Boundaries -- Part 2

(First published on RED In Transition on October 8, 2013)

    
Anger, rage, complaining and whining are clues that boundaries need to be set.  The things you say you cannot stand, do not like, feel angry about, and hate may be areas crying out for boundaries.  The process doesn’t mean an absence of feeling angry, whining, or complaining.  It means learning to listen closely to yourself to hear what you’re saying.  These things are indicators of problems, just like an idiot light on a car dashboard. 

Other clues that may indicate that a boundary is necessary are when you feel threatened, suffocated, or victimized by someone.  This may require you to break through a barrier of shame and fear.  Your body can also tell you when a boundary is necessary.  You may need to get angry to establish a boundary, but you don’t need to stay resentful to enforce it.

Boundaries need consequences when they are violated.  You will be tested when you set boundaries and you need to be determined to follow through on the consequences and find the energy to enforce them.   It doesn’t do any good to set a boundary unless you’re ready to enforce it, and that takes energy.  Often, the key to setting boundaries isn’t convincing other people you are serious and have limits—it’s convincing yourself to do whatever it takes.  Once you know what your limits are—really know—it won’t be difficult to convince others.  In fact, people often sense when you’ve reached your limit.  You’ll stop attracting boundary invaders!  Things will change.

A woman went to her therapist and recited her usual and regular tirade of complaints about her husband.  “When will this stop?”  the woman finally asked the counselor.  “When you want it to,” the therapist responded.

     Be prepared to follow through by acting in congruence with boundaries.  Your boundaries need to match your behavior.  What you do needs to match what you say.  If you say your boundary is to not allow your 7-year old to sleep in your bed, then rationalize or not reinforce it, it’s not a boundary.  It’s a wish.  Consequences and ultimatums are the best way to enforce boundaries.  Boundaries are to take care of you, not to control others.  Your boundary gives you a guideline to make a choice.

       

Some people will be happy to respect your boundaries.  The problem hasn’t been what others have been doing to you; it’s what you’ve been doing to yourself.  Some people, especially loved ones, may get angry at you for setting boundaries, particularly if you’re changing a system by establishing a boundary where you previously had none.  People especially become angry if you’ve been caretaking them, in one form or another, or allowing them to use or control you, and you decide it’s time to change the dynamic.

You’ll set boundaries when you’re ready, and not a minute sooner.  Do it on your own time, not someone else’s, not even a therapist’s.  That’s because it’s connected to your personal growth.

 A support system can be helpful as you strive to establish and reinforce boundaries.  It can be valuable to have feedback about what is normal and what is not, what your rights are and are not.  A cheering squad who knows what you are doing is very helpful as you strive to assert your rights.

     There’s an exciting side to boundary setting.  Besides learning about what hurts and what you don’t like, you learn to identify what you do like, what feels good, what you want, and what brings you contentment.  That’s when you begin to enhance the quality of your life.  If you’re not certain who you are, and what you like and want, you have a right to make those exciting discoveries!

Healthy boundaries are a personal issue that reflect and contribute to one’s growth, one’s self, one’s connection to one’s self and to other people, and to God or the Universe.  Listening to and valuing one’s self moves one to a rich, abundant place where good can flourish.  Each one of us has a guide inside that tells us what is needful and important to know about ourselves and others.   We must love ourselves enough to listen.   


Some of the ideas presented are original to me, but many are taken from a book written by Melody Beattie, published by Hazelden, called "Beyond Codependency-- And Getting Better All the Time"