Congratulations! You have taken the most challenging step in facing your sexually compulsive behaviors by looking at this worksheet (then printing it). You are courageous to do this, even if your circumstance is that you have been given an ultimatum by your partner. What you are attempting to do will be challenging and at times discouraging, but if you persist, it will ultimately be worth the effort! Others have found this worksheet to be very worthwhile.
The next step is to make a commitment to yourself, regardless of any external motivation. Your desire to stop engaging in sexual acting out must come from deep within you. You cannot rely on external motivations because they will wilt and fail when faced with the heat of sexual craving. Inward motivation will manifest itself in your dedication to do whatever it takes. You "gottawanna!"
Abstinence from sexually compulsive behavior is completely necessary as you begin your recovery process. For our purposes here, abstinence is defined as refraining from sexual activities over which you have become powerless, activities which cause you feelings of demoralization, pain, and shame, and which you no longer want in your life. It is important and necessary for you to initially identify and decide which behaviors are compulsive and from which you want to abstain.
The concept of abstinence or sobriety from sexual acting out, for our purpose here, is based upon a concept of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) that declares that the "first drink" gets the alcoholic drunk, that it begins a "tsunami of craving," and which can lead to self-destruction. Sex, in and of itself, does not cause you problems, obviously, And truthfully, you likely do not want to ignore your sexuality or become celibate (sexual anorexia). Sobriety involves learning a new approach to sex which isn't compulsive and destructive to you and/or to your partner. It involves identifying what your "alcohol"is and what triggers you to take that "first drink,"so to speak.
To that end, I have found the "Three Circles" concept uses by Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) to be very helpful in visually identifying your unhealthy sexual behaviors and feelings. It helps to focus on what triggers those behaviors and feelings and what may constitute "slippery slope" behaviors and feelings that cause you to fall into unhealthiness. It helps to begin the journey of identifying and developing healthy behaviors and feelings that can lead you to enhance your life and your recovery, and can begin the process of developing a healthy attitude about Sex. The "Three Circles" can help you to accumulate serious sobriety which will then allow you to focus on the reasons why you likely have an unhealthy attitude toward Sex.
THE INNER CIRCLE
You place in your Inner Circle the compulsive sexual behaviors from which you want to abstain. These need to be off limits to you. These are your alcohol or drugs that get you "drunk" or "high," and from which not only can make your life much more difficult, but can complicate the life of a loved one. These are the unhealthy behaviors you have used to self-soothe and to deal with challenges in your life.
These Inner Circle behaviors can include but are not limited to: masturbation with pornography, massage parlors, phone sex, chat room sexuality, prostitution or anonymous sex, voyeurism, exhibitionism, manipulative or angry sex within a relationship, cross dressing with masturbation, child sexual abuse, and incest.
Routinely engaging in these behaviors tends to keep you in permanent isolation and fantasy, never really dealing with living and the challenges of everyday life. They tend to keep you in an extreme black and white world, a world where your sexuality takes over your life. They tend to keep you and loved ones around you in a constant state of drama. They cause you to minimize, to lie, to cover up your behavior at any cost, to live a double life. They cause you to live a life with no internal boundaries, a life of obsessing and rationalizing.
What are the addictive behaviors in your Inner Circle? Although you may feel shame writing them, this is an important step to get them out in the open. Identify them and list them below:
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THE MIDDLE CIRCLE
There are behavior, attitudes, and feelings that can lead to acting out behaviors, Engaged in, they can take you to the "point of no return," the point of sexually acting out. Engaged in, you do not automatically end up in the Inner Circle, but they can lead you there and are certainly not ideal. They constitute a "slippery slope" that can slide you into your Inner Circle.
Such Middle Circle behaviors include following suggestive pop-ups on the Internet, aimlessly surfing the Internet, watching premium channels late at night (this could be Inner Circle behavior), looking at lingerie catalogs, talking in certain chat rooms, looking at a provocatively dressed person for a long time, cruising an area where there are known massage parlors or where prostitutes frequent, and looking at sports websites that show scantily clad persons. They can lead you to a "point of no return."
Some Middle Circle activities can also involve circumstances that you are placed in or you place yourself in. Feeling that you deserve to engage in Inner Circle behaviors, beating yourself up emotionally for having acted out, or feeling shame for merciless perfectionism, can be triggers. Being bored, lonely, anxious, stressed or tired (B-L-A-S-T) can lead to acting out. Other feelings such as anger, depression, apathy, the need to wallow, guilt, or emotional rejection can take you into the Inner Circle.
If a partner has been affected by your acting out, they often become angry, hyper-vigilant, and want to monitor your every move. External situations like this can also be significant triggers. And as you attempt to be abstinent and recover, you will discover triggers that you hadn't noticed before or that weren't triggers before.
Behaviors and attitudes in the Middle Circle can be difficult for those who engage in sexually compulsive activity and as such think in a black and white way. Middle Circle behaviors are gray by nature and present a rationalization challenge.
What are some "slippery slope" behaviors and thinking that you engage in as part of your Middle Circle? Think about what your triggers have been or currently are, even if they are not of your own creation. List them below (use the back of the sheet if there aren't enough lines, especially as you continue in recovery and discover more):
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THE OUTER CIRCLE
A saying in the recovery world goes "if the pain of addiction is greater than the pain of recovery, you will seek recovery. If the pain of recovery is greater than the pain of addiction, you will stay in your addiction." True recovery begins by filling the vacuum created by the removal of Inner Circle behaviors and replacing them with healthy, coping behaviors. These are behaviors and subsequent attitudes that will enhance your life, your relationships, your spiritual connections, as opposed to Inner Circle activities which are compulsive, addictive, and destructive to you and your partner, These positive behaviors are a way to reduce anxiety, to calm you, to nurture yourself and to treat yourself gently, and ultimately, to reconnect to yourself.
Routine exercising, developing an interest or hobby, becoming in a healthy activity that was enjoyable before, spending quality time with siblings, children or close friends, doing volunteer work, playing a sport, taking a long bath, praying, reading scripture, reconnecting with people of the same gender, learning to enjoy affectionate, non-sexual touch, taking a class, or calling a sponsor or someone in recovery with you, are all Outer Circle activities.
Making these a part of your recovery--your new life--is the antithesis of your old addictive life. They will help you to not isolate which is what you've likely been doing in your addictive past. They not only fill the void but they will lift your obsessions and compulsions and bring you new found contentment and serenity, They will help you begin the process of a sane, non-addictive sex life, and will heal you and fill the 'hole in your soul."
Think about what you can do to stop isolating, to start beginning to enjoy life again. Write below what some of these activities, what these behaviors of your Outer Circle might look like:
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Print this worksheet and then keep it in a special, private area, ideally where only you can see it every morning (perhaps in your car). Do not show them to your partner. Reflect upon what is written and what challenges (triggers) may loom ahead during the day. This proactive stance will help you to prepare for the day, armed with understanding, and hopefully, enthusiasm and resolve!
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