Boundaries #5

I use the term boundary frequently in the recovery work that I do with those with addictive behaviors (most people have addictive behaviors!) and with their loved ones whose lives have been affected by those behaviors.  I use it to describe an action--setting a boundary--meaning an attempt to protect ourselves from something or someone.  When one establishes a boundary, what is being said is that he or she cannot use us, hurt us, or take what we have, whether those possessions are concrete or abstract. That person has decided to tell someone that they will no longer be abused or otherwise invaded or infringed upon in a particular way.  The person has decided to no longer allow someone to trample on them.  It is a line in the sand!

Boundaries are supposed to be taught by parents, but often parents did not have a sense of boundaries, or they lived lives behing emotional walls instead of boundaries.  They may have had boundaries but with holes in them, or they did not have consequences that put "teeth" into the boundaries.  Thus, the dysfunction can be multi-generational, and the dysfunction can powerfully distill to the present.  Inappropriate generational roles among extended family members, and inappropriate roles between one's family and other families, can also hurt boundary formation. 

Although some people are fortunate enough to emerge into adulthood knowing who they are, and what their rights are and aren't, many emerge into adulthood with damaged, scarred, or non-existent boundaries.  Those who saw them modeled well learned not to trespass on other people's territories and do not now allow others to invade theirs.  They have healthy boundaries and a solid sense of self.  But for others, boundaries are inconsistent, rarely or never attached to consequences, or are completely off their radar.

Having not learned or been taught about boundaries growing up, or having had family disregard any boundaries they may have attempted to have; a child will construct thick and high emotional walls to protect themselves from being hurt further.  Children may have weak or non-existent emotional boundaries if they felt emotionally or physically neglected or abandoned or weren't raised with appropriate discipline and limits.  Regretfully, some children are sometimes forced into inappropriate roles with those around them.

      Such children may not have developed a "self," an identity, or a healthy sense of self-esteem, because it is challenging for a "self" to form in a void, or when consistently disregarded.  As an adult, to protect themselves as a coping strategy, they may have used that emotional wall constructed in childhood.  It serves as a sort of protective castle, not allowing anybody to get in to hurt them, but also as a prison, not allowing them to emotionally get out.

Abuse, humiliation, or shame by a child's caregivers damages internal boundaries.  The damage does not necessarily have had to have been received in significant or memorable ways.  They can even be the result of a one-time put down, or a non-verbal glance or scowl.  All of these can result in an inability to have boundaries.  As an adult, they are vulnerable to invasion in many areas, until such time they increase in their self-esteem and can begin to create borders for themselves.

      How they connected with their primary caregivers determined how they presently connect with others as adults.  Their boundaries determine how they fit or bond with those around them.  

f     If a child had to take care of someone as a child who was supposed to be their caregiver, they may believe other people's thoughts, feelings, and problems are their responsibility.  If they lived with someone who encouraged them to be overly dependent on them as their caregiver, they may not have learned how to have a complete sense of self.  They may have entered into adulthood feeling like they were half of something, less than, or needed another person to be complete.  

 th  To personalize what is being discussed, if you as an adult often whine or complain or experience anger or rage toward another, these are clues that interpersonal boundaries need to be set.  The behavior of others you cannot stand, do not like, obsess about, or hate, are areas that may be crying out for boundaries.  The boundary process doesn’t mean an initial absence of feeling angry, whining, or complaining.  It means learning to listen closely to yourself to hear what you’re saying and feeling.  These things are indicators of problems, just like an “idiot light” on a car dashboard.  Your physical body can also tell you when a boundary is necessary.  You may need to get a little upset to motivate yourself to finally establish a boundary, but you don’t need to stay resentful to enforce it.

      Some people, especially loved ones, may get angry at you for setting boundaries, particularly if you’re changing an interpersonal “system” by establishing a boundary where you previously had none.  People especially become angry if you’ve been caretaking them, in one form or another, or allowing them to use or control you, and you decide it’s time to change the dynamic.  Boundaries are to take care of you, not to control others.  Often, the key to setting boundaries isn’t so much convincing other people you are serious and have limits—it’s convincing yourself to do whatever it takes.  

It is okay to say “no” or “no more.” But what you do needs to match what you say.  For example, if your boundary is to not allow your 7-year old to sleep in your bed, then rationalize or not reinforce it, it’s not a boundary, it’s a wish.  It doesn’t do any good to set a boundary unless you’re ready to enforce it, and that takes both energy and self-esteem.

As you enforce your boundary, to take care of you, your self-esteem will improve.  And as your self-esteem improves, your ability to enforce boundaries increases.  One of the best ways to increase our self-esteem is to have boundaries, and those boundaries will usually require consequences.

Again, enforcing boundaries means establishing consequences, and setting boundaries with consequences or ultimatums takes practice.  How severe is too severe?  How easy is too easy?  It may seem awkward or unnatural.  If possible, practice them in situations such as at work, other organizations, or with a salesperson, where the stakes are not as high as with family.  This may be virgin territory.  People who are used to having their own way with you may not like the new, assertive you.  So extend grace to yourself for feeling daunted or afraid, or if you fail to follow through.  You are at least attempting to change who you are or have been.  This is a skill set, a process, and it will develop with practice.  And part of that practice/rehearsal can even take place in front of a mirror!

Here are some examples of boundaries with consequences. This is giving others choices, but giving you choices as well.

• If there is someone who is very angry at you and have raised their voice, consider saying “You may not continue to yell at me.  If you choose to continue, I will choose the leave the room and end this discussion.  It’s up to you.”
•  If there is someone pressuring you to do something immediately and you don’t want to, say something like “I have a policy of not making snap decisions. (Or I need to consult with X)  I need some time to think.  If you need an immediate answer, it will be ‘no’.”
•  If you are facing criticism, you could modify this sentence to a specific situation by calmly stating “It is not okay with me for you to criticize me about my weight.  Please stop.  If you choose not to, this conversation is finished.”
•  If you feel overwhelmed with having too much to do, you can say “Although this is important to me, I can’t help you at this time.” You may choose to give a reason why, but you don’t need to.
• If you sense abuse is imminent, you could say something like the following “I do not feel safe right now and I need to take care of myself.  If you choose not to calm down right now, I will leave, or I'll take the kids and leave.” 

Signs and Symptoms of Unresolved Trauma

 

Signs and Symptoms of Unresolved Trauma

Even when memories of the trauma are hidden from a person's awareness, there are signs that will become noticeable in his or her daily life. Below are some of the most common signs that someone is suffering from unresolved trauma:

1. Anxiety or panic attacks that occur in what would be considered normal situations
2. A feeling of shame; an innate feeling that they are bad, worthless, or without importance
3. Suffering from chronic or ongoing depression
4. Practicing avoidance of people, places, or things that may be related to the traumatic event; this also can include an avoidance of unpleasant emotions
5. Flashbacks, nightmares, and body memories regarding the traumatic event
6. Addiction and eating disorders in an attempt to escape or numb negative emotions
7. Sleeping issues including trouble going to sleep or staying asleep
8. Suffering from feelings of detachment, or feeling "dead inside" (This is perhaps the most devastating of the signs, because it creates a feeling of loneliness and isolation.)
9. Dissociation as a real disconnect in situations and conversations
10. Hypervigilance (a constant feeling of being on guard)
11. Suicidal thought or actions
12. Uncontrollable anger; acting on it
13. Self-harm, cutting, and mutilation
14. Not being able to tolerate conflicts as they once would have
15. Unexplained or irrational fears of people, places, or things

As stated above, this is by no means an exhautive list.  It is not a matter of having all of these signs and symptoms.  Having unresolved trauma is not necessarily black and white but can one can be on a "spectrum" of trauma.  

Trauma needs to be unresolved in order for someone to have a healthier, enjoyable life.  Otherwise, it will haunt one's life and make interpersonal relationships difficult.

Self-Esteem-What is High and What is Low Self-Esteem 1

A book was written in 1994 called The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem." I chose to read it because I have found that high self-esteem and low self-esteem figure prominently in the counseling work that I do. I find that there are a couple of books that are extremely important for my clients to become acquainted with, such as Codependent No More and Boundaries, and have. referred clients to them, and I will be referring people to this book. I found it to be quite important for me personally and for those with whom I work. I thought it appropriate to include some of the ideas proposed by its author, Nathaniel Branden, on this professional blog. There were so many important concepts as I began to read it.  My posting is some of his profound ideas.

• "Self-esteem is defined as confidence in our ability to think, confidence is our ability to cope with the basic challenges of life, and confidence in our right to be successful and happy. [It is the feeling] of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve our values, and enjoy the fruits of our efforts."
• "To trust one's mind and to know that one is worthy of happiness is the essence of self-esteem."
• "It is directly affected by how we act...There is a continuous feedback loop between our actions in the world and our self-esteem. [Thus,] the level of our self-esteem influences how we act, and how we act influences the level of our self-esteem."
• 'If I trust my mind and judgment, I am more likely to operate as a thinking being. Exercising my ability to think, bringing appropriate awareness to my activities, my life works better."
• "With high self-esteem, I am more likely to persist in the face of difficulties. With low self-esteem, I am more likely to give up or go through the motions of trying without really giving my best."
• "If i respect myself and require that others deal with me respectfully, I send out signals and behave in ways that increase the likelihood that others will respond approriately...If I lack self-respect and consequently accept discourtesy, abuse, or exploitation from others as natural, I unconsciously transmit this, and some people will treat me at my self-estimate. When this happens, and I submit to it, my self-respect deteriorates still more."
• "Healthy self-esteem correlates with rationality, realism, intuitiveness, creativity, independence, flexibility, ability to manage change, willingness to admit (and correct) mistakes, benevolence, and cooperativeness.  Poor self-esteem correlates with irrationality, blindness to reality, rigidity, fear of the new and unfamiliar, inappropriate conformity or inappropriate rebelliousness, defensiveness, overcompliant or overcontrolling behavior, and fear of or hostility toward others."
• "High self-esteem seeks the challenge and stimulation of worthwhile and demanding goals. Reaching such goals nurtures good self-esteem. Low self-esteem seeks the safety of the familiar and undemanding.  Confining oneself to the familiar and undemanding serves to weaken self-esteem."
• "The more solid our self-esteem, the better equipped we are to cope with the troubles that arise in our personal lives or in our careers; the quicker we are to pick ourselves up after a fall, the more energy we have to begin anew. The higher our self-esteem, the more ambitious we tend to be, not necessarily in a career or financial sense, but in terms of what we hope to experience in life--emotionally, intellectually, creatively, spiritually. The lower our self-esteem, the less we aspire to and the less we are likely to achieve. Either path tends to be self-reinforcing and self-perpetuating."
• The higher our self-esteem, the stronger the drive to express ourselves, reflecting the sense of richness within, The lower our self-esteem, the more urgent the need to "prove" ourselves--or to forget ourselves by living mechanically and unconsciously."
• "The higher or self-esteem, the more open, honest, and appropriate our communications are likely to be, because we believe our thoughts have value and therefore we welcome rather than fear clarity. The lower our self-esteem, the more muddy, evasive, and inappropriate our communications are likely to be, because of uncertainty about our own thoughts and feelings and/or anxiety about the listener's response."
• "The higher our self-esteem, the more disposed we are to form nourishing rather than toxic relationships. The reason is that like drawn to like, health is attracted to health. (Note: for more about this concept as it relates to intimate relationships, please refer to my blog posting "The Level of Our Dysfunction" from October 11, 2014.)
• "Opposites may attract about some issues, but not about this one...We do not see a passionate love affair, for example, between persons at opposite ends of the self-esteem spectrum--just as we are not likely to see a passionate romance between intelligence and stupidity...Medium self-esteem individuals are typically attracted to medium-self esteem individuals. Low self-esteem seeks low self-esteem in others--not consciously, to be sure, but by the logic of that which leads us to feel we have encountered a "soul mate."  The most disastrous relationships are those between persons who think poorly of themselves; the union of two abysses does not produce height."
• "The healthier our self-esteem, the more inclined we are to treat others with respect, benevolence, goodwill, and fairness--since we do not tend to perceive them as a threat, and since self-respect is the foundation of respect for others. With healthy self-esteem, we are not quick to interpret relationships win malevolent, adversarial terms.  We do not approach encounters with automatic expectations of rejection, humiliation, treachery, or betrayal."
• "Research discloses that high self-esteem is one of the best predictors of personal happiness. Logically enough, low self-esteem correlates with unhappiness."

LOVE

• "If I experience myself as lovable, then I have a foundation for appreciating and loving others. The relationship of love feels natural; benevolence and caring feel natural. I have somthing to give; I am not trapped in feelings of deficiency; I have a kind of emotional "surplus" that I can channel into loving. And happiness does not make me anxious. But if I lack respect for and enjoyment of who I am, I have very little to give--except my unfulfilled needs. In my emotional impoverishment, I tend to see other people essentially as sources of approval or disapproval. I see only what they can or cannot do for me. I am looking for people who will not condemn me--and perhaps will be impressed by my persona, the face I present to the world."
• "We have all heard the observation, 'If you do not love yourself, you will be unable to love others.'  Less well understood is the other half of the story: if I do not feel lovable, it is very difficult to believe that anyone else loves me. If I do not accept myself, how can I accept your love for me? Your warmth and devotion are confusing; it confounds my self-concept, since I 'know' I am not lovable.Your feeling for me cannot possibly be real, reliable, or lasting. If I do not feel lovable, your love for me becomes an effort to fill a sieve...."
• "I attempt love but the foundation of inner security is not there. Instead there is a secret fear that I am destined only for pain. So I pick someone who inevitably will reject or abandon me. Or, if I pick someone with whom happiness might be possible, I subvert the relationship by demanding excessive reassurances, by venting irrational possessiveness, by making catastrophies of small frictions, by seeking to control through subservience or domination, by finding ways to reject my partner before my partner can reject me."
• "What is required for many of us, paradoxical though it may sound, is the courage to tolerate happiness without self-sabotage until such time as we lose the fear of it and realize that it will not destroy us (and need not disappear). One day at a time, See if you can get through today without doing anything to undermine or subvert your good feelings--and if you 'fall off the wagon,' don't despair, pull yourself back and recommit yourself to happiness.  Such perserverance is self-esteem building." 

FANOS--An Opportunity for Emotional Connection

FANOS

In spousal-type relationships, there are two types of intimacy: physical and emotional.  Physical intimacy takes place when two people feel a sexual attraction to each other and seek to explore that with their physical bodies.  Acting on this physical connection is an important "glue" for most couples seeking to spend time together.  It is a challenge to use this glue in meaningful and thoughtful ways throughout a relationship.

What often is the greater challenge of couple relationships, however, is to experience emotional connection, that feeling of honoring each other, that we are  afe with each other, that I understand you and you understand me, and that each of us has wants and needs that are equally valid.  Without emotional connection, whether it be through selfishness or ego, addiction, dissatisfaction, or any number of reasons, it can get in the way of a couple experiencing a fulness of joy.

I have found a tool that has helped many couples reestablish emotional connection, or start the journey of finding, establishing, and nurturing that sweet connection.  It helps to build emotional intimacy ('in-to-me-you-see") that creates that connection.  The tool is known by an acronym--FANOS.  This is a couples emotional check-in using subjects based upon these letters:

• F eelings
• A ffirmations
• N eeds
• O wnership
• S truggles

Both partners need to be willing to do this emotional exercise.  They need to be invested in the relationship and be willing to be as vulnerable as they possibly can be, which may be scary as a couple begins using it.  Vulnerability can be challenging for one or both partners, if for no other reason than that they have felt hurt by their partner.  But this intimacy experiment can only work if both are willing to put themselves out there and take the risk.  As couples become more vulnerable, they can become more able to empathize, and empathy is a basic food for relationships to work and flourish.

I have found that the following 10 Step Strategy seems to work best, at least in the beginning of doing the FANOS exercise:

HOW TO FANOS

1. A couple decides ahead of time (ideally) upon 30 to 90 minutes, hopefully when there can be few interruptions (particularly children).  Think of it as an investment in your relationship.
2. At the appointed time, each asks the other if they are in a place where they can focus on each other.  If responses are positive, the sharing begins.
3. One of the couples shares with their partner 3-5 feelings they are currently experiencing.  These feelings can be about the speaker (his/her own emotional or physical state) or about those of the receiver.  If it about the receiver, it must needs be sent in an "I-message."
4. After the speaker is finished, the receiver then states verbatim or paraphrases what their partner has just said.  The idea for this is so that the listener must offer their full attention without thinking of a response (defeats the purpose).  Often, it's a good idea for the listener to ask the speaker, "did I get everything?" or "did I get it right?" (Note: the listener does not respond to what has been said, not matter what.)  The listener needs to listen, not rebut!
5. The speaker then becomes the listener and the listener becomes the speaker, and follows steps 3-4.  The new listener then repeats what the new speaker just said.
6. The listener then reverts back to being the speaker, and the speaker moves on to affirmations.  These ought to be 2-4 activities or attributes that they speaker admires or affirms in their partner.  It can be what the speaker admires in the listener's interactions with others, particularly children, or it can be in the interactions with the speaker, or just about anything!  After the speaker is finished, the listener repeats what was heard.
7. The speaker then becomes the listener and the listener becomes the speaker, and follows step 6.  You get the idea!
8. The next step is what the speaker needs.  These 3-5 needs can be what the speaker needs in general for one's wellbeing, or it can be what the speaker needs from the listener.  If it is the latter, it should also be stated in an "I-message."  The listener repeats what was heard and then they switch.
9. The next step is ownership.  These are usually 2-4 feelings or behaviors that the speaker knows is a personal weakness or shortcoming.  Again, it can be about his/her life in general or it can be about less- than-stellar interactions with the listener.  They own the problem.  The listener repeats and then they switch.
10. The last step in struggle.  This is to share the real difficulty that the speaker is experiencing being his/her best self.  Generally, this is usually 1-3 struggles.  If one or the other is struggling with some kind of addiction, the S of struggle can also stand for sobriety, and it can be a check-in with the partner as to how they are doing in sobriety and recovery.  Of course the listener repeats then switches again.

FANOS EXAMPLES

Feelings  (With all FANOS examples, there is usually more to be said than just the introductory line)

• "I am really feeling overwhelmed at work...."
• "The children have really been fighting a lot, and I find myself getting angry with them." 
• "I felt upset when you didn't come home until late last night."
• "I have been feeling underappreciated this past week."
• "I often feel fear about whether you are taking recovery seriously."
• "I have been feeling nauseated the past 24 hours and I don't know why."
• "Having your mom here is bringing up feelings of resentment in me."
• "I am feeling appreciation for how you have been paying extra attention to me recently."
• "I enjoyed our date last weekend."
• "I am feeling sad that we just can't seem to connect these days."

Notes about sharing feelings: 1) nobody can make us feel anything so don't say that; a person can act or react negatively towards us, but we are agents and can choose how we respond, 2) feelings aren't facts, they're just feelings, 3) eliminate as much "you" as possible as you share feelings and use "I" more often.

Notes about interactions between each another: 1) if the listener feels the need to get more information, he/she can request it,  2) while the listener may disagree with what the speaker has just said, the listener is to faithfully repeat what has just been heard, 3) try to be present for your partner in order to review with them what they just said, 4) ultimately, one of the major purposes of FANOS is the opportunity to be heard by your partner.

Affirmations

• "You have been extra nice the past few days.  Thank you."
• "I can tell you're making an effort to spend more time with the kids."
• "I appreciate the effort you make each day to give me encouragement."
• "You did a great job cleaning out the garage on Saturday."
• "I really like those new pants you bought last week."
• "I find that I am enjoying spending more time with you."
• "I want to acknowledge and thank you for putting the dishes in the dishwasher."
• "I appreciated the delicious dinner you made last Sunday."
• "You were really present with the kids yesterday."
• "You are doing a real great job with the garden."

Needs   there is usually more to be said than just an introductory line)

• "I need recognition from my boss that I chose to work extra all last week to finish a project."
• "I need for you to be honest with me."
• "I feel the need to stop walking on eggshells around your parents."
• "I need to have fewer salads at dinner."
• "I need to feel appreciated more often."
• "I need to have a discussion about our sexual intimacy in the near future."
• "I need help keeping the house clean because I am feeling overwhelmed these days."
• "I feel like we're drowning in debt and I need for us to set up a time when we can discuss my anxiety."
• "I need some time away to process some things."
• "I want us to be more connected, and I want/need us to FANOS each week."

Ownership

• "I take ownership over my financial issues with spending."
• "It has become very apparent to me that I have an anger problem."
• "I own that I am having a real difficult time not checking your phone."
• "I own that I have grown tired of failing over and over again."
• "I own that I am easily triggered when I perceive you being critical of my house work."
• "I am constantly reminded of my shortcomings as a mother."
• "I own that my ego gets in the way of our relationship."
• "I own that I sometimes take what you do for granted."
• "I own that I feel like I am being attacked by you when that is not your motivation."
• "I take ownership that I become very codependent with the kids."

Struggle  (or Sobriety, if in addiction recovery)

• "It's really hard to not feel completely overwhelmed by our bad financial situation."
• "I struggle with my feelings of inadequacy at work."
• "I struggle to not have intrusive suicidal thoughts."
• "It is clearly a struggle for me to not play the victim in our relationship."
• "I have reached 60 days of sobriety, but it's really hard some days."
• "I struggle to not go on the defensive in our conversations."
• "It's really hard these days for me to give up my dream of a home."
• "I struggle to find motivation to do things these days that I used to enjoy doing before."
• "I struggle to make time to exercise and do other things to take care of myself."
• "I struggle to be present in the moment and not to be anxious about the future."

FANOS is an emotional exercise that can be done regularly.  Usually, in the beginning, I recommend that the couple set aside a fixed day and time (or more than one day or time) each week and that they keep that time sacred for this dialogue.  FANOS really is an opportunity for emotional connection!

Relationship Conflict--Fighting Over the Same Things?

Often in relationships and marriages we can find ourselves having the exact same heated conversation again and again. It’s as if we think the more we fight about something the more our chances of finding answers- instead we end up exhausted and cut off from the very person we want to feel close to. What do we do when we have a repetitive conflict on repeat in our relationship? Well, it’s more a case of what we need to not do.

The Wall of Words

                Once relationship conflict starts it can be like floodgates have opened, as we talk over each other, interrupt, and spar to get our arguments in. But there is no timer on countdown, so what’s the hurry? Slow down and do that one magical thing we all tend to forget about when we enter the conflict zone- listen.

                And really listen, not just with half of your brain as the other half manically plots what you are going to say next. Try repeating what they are saying in your head, putting all your focus on your partner. You’ll be amazed at how much they might open up to you given the gift of your undivided attention. When they have said what they need to say, instead of jumping in right away, consider trying a beat of silence. It gives everyone a chance to collect themselves and breathe, and sometimes a moment of quiet while looking into each other eyes can communicate more than a wall of words ever could.

The Past

                We’ve all done it- caught up in a relationship conflict and sensing we’re losing, we go for the kill by bringing in another similar ‘crime’ our partner has committed in the past. If we are upset they didn’t congratulate us on a recent win at work, we bring up a time a year ago they didn’t seem to care about a promotion. We can do this every time we fight about something, creating a giant snowball effect until what was really just a niggle becomes a massive issue spanning our entire relationship.

                If there’s one thing we all have in common, it’s that none of us can change the past. So bringing up old disagreements during a fight simply makes your partner feel trapped and helpless. Drop what’s been and gone and try focusing on the present issue causing your relationship conflict. It’s the only one you do have the power to change.

Don’t bring other people into the conflict either. It makes your partner feel ganged up on and isn’t fair on them, or the third other party who you are speaking on behalf of.

Invented Intentions

                When we have spent a substantial amount of our lives with someone, we can assume we know them so well we forget that they are another person with a mind of their own. And one of the main things we assume is that we know the other person’s intentions. We assume they want to discuss money with us because they think we need to work harder, or that they want to fight about the kids because they don’t think we are being strict enough.

                The truth is that most of us don’t have such clear intentions, and the intentions we do have tend to be about ourselves, not others. Drop inventing intentions for other people, because you can’t possibly know what they themselves are still figuring out and because it’s a one way road to relationship conflict.

                And if you force intentions on someone, you also force them into a corner! Stay open to positive outcomes instead- perhaps your partner wants to talk about the kids because he doesn’t feel he’s doing enough, or he wants to discuss money because he secretly wants to downsize.

The Blame Game

                A relationship can only work if its about mutual responsibility. Blame is instead about being right or wrong, which means one person wins, and the other loses. Do you really want your partner to feel like a loser? Is that ever going to lead to greater trust and understanding between you? Or just to endless relationship conflict?

                Life is a perspective, anyway- we all see things in different ways. If you are standing facing a statue, and someone else is standing behind a statue, is it really worth your effort to yell at them for hours for not seeing the nose that you see? Stop wasting precious energy deciding what is true and focus on what is important, which is how you can resolve your relationship conflict in a way that works for both of you.

                And if you hear yourself throwing around the word ‘wrong’, you can be sure you’ve gone back to the Blame Game. Stop, take a deep breath, and start again from a kinder place.

 Treating Feelings as Gospel

                Feelings are invaluable markers for where we need to examine what is and isn’t working for us in life, and in a therapeutic setting, feelings are important things to explore. What’s so great about feelings is that they are flexible and within your power to change and control. The trouble is that when it comes to relationship conflict we can suddenly wield those very same feelings as completely inflexible ‘facts’ and act as if we don’t have any control of them at all. Suddenly we are unhappy, it’s all their fault, and it’s never going to change.

                Feelings are not gospel, and they are not someone else’s responsibility. In the middle of a relationship conflict with your partner accept that you are a mess of feelings that you will need to deal with yourself later, admit those feelings aren’t facts, then aim to get beneath the feelings to what the issue really is and how you can fix it.

Accusatory Phrases

                There are some words that have no place in a useful discussion- and they are words that are exaggerations or judgments. ‘Always’ and ‘Never’ are two such words. They serve as blocks, not giving others any room to negotiate or change. And they usually come after the word ‘you’. When two people are having a relationship conflict ‘you’ statements come across as blame- ‘you always get so angry’, ‘you never listen to me’. If you hear yourself doing this, stop and rephrase your words to an ‘I’ statement that is exaggeration free: “I feel that you often get angry.’ ‘I feel that I’m not being listened to very much these days’.

                ‘Why’ is another word that just serves to make another person feel they are being accused and judged. Try questions that begin with ‘What’ and ‘How’ instead, they are more open-ended. “What could we do to stop you from spending all of the household budget by mid week” or “How could we make our budget last longer” sounds a lot more useful then “Why do you spend our household budget too fast every single week”.

Forgiveness

                Really? Drop forgiveness? Well, yes--from the conflict, not the relationship. Forgiveness is essential between two people who love each other, but when we are in the middle of a heated conflict saying ‘fine, I forgive you’ is rarely how we really feel, and is often said in way to make the other person feel little. It’s ‘false forgiveness’, and comes across as, ‘you are wrong and I am right, therefore from my position of superiority, I bequeath forgiveness on you.’ Not great, is it? Save forgiveness for later, when you are both calm and feeling more understanding.

                And while you are at it, drop the sidekick of false forgiveness- punishment. If you find yourself saying things to your partner that sound like something you’d say to a naughty child, you’ve gone into punishment mode. “Well then I am not going to cook for you for the rest of the week” or “If that’s the case you can go to the event by yourself” are examples of punishing your partner. Most of the time when we go into punishing mode we are the ones who end up losing out, sabotaging something we actually enjoy in our effort to deny the other of something.

Pointlessness

                Conflict in relationships is an opportunity for growth. When you’re able to resolve relationship conflict it builds trust and security. So don’t bring an energy of defeat and pointlessness to a conversation, bring an attitude of hope and an interest in strengthening what you have instead.

Reprinted from Harley Therapy Blog, October 17, 2013

The Drama Triangle 2.0

          Based on the work of Dr. Stephan B. Karpman, the Drama Triangle is a simple but powerfully accurate instrument to help people recognize when they are living with unhealthy behaviors and undefined boundaries. Learning about it is often a revealing experience for people because they are able to identify how their lack of healthy boundaries affects their relationships and interactions with others.

          The principal premise of the Drama Triangle instrument is that people often assume specific roles in their lives that produce drama.  The purpose of understanding the Drama Triangle is for you to recognize the roles that produce drama in your life and the lives of those around you, and then to remove yourself from those roles, unless you want to live a boundary-less, drama-filled life.

          People assume roles in the drama for various reasons.  They can give themselves the appearance of being in control.  They can manipulate those around them.  They can convince their egos that they are helping others.  They can allow themselves to stay stuck in a situation.  Ultimately, they gradually rely on the roles to the extent that the roles become a way of life—a life full of drama.

          People can assume these roles without consciously intending to control or manipulate, but it is usually intentional.  Individuals who struggle with addictive behaviors are such people. But they will, at last, draw others into their drama in the role(s) to get their needs met.  Such persons will usually control and manipulate because they have not learned more appropriate, non-destructive ways to get their own needs met. 

VICTIM

          Victims believe they need someone to think for them, take care of them, and solve problems for them.  They act powerless and incapable.  They feel picked on and play a martyr role.  They lack accountability to themselves.  They think they are not good enough.

          You can find Victims around people in the Persecutor role who consistently demean them, criticize them, or nag them.  Persecutors need someone to victimize, and Victims allow them to do it because they have underlying boundary problems and feel powerless.

          You can find Victims around people in the Rescuer role who, because of their ego, feel they must save the Victim from themselves because the Rescuer sees them as less than.  These Victims feel justified in their role, and can go so far as to “prove” that they need help, they need to be rescued.  If they can appear fragile and incapable, they can get others to take care of them.  Just as Victims need Rescuers, Rescuers need Victims; they allow them to function.

          The following statements describe what some Victims consciously or subconsciously tell themselves:

“I hold in my anger until I am ready to explode.”

“I feel alone in the world.”

“I feel like my life is hopeless.”

“I have a fear of being abandoned or alone.”

“When people try to help me, I think of reasons why it won’t work.”

“I have more problems than my friends.”

“I resent others’ success and happiness.”

“I often feel unwilling or unable to handle difficulties, to deal with life.”

“I feel no one understands me.”

“I act the role of martyr to get what I want.”

“I feel that I can never please my partner.”

“I find it difficult to speak up and assert myself.”

“I feel picked on.”

“I constantly tell myself that I’m ‘not doing it right.’”

“I often whine and complain about the way things are.”

          Eventually, Victims become resentful of their Persecutors and/or Rescuers.  They resent their “one-down” position, the vertical nature of the relationship.  This can motivate the Victim to also become a Persecutor or a Rescuer for a time. This can occur over time, within a conversation, or even in a matter of seconds.

          Often when Victims move into the Persecutor role, it is out of their resentment and frustration. Their small egos force them to take the offensive and stand up for themselves by making the Persecutor the Victim.  Victims will occasionally do something stupid or aggressive to get back at their Persecutor.  An extreme case of role reversal with a Victim and Persecutor is when the Victim threatens or attempts suicide as punishment. A Victim can become a Rescuer with the intent of becoming a Victim again, or become a Persecutor by helping someone out then complain or gossip about them.  It’s very easy to play the martyr role.

RESCUERS

            They define themselves by their behavior as fixers, helpers, and caretakers, and are often proud of their “one-up” position.  They believe in the idea of taking care of people and see themselves as providing a service for the Victims.  There are three problems with these “acts of service”: 1) their motivation for helping is often about their own anxiety, their own need to help, their need to see themselves as valuable, rather than the actual needs of the person they are helping, 2) they disable the Victim by making them dependent on them and doing what the Victim should be doing for themselves, and 3) they enable the Victim because their help allows the Victim to stay in Victim mode rather than dealing with their unhealthy behavior. 

          If Rescuers deceive themselves by thinking that the Victim will not make it without them, the Rescuer feels justified in their role.  But underneath that self-deceit is a genuine fear that the Victim will abandon them.  To prevent that, a Rescuer will do all within their power to make themselves indispensible to their Victim.  They position themselves in a “one-up” place and the Victims in a “one-down” place so as to affirm to their egos that they are better then, stronger than, smarter than, or simply more together than their Victims.

          Being a Rescuer is all about needing and exercising control.  They feel a sense of power over others by being so helpful and saintly.  Rather than face their own insecurities and fears, they distract themselves by paying more attention to others and putting others’ needs first.  Absurdly, this is also a Victim role.

            The following statements are what some Rescuers may consciously or subconsciously tell themselves:

          “I try to help people even when they tell me they don’t need my help.”

          “I feel compelled to help others with their problems.”

          “I feel guilty if I don’t take care of everyone’s problems.”

          “I like the feeling of having people depend on me.”

          “I get offended if people don’t realize how much I’ve done for them.”

          “I feel guilty if I say ‘no’ when someone asks me to volunteer for something.”

          “I take on the burdens and responsibilities of others.”

          “I am in an unhealthy situation with someone who has an addiction.”

          “I tolerate too much.”

          “I feel unappreciated when I give and give and receive little in return.”

          “I don’t confront others about their problems but instead continue to help them.”

          “I feel like my needs are not as important as others’ needs.”

          “I help others keep secrets.”

          “I put everyone else’s needs before my own.”

          As you likely have noticed from these statements, Rescuers are really trying to meet their own needs under the guise of helping others.   Their unmet needs surface in the need to control, to feel valued, to feel power in their “one-up” position.  They have convinced themselves of their good intentions, but in the end, it is really about them. As stated previously, Victims need Rescuers and Rescuers need Victims.

          As you also may have noticed above, Rescuers can position themselves as Victims or Persecutors.  They become resentful if not fully appreciated because they are doing so much for the Victim, or they may withdraw their caretaking, become hostile, or use the “silent treatment” as a form of punishment.

PERSECUTOR

          Just as the Rescuer looks for someone to fix, Persecutors constantly look for someone to blame for his or her problems.  They deny that they have issues.  They avoid taking personal responsibility by focusing on the weaknesses or problems of others.  In addition, Persecutors attempt to avoid uncomfortable issues and feelings in their own lives by projecting that anxiety onto others by making offensive, sarcastic, or blunt remarks about them.  They often spend time around people whom they feel justified in criticizing.

          Persecutors usually feel a sense of power over others, and are adept at covering up their irresponsible behavior by lecturing, preaching, criticizing, or ridiculing.  Because of their inner anxieties, they are known for their bad tempers and demeaning others.  This gives them a sense of control over others because others will not usually dare to confront them about their behaviors.

          The following statements describe what some Persecutors may tell themselves consciously or subconsciously:

          “I often blame others for my problems.”

          “I lecture or interrogate my spouse, children, and others about their problems.”

          “I verbally attack others.”

          “I often demonstrate passive-aggressive behavior.”

          “I frequently make sarcastic or biting remarks.”

          “I shame others for their mistakes.”

          “I demand the respect of those around me, particularly family members.”

          “I relentlessly tease others.”

          “I am very critical of those around me.”

          “I like to feel a sense of power over others.”

          “I often act like I don’t care.”

          “I am known for being blunt.”

          “I make the rules in my family or workplace."

          “I patronize others when they tell me their frustrations.”

          If a Persecutor feels that he or she is losing control and dominance, being in the “one-up” position, they might move into a Victim role as a way to justify their behavior and manipulate.  This can occur over a period of time, within a conversation, or even within seconds; it's all part of their drama.  Because Persecutors need Victims, and Victims need Prosecutors.

          Like all within the Drama Triangle, Persecutors, Rescuers, and Victims can be clueless that they are in it. It takes introspection, mindfulness, and courage to admit they have a problem.  It takes recognizing drama roles and not being drawn into them.  It takes getting their needs met without manipulating others.  It takes learning what codependence is and learning to establish boundaries with consequences.  It is less about occasional dysfunctional moments and more about not allowing the Drama Triangle to become a way of life!