The Drama Triangle 2.0

          Based on the work of Dr. Stephan B. Karpman, the Drama Triangle is a simple but powerfully accurate instrument to help people recognize when they are living with unhealthy behaviors and undefined boundaries. Learning about it is often a revealing experience for people because they are able to identify how their lack of healthy boundaries affects their relationships and interactions with others.

          The principal premise of the Drama Triangle instrument is that people often assume specific roles in their lives that produce drama.  The purpose of understanding the Drama Triangle is for you to recognize the roles that produce drama in your life and the lives of those around you, and then to remove yourself from those roles, unless you want to live a boundary-less, drama-filled life.

          People assume roles in the drama for various reasons.  They can give themselves the appearance of being in control.  They can manipulate those around them.  They can convince their egos that they are helping others.  They can allow themselves to stay stuck in a situation.  Ultimately, they gradually rely on the roles to the extent that the roles become a way of life—a life full of drama.

          People can assume these roles without consciously intending to control or manipulate, but it is usually intentional.  Individuals who struggle with addictive behaviors are such people. But they will, at last, draw others into their drama in the role(s) to get their needs met.  Such persons will usually control and manipulate because they have not learned more appropriate, non-destructive ways to get their own needs met. 

VICTIM

          Victims believe they need someone to think for them, take care of them, and solve problems for them.  They act powerless and incapable.  They feel picked on and play a martyr role.  They lack accountability to themselves.  They think they are not good enough.

          You can find Victims around people in the Persecutor role who consistently demean them, criticize them, or nag them.  Persecutors need someone to victimize, and Victims allow them to do it because they have underlying boundary problems and feel powerless.

          You can find Victims around people in the Rescuer role who, because of their ego, feel they must save the Victim from themselves because the Rescuer sees them as less than.  These Victims feel justified in their role, and can go so far as to “prove” that they need help, they need to be rescued.  If they can appear fragile and incapable, they can get others to take care of them.  Just as Victims need Rescuers, Rescuers need Victims; they allow them to function.

          The following statements describe what some Victims consciously or subconsciously tell themselves:

“I hold in my anger until I am ready to explode.”

“I feel alone in the world.”

“I feel like my life is hopeless.”

“I have a fear of being abandoned or alone.”

“When people try to help me, I think of reasons why it won’t work.”

“I have more problems than my friends.”

“I resent others’ success and happiness.”

“I often feel unwilling or unable to handle difficulties, to deal with life.”

“I feel no one understands me.”

“I act the role of martyr to get what I want.”

“I feel that I can never please my partner.”

“I find it difficult to speak up and assert myself.”

“I feel picked on.”

“I constantly tell myself that I’m ‘not doing it right.’”

“I often whine and complain about the way things are.”

          Eventually, Victims become resentful of their Persecutors and/or Rescuers.  They resent their “one-down” position, the vertical nature of the relationship.  This can motivate the Victim to also become a Persecutor or a Rescuer for a time. This can occur over time, within a conversation, or even in a matter of seconds.

          Often when Victims move into the Persecutor role, it is out of their resentment and frustration. Their small egos force them to take the offensive and stand up for themselves by making the Persecutor the Victim.  Victims will occasionally do something stupid or aggressive to get back at their Persecutor.  An extreme case of role reversal with a Victim and Persecutor is when the Victim threatens or attempts suicide as punishment. A Victim can become a Rescuer with the intent of becoming a Victim again, or become a Persecutor by helping someone out then complain or gossip about them.  It’s very easy to play the martyr role.

RESCUERS

            They define themselves by their behavior as fixers, helpers, and caretakers, and are often proud of their “one-up” position.  They believe in the idea of taking care of people and see themselves as providing a service for the Victims.  There are three problems with these “acts of service”: 1) their motivation for helping is often about their own anxiety, their own need to help, their need to see themselves as valuable, rather than the actual needs of the person they are helping, 2) they disable the Victim by making them dependent on them and doing what the Victim should be doing for themselves, and 3) they enable the Victim because their help allows the Victim to stay in Victim mode rather than dealing with their unhealthy behavior. 

          If Rescuers deceive themselves by thinking that the Victim will not make it without them, the Rescuer feels justified in their role.  But underneath that self-deceit is a genuine fear that the Victim will abandon them.  To prevent that, a Rescuer will do all within their power to make themselves indispensible to their Victim.  They position themselves in a “one-up” place and the Victims in a “one-down” place so as to affirm to their egos that they are better then, stronger than, smarter than, or simply more together than their Victims.

          Being a Rescuer is all about needing and exercising control.  They feel a sense of power over others by being so helpful and saintly.  Rather than face their own insecurities and fears, they distract themselves by paying more attention to others and putting others’ needs first.  Absurdly, this is also a Victim role.

            The following statements are what some Rescuers may consciously or subconsciously tell themselves:

          “I try to help people even when they tell me they don’t need my help.”

          “I feel compelled to help others with their problems.”

          “I feel guilty if I don’t take care of everyone’s problems.”

          “I like the feeling of having people depend on me.”

          “I get offended if people don’t realize how much I’ve done for them.”

          “I feel guilty if I say ‘no’ when someone asks me to volunteer for something.”

          “I take on the burdens and responsibilities of others.”

          “I am in an unhealthy situation with someone who has an addiction.”

          “I tolerate too much.”

          “I feel unappreciated when I give and give and receive little in return.”

          “I don’t confront others about their problems but instead continue to help them.”

          “I feel like my needs are not as important as others’ needs.”

          “I help others keep secrets.”

          “I put everyone else’s needs before my own.”

          As you likely have noticed from these statements, Rescuers are really trying to meet their own needs under the guise of helping others.   Their unmet needs surface in the need to control, to feel valued, to feel power in their “one-up” position.  They have convinced themselves of their good intentions, but in the end, it is really about them. As stated previously, Victims need Rescuers and Rescuers need Victims.

          As you also may have noticed above, Rescuers can position themselves as Victims or Persecutors.  They become resentful if not fully appreciated because they are doing so much for the Victim, or they may withdraw their caretaking, become hostile, or use the “silent treatment” as a form of punishment.

PERSECUTOR

          Just as the Rescuer looks for someone to fix, Persecutors constantly look for someone to blame for his or her problems.  They deny that they have issues.  They avoid taking personal responsibility by focusing on the weaknesses or problems of others.  In addition, Persecutors attempt to avoid uncomfortable issues and feelings in their own lives by projecting that anxiety onto others by making offensive, sarcastic, or blunt remarks about them.  They often spend time around people whom they feel justified in criticizing.

          Persecutors usually feel a sense of power over others, and are adept at covering up their irresponsible behavior by lecturing, preaching, criticizing, or ridiculing.  Because of their inner anxieties, they are known for their bad tempers and demeaning others.  This gives them a sense of control over others because others will not usually dare to confront them about their behaviors.

          The following statements describe what some Persecutors may tell themselves consciously or subconsciously:

          “I often blame others for my problems.”

          “I lecture or interrogate my spouse, children, and others about their problems.”

          “I verbally attack others.”

          “I often demonstrate passive-aggressive behavior.”

          “I frequently make sarcastic or biting remarks.”

          “I shame others for their mistakes.”

          “I demand the respect of those around me, particularly family members.”

          “I relentlessly tease others.”

          “I am very critical of those around me.”

          “I like to feel a sense of power over others.”

          “I often act like I don’t care.”

          “I am known for being blunt.”

          “I make the rules in my family or workplace."

          “I patronize others when they tell me their frustrations.”

          If a Persecutor feels that he or she is losing control and dominance, being in the “one-up” position, they might move into a Victim role as a way to justify their behavior and manipulate.  This can occur over a period of time, within a conversation, or even within seconds; it's all part of their drama.  Because Persecutors need Victims, and Victims need Prosecutors.

          Like all within the Drama Triangle, Persecutors, Rescuers, and Victims can be clueless that they are in it. It takes introspection, mindfulness, and courage to admit they have a problem.  It takes recognizing drama roles and not being drawn into them.  It takes getting their needs met without manipulating others.  It takes learning what codependence is and learning to establish boundaries with consequences.  It is less about occasional dysfunctional moments and more about not allowing the Drama Triangle to become a way of life!