Boundaries #5

I use the term boundary frequently in the recovery work that I do with those with addictive behaviors (most people have addictive behaviors!) and with their loved ones whose lives have been affected by those behaviors.  I use it to describe an action--setting a boundary--meaning an attempt to protect ourselves from something or someone.  When one establishes a boundary, what is being said is that he or she cannot use us, hurt us, or take what we have, whether those possessions are concrete or abstract. That person has decided to tell someone that they will no longer be abused or otherwise invaded or infringed upon in a particular way.  The person has decided to no longer allow someone to trample on them.  It is a line in the sand!

Boundaries are supposed to be taught by parents, but often parents did not have a sense of boundaries, or they lived lives behing emotional walls instead of boundaries.  They may have had boundaries but with holes in them, or they did not have consequences that put "teeth" into the boundaries.  Thus, the dysfunction can be multi-generational, and the dysfunction can powerfully distill to the present.  Inappropriate generational roles among extended family members, and inappropriate roles between one's family and other families, can also hurt boundary formation. 

Although some people are fortunate enough to emerge into adulthood knowing who they are, and what their rights are and aren't, many emerge into adulthood with damaged, scarred, or non-existent boundaries.  Those who saw them modeled well learned not to trespass on other people's territories and do not now allow others to invade theirs.  They have healthy boundaries and a solid sense of self.  But for others, boundaries are inconsistent, rarely or never attached to consequences, or are completely off their radar.

Having not learned or been taught about boundaries growing up, or having had family disregard any boundaries they may have attempted to have; a child will construct thick and high emotional walls to protect themselves from being hurt further.  Children may have weak or non-existent emotional boundaries if they felt emotionally or physically neglected or abandoned or weren't raised with appropriate discipline and limits.  Regretfully, some children are sometimes forced into inappropriate roles with those around them.

      Such children may not have developed a "self," an identity, or a healthy sense of self-esteem, because it is challenging for a "self" to form in a void, or when consistently disregarded.  As an adult, to protect themselves as a coping strategy, they may have used that emotional wall constructed in childhood.  It serves as a sort of protective castle, not allowing anybody to get in to hurt them, but also as a prison, not allowing them to emotionally get out.

Abuse, humiliation, or shame by a child's caregivers damages internal boundaries.  The damage does not necessarily have had to have been received in significant or memorable ways.  They can even be the result of a one-time put down, or a non-verbal glance or scowl.  All of these can result in an inability to have boundaries.  As an adult, they are vulnerable to invasion in many areas, until such time they increase in their self-esteem and can begin to create borders for themselves.

      How they connected with their primary caregivers determined how they presently connect with others as adults.  Their boundaries determine how they fit or bond with those around them.  

f     If a child had to take care of someone as a child who was supposed to be their caregiver, they may believe other people's thoughts, feelings, and problems are their responsibility.  If they lived with someone who encouraged them to be overly dependent on them as their caregiver, they may not have learned how to have a complete sense of self.  They may have entered into adulthood feeling like they were half of something, less than, or needed another person to be complete.  

 th  To personalize what is being discussed, if you as an adult often whine or complain or experience anger or rage toward another, these are clues that interpersonal boundaries need to be set.  The behavior of others you cannot stand, do not like, obsess about, or hate, are areas that may be crying out for boundaries.  The boundary process doesn’t mean an initial absence of feeling angry, whining, or complaining.  It means learning to listen closely to yourself to hear what you’re saying and feeling.  These things are indicators of problems, just like an “idiot light” on a car dashboard.  Your physical body can also tell you when a boundary is necessary.  You may need to get a little upset to motivate yourself to finally establish a boundary, but you don’t need to stay resentful to enforce it.

      Some people, especially loved ones, may get angry at you for setting boundaries, particularly if you’re changing an interpersonal “system” by establishing a boundary where you previously had none.  People especially become angry if you’ve been caretaking them, in one form or another, or allowing them to use or control you, and you decide it’s time to change the dynamic.  Boundaries are to take care of you, not to control others.  Often, the key to setting boundaries isn’t so much convincing other people you are serious and have limits—it’s convincing yourself to do whatever it takes.  

It is okay to say “no” or “no more.” But what you do needs to match what you say.  For example, if your boundary is to not allow your 7-year old to sleep in your bed, then rationalize or not reinforce it, it’s not a boundary, it’s a wish.  It doesn’t do any good to set a boundary unless you’re ready to enforce it, and that takes both energy and self-esteem.

As you enforce your boundary, to take care of you, your self-esteem will improve.  And as your self-esteem improves, your ability to enforce boundaries increases.  One of the best ways to increase our self-esteem is to have boundaries, and those boundaries will usually require consequences.

Again, enforcing boundaries means establishing consequences, and setting boundaries with consequences or ultimatums takes practice.  How severe is too severe?  How easy is too easy?  It may seem awkward or unnatural.  If possible, practice them in situations such as at work, other organizations, or with a salesperson, where the stakes are not as high as with family.  This may be virgin territory.  People who are used to having their own way with you may not like the new, assertive you.  So extend grace to yourself for feeling daunted or afraid, or if you fail to follow through.  You are at least attempting to change who you are or have been.  This is a skill set, a process, and it will develop with practice.  And part of that practice/rehearsal can even take place in front of a mirror!

Here are some examples of boundaries with consequences. This is giving others choices, but giving you choices as well.

• If there is someone who is very angry at you and have raised their voice, consider saying “You may not continue to yell at me.  If you choose to continue, I will choose the leave the room and end this discussion.  It’s up to you.”
•  If there is someone pressuring you to do something immediately and you don’t want to, say something like “I have a policy of not making snap decisions. (Or I need to consult with X)  I need some time to think.  If you need an immediate answer, it will be ‘no’.”
•  If you are facing criticism, you could modify this sentence to a specific situation by calmly stating “It is not okay with me for you to criticize me about my weight.  Please stop.  If you choose not to, this conversation is finished.”
•  If you feel overwhelmed with having too much to do, you can say “Although this is important to me, I can’t help you at this time.” You may choose to give a reason why, but you don’t need to.
• If you sense abuse is imminent, you could say something like the following “I do not feel safe right now and I need to take care of myself.  If you choose not to calm down right now, I will leave, or I'll take the kids and leave.”