the help of others. They come from allowing defensiveness to decrease, internalizing positive experiences, giving positive energy to ourselves and others, and processing and releasing past negativity.  Experiencing all of our feelings without clinging to them or fighting with them allows them to evolve.  

       The heart of our life journey is contained in the closed-off places within us.  Hidden behind every wound is a great gift waiting to be discovered.  If we think of the highest possible outcome of problems and tragedy, we get a glimpse of the power of spirituality and our soul's purpose.

       Our world is filled with examples of the worst possible outcomes.  Abuse breeds more abuse, more victims and perpetrators, more alienation, distrust, fear, and violence. Abandonment leads to depression, emptiness, enmeshment, manipulation, and worthlessness. Committing to recovery means we take the road of our highest purpose and set new models for maturity and fulfillment in all areas of our lives.


From Grace Lost and Found by Mary Cook.