Self-Esteem-What is High and What is Low Self-Esteem 1

A book was written in 1994 called The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem." I chose to read it because I have found that high self-esteem and low self-esteem figure prominently in the counseling work that I do. I find that there are a couple of books that are extremely important for my clients to become acquainted with, such as Codependent No More and Boundaries, and have. referred clients to them, and I will be referring people to this book. I found it to be quite important for me personally and for those with whom I work. I thought it appropriate to include some of the ideas proposed by its author, Nathaniel Branden, on this professional blog. There were so many important concepts as I began to read it.  My posting is some of his profound ideas.

• "Self-esteem is defined as confidence in our ability to think, confidence is our ability to cope with the basic challenges of life, and confidence in our right to be successful and happy. [It is the feeling] of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve our values, and enjoy the fruits of our efforts."
• "To trust one's mind and to know that one is worthy of happiness is the essence of self-esteem."
• "It is directly affected by how we act...There is a continuous feedback loop between our actions in the world and our self-esteem. [Thus,] the level of our self-esteem influences how we act, and how we act influences the level of our self-esteem."
• 'If I trust my mind and judgment, I am more likely to operate as a thinking being. Exercising my ability to think, bringing appropriate awareness to my activities, my life works better."
• "With high self-esteem, I am more likely to persist in the face of difficulties. With low self-esteem, I am more likely to give up or go through the motions of trying without really giving my best."
• "If i respect myself and require that others deal with me respectfully, I send out signals and behave in ways that increase the likelihood that others will respond approriately...If I lack self-respect and consequently accept discourtesy, abuse, or exploitation from others as natural, I unconsciously transmit this, and some people will treat me at my self-estimate. When this happens, and I submit to it, my self-respect deteriorates still more."
• "Healthy self-esteem correlates with rationality, realism, intuitiveness, creativity, independence, flexibility, ability to manage change, willingness to admit (and correct) mistakes, benevolence, and cooperativeness.  Poor self-esteem correlates with irrationality, blindness to reality, rigidity, fear of the new and unfamiliar, inappropriate conformity or inappropriate rebelliousness, defensiveness, overcompliant or overcontrolling behavior, and fear of or hostility toward others."
• "High self-esteem seeks the challenge and stimulation of worthwhile and demanding goals. Reaching such goals nurtures good self-esteem. Low self-esteem seeks the safety of the familiar and undemanding.  Confining oneself to the familiar and undemanding serves to weaken self-esteem."
• "The more solid our self-esteem, the better equipped we are to cope with the troubles that arise in our personal lives or in our careers; the quicker we are to pick ourselves up after a fall, the more energy we have to begin anew. The higher our self-esteem, the more ambitious we tend to be, not necessarily in a career or financial sense, but in terms of what we hope to experience in life--emotionally, intellectually, creatively, spiritually. The lower our self-esteem, the less we aspire to and the less we are likely to achieve. Either path tends to be self-reinforcing and self-perpetuating."
• The higher our self-esteem, the stronger the drive to express ourselves, reflecting the sense of richness within, The lower our self-esteem, the more urgent the need to "prove" ourselves--or to forget ourselves by living mechanically and unconsciously."
• "The higher or self-esteem, the more open, honest, and appropriate our communications are likely to be, because we believe our thoughts have value and therefore we welcome rather than fear clarity. The lower our self-esteem, the more muddy, evasive, and inappropriate our communications are likely to be, because of uncertainty about our own thoughts and feelings and/or anxiety about the listener's response."
• "The higher our self-esteem, the more disposed we are to form nourishing rather than toxic relationships. The reason is that like drawn to like, health is attracted to health. (Note: for more about this concept as it relates to intimate relationships, please refer to my blog posting "The Level of Our Dysfunction" from October 11, 2014.)
• "Opposites may attract about some issues, but not about this one...We do not see a passionate love affair, for example, between persons at opposite ends of the self-esteem spectrum--just as we are not likely to see a passionate romance between intelligence and stupidity...Medium self-esteem individuals are typically attracted to medium-self esteem individuals. Low self-esteem seeks low self-esteem in others--not consciously, to be sure, but by the logic of that which leads us to feel we have encountered a "soul mate."  The most disastrous relationships are those between persons who think poorly of themselves; the union of two abysses does not produce height."
• "The healthier our self-esteem, the more inclined we are to treat others with respect, benevolence, goodwill, and fairness--since we do not tend to perceive them as a threat, and since self-respect is the foundation of respect for others. With healthy self-esteem, we are not quick to interpret relationships win malevolent, adversarial terms.  We do not approach encounters with automatic expectations of rejection, humiliation, treachery, or betrayal."
• "Research discloses that high self-esteem is one of the best predictors of personal happiness. Logically enough, low self-esteem correlates with unhappiness."

LOVE

• "If I experience myself as lovable, then I have a foundation for appreciating and loving others. The relationship of love feels natural; benevolence and caring feel natural. I have somthing to give; I am not trapped in feelings of deficiency; I have a kind of emotional "surplus" that I can channel into loving. And happiness does not make me anxious. But if I lack respect for and enjoyment of who I am, I have very little to give--except my unfulfilled needs. In my emotional impoverishment, I tend to see other people essentially as sources of approval or disapproval. I see only what they can or cannot do for me. I am looking for people who will not condemn me--and perhaps will be impressed by my persona, the face I present to the world."
• "We have all heard the observation, 'If you do not love yourself, you will be unable to love others.'  Less well understood is the other half of the story: if I do not feel lovable, it is very difficult to believe that anyone else loves me. If I do not accept myself, how can I accept your love for me? Your warmth and devotion are confusing; it confounds my self-concept, since I 'know' I am not lovable.Your feeling for me cannot possibly be real, reliable, or lasting. If I do not feel lovable, your love for me becomes an effort to fill a sieve...."
• "I attempt love but the foundation of inner security is not there. Instead there is a secret fear that I am destined only for pain. So I pick someone who inevitably will reject or abandon me. Or, if I pick someone with whom happiness might be possible, I subvert the relationship by demanding excessive reassurances, by venting irrational possessiveness, by making catastrophies of small frictions, by seeking to control through subservience or domination, by finding ways to reject my partner before my partner can reject me."
• "What is required for many of us, paradoxical though it may sound, is the courage to tolerate happiness without self-sabotage until such time as we lose the fear of it and realize that it will not destroy us (and need not disappear). One day at a time, See if you can get through today without doing anything to undermine or subvert your good feelings--and if you 'fall off the wagon,' don't despair, pull yourself back and recommit yourself to happiness.  Such perserverance is self-esteem building."