What's Love Got to Do With It?

Back in 1984, Tina Turner sang a song that was very popular, a song which people of my generation would certainly remember, titled "What's Love Got to Do With It?"  Having been in a terribly abusive relationship earlier in her life and career, she knew first hand of what she was singing, and her sincerity came through, at least to me.

I have used the title to her song as a talking point in some of the couples work that I do.  For love is a very vague word, especially in the English language where we use the word to connote so many different feelings and ideas.

In this posting, I want to talk about 'falling in love;" what really is happening, and with that clarity, discuss what can happen to that "love."  These ideas are a synergy involving my own thoughts, peceptions, and ideas, along with those of Dr. Harville Hendrix, who among many other books wrote a landmark tome called "Getting The Love You Want."

Couples who "fall in love" have very good feelings at the beginning.  They look for evidences that this person is the "one."  Some phrases uttered during those blissful, exciting, times--above and beyond those you likely hear in the lyrics of pop and country music stations--are along the lines of:

• "I know we just met, but it's like I already know you."
• "It's weird, but even though we've been dating such a short time, I can't remember when I didn't know you."
• "Before we met, I felt like I was so all alone in the world.  But now, it's like I found someone to share my world with."
• "I love you so much; I can't live without you." 

Couples attempt to cling to this romantic love, trying to appear more emotionally healthy than they actually are.  They see things that may not be what they want but they go into denial, or if they don't go there, they may see something in the partner that reminds them of a trait of a parent, negative or positive, and for some strange reason, it attracts them.  Romantic love can be founded on ignorance and fantasy.

Inevitably, romantic love gives way to a realization, which starkly stated, goes along the lines of "what have I married?"  Dr. Hendrix refers to this time as "the power struggle," summed up by the very well known line "I can't live with you, but I can't live without you!"  Suddenly, it's not enough that their partner is clever, attractive to them, fun-loving, and affectionate.  The reality sets in that the partner now has to satisfy a whole bunch of expectations, some conscious, but many sub-conscious, and hidden from their awareness. What is known is how things were done previously in life, or during childhood,  There are expectations regarding domestic roles, along with other expectations, and there comes a realization that these expectations are not being met.

In this phase, an oft-repeated line is sadly offered to the partner: "why have you changed?"  Usually, the partner hasn't changed.  Those seemingly complimentary traits were likely covering up what really was happening.  Hendrix believes that we project onto partners our unmet needs, usually from our childhood.  And when we realize those needs are not going to be met by our partner, we can experience the awful realization that we are likely going to be wounded by our partner the same way we were wounded in our childhood.  What often is not realized, writes Hendrix, is that the qualities we have begun to see are repressed qualities about ourselves that have been hidden from our view, or they are similar negative qualities of our parents.

What often happens at this juncture is that the partners try to rid themselves of the negative traits they see in themselves and project them onto their partners.  Or in other words, "they look at their partners and criticize all the things they dislike and deny in themselves."  By projecting onto their partners, theypurposely avoid looking at themselves, because doing so is very uncomfortable and scary.  It's much easier to point a finger at the partner rather than at themselves.

So, to review, there are basically two reasons why we choose the partners that we do: 1) they possess both positive and negative qualities of the caregivers who raised us, and/or 2) they compensate for positive aspects of who we are that were cut off in childhood.  We begin the relationship by assuming that our partner will become like a surrogate parent who will make up for what we didn't get as a child.  We think that being connected with this person will heal us and will finally provide us with what we need in a close, long-term relationship.

When confronted with the realization that our plan is not working, it dawns on us that we have "fallen in love" but are not complete or whole.  We fault our partner with deliberately ignoring our needs. We have assumed that they intuitively know exactly what we want, when and how we want it, but they are deliberately withholding it from us.  This idea then causes us to be angry, and we begin to see the negative personality traits of our partner.  We then make the problem worse by projecting our negative traits onto them.  At this point, as the situation deteriorates, we become even more needy and we attempt to force our partner to satisfy our neediness by becoming unpleasant and irritable.

Both partners are searching for a way to become whole, and still believe that their significant other possesses the power to make them complete, but is withholding it.  They begin to emotionally hurt each other or deny pleasure and intimacy with the hope that their partner will finally realize the error of their way and respond with warmth and love.

Not all relationships follow this arc, but many do, the result of unresolved stuff from their childhood and previous relationships.  What did love have to do with it?  It reminds of yet another song from 1972 by Roberta Flack called "Where Is the Love?" 

Depression Doing the Thinking

It has been estimated that we have in the range of 25,000 to 50,000 thoughts a day.  If they are predominately negative, imagine how many negative thoughts you generate daily--thousands upon thousands.  That is the case with depression.

One of the features of depression is pessimistic thinking.  The negative thinking is actually the depression speaking.  It is what depression sounds like.  Depression, in fact, manifests in negative thinking before it creates negative affect.

Most depressed people are not aware that the despair and hopelessness they feel are flowing from their negative thoughts.  Thoughts are mistakenly seen as privileged, occupying a rarified territory, immune to being affected by mood and feelings, and therefore representing some immutable truth.  But feelings are not facts, they are just feelings.

Compounding the issue is that negative thinking slips into the brain under the radar of conscious awareness and becomes habitual.  People come to generate negative thoughts so automatically they are unaware that they are happening, and that most of the time it is actually a choice they are making.

One of the most powerful actions that can be taken to combat depression is to understand how critical the quality of your thinking is in maintaining, and even instensifying your depression--and that the quickest way to change how you feel is to change how you think.

Often enough you can't control how you feel, but you can almost always control how you think.  Thought-processing errors contribute so much to depressed mood.

It is possible to take action and to change patterns of thinking on your own, without necessarily turning to anti-depression medications.  Following are six action strategies that will bring results in breaking out of the negative thought patterns that maintain depression.

• Know that is possible to control the quality of your thinking.  Controlling the quality of your thoughts contributes more to how you feel than any other factor.  It is a rather widespread belief that you have to change your feelings in order to change how you think; it actually works just the opposite way.
• Keep track of how many negative thoughts you are actually having.  This is most easily accomplished by keeping a "thought journal."  You write down as many instances of negative thinking at the end of the day as you can remember. Write down names you call yourself, when you label yourself as worthless or helpless or hopeless.  Keep track of generalizations you make in which you take a singular bad event and project in onto the future.  Write down instances when you use terms like never or always, or when you think black and white thoughts.  It helps to ask a loved one or a trusted colleague to point out to you instances of negative thinking, and then record them.
• After getting an idea of the negative thinking and its frequency, identify the situations that trigger wuch thinking.  Writing them down helps you to focus and to be aware of your triggers.  Often,  certain types of events are particularly likely to set off a chain of negative thoughts, such as a perception of being ignored or not responded to, or a negative remark or an actual setback at work. 
• Practice converting negative to postive thinking.  Some people like to think of it as "flipping a switch."  Think of a light switch, and mentally switch it from the down position to the up--to the "light."
• Utilize a partnership strategy.  Tell your partner or trusted colleague that you think you are sounding too pessimistic in your thinking and that you want to be more optimistic.  Ask them to help you out be gently cueing you when you are sounding negative, and then asking you to instantly convert it to a positive statment.
• In keeping your diary of negative thinking, create a separate column for writing the corresponding positive thought.  "I'm too old" vs "I'm getting better and wiser with age."  If you do this for a few days, you will get the hang of converting negative to positive thinking.

              By Hara Estroff Marano, published on July 01, 2001, and edited, with original thoughts, by Robert E. Davis.

Doing the Uncomfortable Thing

If this makes you feel ill at ease, it does me also!  (This isn't my son.)

What would you do if you found needles for drug use in your son’s room, a son who had a history of drug use?

To further complicate matters, what would you do in that situation if you and your wife had established a rule that absolutely no alcohol or drugs were to be found or used in the home, and that the violator could no longer live in the home?

This was not theoretical; it was the awful reality for me.  It was my circumstance some five years ago with my son Robert.  I had to make a huge decision that would not only significantly impact him, but my other children, my wife, and me.

Robert had started smoking dope during junior high years.  He graduated to sniffing or huffing, to taking hallucinogens, and then to experimenting with other drugs.  At the time I discovered the needles, he was shooting up heroin.  Before he was 18, my wife and I had sent him out of state for over six months to a place for self-destructive boys.  He attended an outpatient rehab program, and then went into another inpatient rehab program for a couple of months in his mid-20s, but he was still acting out and used drugs to dull his emotional pain.  

I had found out that he had stolen my school books, precious coins and bills, and sold them, and had taken some blank checks and had written them to himself (because his name was also Robert) to get drug money.  He had caused my marriage to suffer as my wife and I wrestled with differing objectives as to how to deal with him and his drug use.  He was manipulating us to play on our fears and emotions.  His drug use had become the center of our family dynamic.

But here I was confronted with implementing a consequence for his behavior, a behavior that was clearly in violation of a rule my wife and I had agreed upon.  In that crucible moment, I had to decide whether to do the easier thing and what would have made me feel better and feel more compassionate, or whether to do the difficult, uncomfortable thing that in the end would be the best for him.

I realized the implications of following through with the consequence.  He was my son.  He even had my name.  I would not know where he would be spending that night, or other nights.  I would not know how he would survive financially.  I would be turning him out onto the mean streets of LA. 

Surely, I saw myself as kind and gentle.  Surely, I needed to protect him from those unknowns.  Surely, I needed to feel that I was a good father and taking care of my son.  Surely, I could feel good about being merciful by telling him that his behavior was unacceptable and would not be tolerated, and allow him to stay.  Surely, I didn’t want to be seen as hard-hearted.

But that would have made it more about me and what’s best for me, and not about him and what ultimately was best for him.

What would be best for him, and would make me uncomfortable, was to follow through with the consequence.  He needed to experience the consequence of his choice.  I hadn’t made a poor choice; he had.  What was best for him (and what I didn’t know at the time) was for him to experience those mean streets of LA in order to know that he definitely didn’t want to be there.  What was best for him was for me to focus on him and not on me.

So what did I finally do?  I faced my fears.  I faced the knot in my stomach.  I did what made me uncomfortable.  I did what ultimately was best for him.  Despite his protestations, I stood firm and said he had to leave and that he had to leave right then.

I will never forget how difficult it was to see him walk up those stairs and onto the street.  

I will never forget how my heart ached; how bad I felt.  

I will never forget the uncertainty of that moment.  

But I will never forget the difficult decision I made that terrible day to do what would ultimately lead him to seek help for his addiction.

My therapist at that period of time stated a truth that I embraced in that crucible event and have ultimately embraced in my life since then.  She said on multiple occasions, “If some action makes you feel comfortable, you probably ought not to do it.  And if the action makes you feel  uncomfortable, you probably ought to do it.”

As I have been delighted to document in this blog on previous occasions, Robert continues to stay clean and sober.  He will soon become a licensed Drug and Alcohol Rehabilitation Counselor.  He is on the staff of the Beacon House inpatient rehabilitation program, with full-time work and benefits.  He recently moved out of the Beacon House and into an apartment which he is furnishing largely by himself.  He possesses an emotional maturity beyond his years, understands the nature and importance of accountability, and understands what he can and can’t do in his recovery.

I wonder what would have happened if I had not done the difficult, uncomfortable, best thing for him that terrible day….  

My son Robert with his oldest sister, Rebecca, this past summer!

(This blog posting is now 7 years old.  Robert is now over 11 years clean and sober, married four years, and flourishing.  He continues to work at The Beacon House Rehab.)

A Long Time Ago

I can remember it clearly even though it happened over 50 years ago. Memories that endure are usually those that have some emotional aspect to them.  For that reason, this episode from my childhood must have profoundly impacted me and has stayed with me all of these years.

It occurred in the front yard of the home in which I grew up in Salt Lake City.  It must have been fall because the grass was still green and I was playing with a football. To be clear, I was playing football with myself; throwing the ball into the air and then catching it, like a quarterback throwing to a receiver.  I likely was pretending that I was Roy Jefferson, Ray Groth, Speedy Thomas, or some other University of Utah football player of that era.

My father had four season tickets for many years to U of U home football games that he or his company paid for.  He would give two of them away to different valuable customers, and would keep two for himself.  I guess Mom wasn't interested in going because she never did. 

I guess this was a way to do something five times a year with me.  He and I would sit eight rows up on about the 49 yard line, eating pistachios given us from the cigar-smoking fellow in front of us on the seventh row, on brisk autumn afternoons, and cheer for the Utes.

But on this afternoon, I was playing football with myself.  My siblings Tom and Darlene had long since married and were living elsewhere.  There were a few guys in the neighborhood that I would occasionally play with, but most of my free time outside of school and church was spent alone.  That was my reality.  It was just the way things were and I didn't know it could be any different.

That day, I asked my Dad if he could play catch with me.  I don't remember any reason that he gave, only that he said no.  Why not?

I had a baseball glove growing up and usually had a softball.  I remember throwing the ball onto roofs and catching it as it fell, kind of a fly ball.  It was a way of playing catch with myself as I played alone.  I remember, less clearly, asking Dad on numerous occasions to play catch with me, but I never recall us doing that.  Perhaps I don't remember those occasions as well because they were absent the emotional impact of that football day. Perhaps it is because of a lowered expectation that he would actually play catch with me.

I remember being taken to Rancho Bowling Alley as an eight-year old by him.  I remember how proud I was that I bowled a 56.  That was in a day where there were no gutter bumpers to keep the ball in play.  I was so young.  But even though he bowled weekly in a league, that was the only time we went bowling together. 

Other than the football games and the Saturday morning bowling trip, and occasionally visiting older people in the capacity of LDS home teaching companions, I don't recall us doing things together, a father and his boy.

To be fair, my Dad was one of eight children.  The stories told by my mother and my siblings of my grandparents usually dealt with what a mean, bitter man his father was, how his father showed favoritism for other siblings, how his father abused his wife--my grandmother who my father adored, and how his father would beat him with the "coal shovel."   

Also, because smoking was disobeying a commandment of the LDS Church, he felt shame for his habit and sought to keep his cigarette use hidden and in secret.  I have wondered if that was a determining factor in why he didn't do things with me, like go fishing or be taken on a business trip.  But I have also wondered if there was something about me....

I also realize that for his generation, parenting was something usually done by the mother and that there was not such a societal or Church focus for fathers to be engaged with their children.  

But I have wondered if all of these reasons are merely excuses for a Dad who didn't want to interact with his son who desperately needed to be attached to him.  I have wondered if he was incapable of really loving, or was I not worthy of his love.

Through my own work being in therapy, and now sitting in the therapist chair, helping others with their family of origin issues, I have realized just how this lack of connection, this abandonment, affects them in many ways, and has affected me as an adult.  When I talk with clients about their abandonment issues and how they manifest in certain dysfunctions in their relationships, I realize how close to home that is for me.  

I have wondered if I had been fathered differently if I would have been a better father to my two boys.  And I wonder how my boys will be as fathers to their boys.

And so here I am, a 60-year old, understanding where many of my abandonment feelings originated, yet wistful about my upbringing by my father.  I have mourned the feelings of not having a father who loved and cherished me. I have wept over that loss and how nothing can be done to change the past. I have surrendered my past to God knowing that this abandonment was part of my journey and was an important factor in becoming the sensitive, caring, empathetic person that I believe I am today.  But the memory of that fall afternoon so long ago still hurts.  

How Do I Teach My Kids About Pornography?

How do you teach your kids about the bad that pornography can do but not teach them they will spiritually die if they look at it?  In other words, teach the dangers without over exaggerating them? 

This is a great question.  Especially since the trend I have seen within our culture is that the way we talk about this issue can unintentionally exacerbate the problem instead of helping find solutions.  We have become too comfortable with the exaggeration of terms such as “addiction” when many teens and pre-teens are merely going through developmental stages where sexual curiosity and confusion is normal and intensified.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Try to have your first reaction be that of normalizing.  It’s normal to be curious. And it’s normal to be aroused and/or disgusted by what you come across (even at the same time). 
2. Try to educate.  Not everything you see which is arousing or “inappropriate” is necessarily pornography.  How would I/you define it?  It’s actually pretty difficult to define and not as easy as “you’ll know it when you see it” (especially if you’re dealing with anyone in an anxiety spectrum disorder). When you do come across pornography, most of it is not very realistic. Bodies don’t often look like they do in porn. And people don’t usually act during sex like you see in porn. Most porn is male-centric (what does that mean)? Some people like making porn and others are either coerced or working through difficult personal issues as they do this type of work.  Some porn is connected with the sex-trafficking industry.  Make your moral stances more than just about the curiosity of looking.
3. Make sure your child understands our current legal climate.  Explain the dangers of “child pornography” and that sometimes you can’t tell if you’re looking at child porn because many states see the involvement of any minor as a “child” (even when they are 17 and look like they might be in their early twenties).  Sexting their own body parts would be considered “child pornography” – and legal ramifications can be devastating, not only for the child who sexted but sometimes parents as well.
4. Talk about our brains – and how they usually do best by allowing for appropriate development. So if you’re looking at 25-year old material when you’re 13 – your brain is probably not going to know how to handle it.  You can flood it with too much stimuli. This doesn’t mean you are not smart or “mature”. It just means you are 13. And overstimulation can cause over-preoccupation.  And by the way – did you know that our brains don’t completely “grow-up” until we are about 26?
5. Admit and recognize that you won’t always be involved.  It’s natural to be embarrassed or private about sexual matters with parents so you might hide some of this behavior from me.  That being the case, you want to let them know of some red flags to look for – would you rather look at porn than go out with your friends? Or is it easier to look at porn than actually take a risk and go on a date and try to kiss someone? Are you feeling guilt – and if so, why? Because there is healthy guilt and unhealthy guilt. Do you have realistic expectations of yourself?  *Often messages like we get from the child’s book Not Even Once Club can wreak havoc on those kids who have tried something once.  And most of our kids have or will.  If they don’t know how to recover from this type of cultural messaging – they are more likely to fall prey to the shame cycle of unwanted behaviors.
6. Back to normalizing: at the end of the day – our penis or clitoris doesn’t know it’s Christian or Jewish. Only parts of your brain know that. So give yourself a break – figure out what is healthy and what isn’t – recognize you’re going to make mistakes – and I hope you can trust me enough to ask questions or figure out decisions if you need help.  I’m here to help you as you have questions – make mistakes – or just explore different options.  
7. Check in with your own anxiety.  Often the anxiety we feel as parents as our children’s sexuality becomes more apparent is paralyzing.  Even trained as a sex therapist – I can relate.   Ask yourself if you are truly a safe place for sexual education in your child’s life.  If your approach deals more with disapproval and punishment rather than radical acceptance and unconditional love – the message will get through loud and clear:  do NOT let Mom or Dad figure out what is going on with me.  It’s OK to set boundaries, have parental controls and express your values and why you have them.  It’s the tone we need to keep constant check on.  Remember that non-verbal communication gets across much faster than verbal – and if the two don’t match, they can tell.  So don’t be afraid to let them know your feelings – this is a scary topic for me, I’m worried about you, I don’t know how best to manage this, etc.  But at the end of the day – one thing that will never change is your value and worth as a daughter or son and the love I have for you.

         Published by Natasha Helfer Parker on August 26, 2014 on her blog The Mormon Therapist 

The Level of Our Dysfunction

There are many books and articles that deal with couple relationships.  Oodles of them!  I certainly haven't read them all, but of the many that I've read, I have not found as of yet a sentiment or phrase that mirrors what I came up with long ago as a new intern.  I find it surprising to not have read it.  It seems to be so self-evident.  I would think that anyone who deals with dyadic, partner relationships on a regular basis would have come to the following conclusion, and written:

Couples find a partner to the level of their dysfunction (or function)

What does that mean?  It means that in nearly all cases, whatever unresolved dysfunction we bring to a relationship as a result of our upbringing or early experiences will cause us to couple up with someone who is as dysfunctional as we are.  Another way of stating it would be:  if I bring negative stuff, issues, @#$%!, to a romantic relationship, my partner will have likely have as much stuff, issues, and @#$%! as I do.  The dysfunctions may not be identical, although in many cases they are (at their core), but we can only attract to us what we are.

Looking at it yet another way, if I am having issues with my partner--the negative baggage they have brought and it is negatively affecting the relationship, chances are that you have either the same issues (at their core) or similar issues as they have.

This concept I consistently find in my work with couples may be difficult to swallow, but if you think about it logically, it can begin to make a lot of sense. 

Let's assume for a moment that our dysfunction/function could be put on a scale of 0 to 5, and 0 is emotionally REALLY messed up, and 5 is emotional REALLY functional and healthy.  If I enter into a relationship at a 2.5, for instance, will someone who is a 4 or more really want to be with me for any period of time?  When the honeymoon phase is past and we begin to see each others' dysfunctional "issues," the "4" will not be tolerant of the "2.5," and the "2.5" will accuse the "4" of thinking that they're perfect.  The relationship will not last long.  

Instead, we unconsciously find comfort connecting with someone who is "like me," who "gets me" or who "connects with me."  Someone who is like you, gets you, and connects with you, will have similar issues and/or as many issues as you do.  It can only be that way!

This premise is also true with our level of function.  If we had the great blessing (luck) of being raised in a somewhat positive, affirming, healthy family, we will likely attract a similarly functioning person. Or to use our scale above, the "4" will likely attract a "3.5" (maybe) or a "4" (probably) or a "4.5." (probably not)

The couples that sit in front of me in therapy are not usually a pair of 4s.  Such a pair would likely not have issues that require psychotherapy.  Instead, I see anywhere from 1 to 3s, in my opinion.  I am happy that they are sitting in front of me because they see themselves as less than what they want to be and are seeking help.

But what I usually see is one partner pointing the finger at the other and expecting them to do the changing; as if their partner is really the dysfunctional one.  And while the accusing partner may want to project a facade of owning part of the problem by admitting that "I'm not perfect," they really do believe that the accused partner IS the problem.  Using my 0-5 scale, the accusing partner really sees him or herself as a "4" and their partner  as a "1" or a "2," if not a "0."  

If my hypothesis is correct, however, then the accusing partner IS part of the problem, likely a significant part, and needs to look at him or herself.  It requires looking at the underlying, core reasons for the problem that exists between partners, and coming to understand and accept one's own dysfunctions.  It often requires looking at one's family of origin and what dynamics were in play during formative years, and how stressful situations were dealt with (or not.)

The good news is that if one partner accepts personal responsibility and works on him or herself, and begins to take steps toward recovery or being in a better psychological place, the other partner will likely feel the need to take their own steps toward recovery or being in a better place.  Or they will run away screaming.  And they will run away screaming because the improving partner is evolving from a "3" to a "3.5" and that will make the "3" uncomfortable.

Taking personal responsibility in a relationship is challenging.  It is much easier to point a finger.  It is much easier to stay stuck (it's the devil you know!)  Working on yourself takes time.  It is a process, but a process that ultimately is worth the trouble.  

There are no guarantees that partnerships will last.  Sometimes the dysfunctions are too great.  Sometimes couples ultimately find out consciously or subconsciously that they are out of sync, as I have discussed above.  But if the partnership does not last, each will take their dysfunctions to the next relationship and will again find someone who is a dysfunctional as they are.  Why not work on one's self, so that if the partnership does not work, the person will be emotionally healthier for the next relationship, and will likely attract someone equally healthy?

I observe some great partnerships.  While they likely have very different personalities, both persons are emotionally healthy, are mindful of the other, are unselfish, and are working on making their partnership work.  It is as if there are three entities in the process: the two partners AND the partnership.  Emotionally healthy couples work on the partnership as they work on themselves because of their deep emotional connection.  They respect one another.  They talk things out.  They are not easily offended. They would never do anything to deliberately hurt the other.  They are of one mind and one heart.

They are undoubtedly similar in their function; it couldn't be otherwise.

The Bait and Switch in Marriage?

"What happened to my wife? She used to be so affectionate before marriage! "This expression is often heard from husbands who wonder how their marital relationship could turn out so differently than they expected. One husband shared his experience as follows:

“Before we were married my wife was very into the idea of being intimate and was looking forward to it. You could tell that her drive was high. But after we got married -- like very shortly afterwards -- her drive disappeared. She swears that it's not me or my performance, but that it's just her. She says she just doesn't know what to do about it, and wants her sex drive to kick in again much like her desire to be a mother kicked in again after we had our first child.”

Another husband wrote:

I’ve been gypped. She pulled a bait and switch on me. My wife was so affectionate before marriage. Now she won’t even let me touch her. Our lovemaking happens only occasionally, and it’s very empty emotionally. Her body is there, but her heart isn’t. I feel deprived and neglected. I’m an easy-going guy, but my wife makes me feel like a sex maniac. I don’t know what’s wrong. It’s like she’s turned stone cold. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time and I never seem to get my needs met. Surely this isn’t how marriage is supposed to be. I always dreamed that intimate relations would be part of a healthy and happy marriage.

Marriage is a Surprise Grab Bag

It's true that marriage is a surprise grab bag. You can never really know what you’re going to get. Marriage, like life, is an adventure that has inevitable surprises, delights and some curve balls too.

This so-called "bait and switch" happens on both sides of the marriage relationship. He may feel gypped about the intimate or sexual aspects of marriage, but a wife may feel gypped about the disappearance of time, attention and non-sexual affection she used to get from her husband prior to marriage.

Specifically speaking of what often happens with women and this bait and switch in marriage, here are fivespecific areas for couples to address to shift their relationship: (1) Attention, (2) Affection, (3) Anticipation, (4) Reality, and (5) Education.

1. Attention. The time and attention a woman receives from her “boyfriend” prior to marriage really feeds her loving feelings, which makes her feel close and connected emotionally to her husband.

That emotional connection provides emotional foreplay that allows her to feel sexually attracted to her husband. When after marriage that time and attention diminishes, it is harder for a woman to feel as emotionally connected, which increases the difficulty of her having romantic feelings towards her spouse.

2. Affection. As a marriage and sex therapist, I hear it over and over (especially from wives) that once sex enters the marital relationship then affection seems to be kicked out the back door.

Affection--without strings attached--is so important in a relationship not only for women, but also for men. Both husbands and wives often find themselves “touch” deprived in marriage because they overlook the need to enjoy non-sexual touch and affection as a pleasure in its own right.

Showing the importance of affection to women, columnist Ann Landers asked women “would you be content to be held close and treated tenderly, and forget about the sex act?” More than 90,000 women responded and said "Yes!" Think about that. You can see how important the emotional and non-sexual niceties in marriage are to a woman.

So, men, keep up on the affection in marriage--especially without it leading to something else! This can help you both not only feel close and connected, but can also help women be more willing and able to move from physical and emotional closeness to sexual connection.

3. Anticipation. In marriage a woman’s sexual fire is fueled as much or more by the anticipation or build up of sexual excitement as the main event itself. Anticipation is a key component of a wife’s sexual wiring.

Prior to marriage women get to bask in the anticipation of sexual intimacy and those pre-sexual intimate feelings knowing that it can’t or won’t go any further.

So, in marriage when a couple can follow through on the physical act of lovemaking, and yet the emotional fuel has diminished, you can see how a husband might interpret the difference as a bait and switch in marriage.

4. Reality. When the realities of life begin to set in marriage it can have a dramatic effect on the intimate relationship. The anesthesia of premarital bliss tends to wear off a bit when there are bills to pay, dishes to do, and babies to tend to.

Those inevitable stressors of family life tend to increase the need for sexual intimacy in men, since lovemaking is a natural stress reliever.

But for women these stressors tend to dampen their desire for sexual intimacy, given that women often need to feel relaxed before they can tune into their desire for sexual connecting.

So, with new babies and the demands of little ones, the reality of sleep deprivation may be one of the leading culprits for young moms when it comes to diminished sexual feelings toward their spouse.

5. Education. The overriding issue for a lot of women in a bait and switch situation is that they are often unaware of what lovemaking and their God-given sexuality is really all about.

Given that there is so little positive affirmation of sex and sexuality (and so much negative) even within marriage, many wives have simply not identified themselves as sexual beings nor embraced their sexuality as good and of God.

This is where many couples will need the help of good books, like And They Were Not Ashamed--Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment, or even a good counselor that is versed in the intricacies of intimacy to help them see where they may be having some difficulties.

What To Do

While some may expect a wife's desire to just show up like one's mothering instincts, it's important to remember that a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship is a learned behavior for couples--grounded upon healthy understanding and healthy attitudes regarding male and female sexual wiring, as well as one’s own sexuality.

The key for those who may be facing a bait and switch situation in marriage is to talk with their spouse about these five issues and see where they may need to make some adjustments. These are just a few of the key issues that may be at play in this marital scenario.

This is an article written by Laura M. Brotherson and published in Meridian Magazine on March 27, 2012.