Expectations--From My Perspective

Twice last year, I came awfully close to losing my life; the stalling of my car on a night freeway and the other in a head-on collision.  Last year, I lost a friend in a bicycle accident with a car.  A number of significant public figures from my life passed away in 2013.  Both of my siblings and their spouses are in their 70s, and I would like for them to have another 20 years, but I have no say if that will happen or not.

In 2014, I turn 60.  That is not particularly old now in the 21st Century, but it is not young either.  I'm trying to watch my cholesterol, my weight, my medication-controlled pre-diabetes.  I exercise, and get regular physical and dental checkups in an effort to take care of my body.  I travel in my car around 350 miles a week, which while not the great number of miles I have traveled in my employment in the past, it is still a significant number of miles, and miles in which there is always the possibility of being in an accident, perhaps a fatal accident.

Some might say that I am becoming obsessed with dying.  Perhaps.  But I would like to frame it in another way.  I see myself as being obsessed with living.  I desperately want to live for a long time, whatever age that is.  Secure in my religious beliefs, I am not afraid to die, and actually I look forward to it.  But not yet.  Not now.

Because I don't know whether at my next physical check-up the doctor will find a cancerous lump and tell me I have six months to live, or if some drunk driver will t-bone my car as I innocently go through an intersection, I am grateful each day that something terrible did not happen to me in my past.  Again, those ideas might be viewed as morbid, but I see them as not having an expectation--taking the day for granted, if you will--that I will be alive tomorrow.  When I do wake up and realize I am still around, I feel a great sense of happiness and appreciation--each day. Indeed, in my personal religious observance, I express my desire to God and plead with Him to live another day--I just don't expect it.

I believe, and have written about this, that gratitude and happiness are inextricably connected.  It has been my experience that the happiest people are those who are the most grateful.  Conversely, those who do not feel gratitude are often unhappy.  Look at yourself or those around you, and notice if the happiest people around you are the most grateful.  And I my opinion, being happy does not necessarily mean you constantly wear a smile (although you might!), but rather, you feel a contentment or peace that, at that particular moment, life is pretty good!

I want to connect gratitude and happiness with expectations.  To use my example above, If I expect to live through tomorrow, I may feel grateful tomorrow night, but over time, I will begin to take it for granted.  It is just human nature.  As I begin to take for granted or expect that I will live each day, my appreciation for that gift will likely diminish.  As my gratitude diminishes for this gift because I have come to expect it, I likely won't be as happy or contented as I was when I was more appreciative.

What I am proposing is that reducing one's expectations significantly enhances one's gratitude, and as such, one's happiness or contentment or peace.

Does that mean that one should have no expectations at all?  We can have the expectation or take for granted that the sun will rise tomorrow--something virtually inevitable, because of the rotation of the earth.  This certitude can exist in some areas of natural life as well, but there can be no certitude in the uncertainty of human life.  We certainly do not have full control over most of the important things in life--our health and the health of those around us, whether we'll get a job we desire, or, in my example above, how long I (or any of my loved ones) will live.

We can control whether we give our best effort; we control whether we act appropriately or not.  Given health and ability, we can also control the quality of our work.  We have free will, or agency.  But we only have control over those matters over which we have complete control. especially matters of human behavior.  Even then, we should have fewer expectations of others' behaviors than of our own.

What about the future?  We can and should have goals, hopes, and ambitions for ourselves, and I believe it is acceptable to make appropriate demands on others, such as fidelity from a spouse or honest work from an employee.  But those really aren't expectations.

So what about expectations of our spouses?  Other than expecting fidelity and no abuse of one another in any form, I believe that should be minimal expectations--we have no control over their behavior.  The more we expect from a spouse, the more likely we are to take them for granted, and the more likely we will not feel grateful for all of the good things they do for us.  Taking a spouse for granted and not feeling or expressing gratitude for them places great stress on the relationship.

So what about expectations of our children?  We should have great hopes for our children.  We should help set goals with them.  We can and should make certain demands on our children because they need them, like doing homework.  But I feel we ought to maintain modest expectations of them, for their sakes.  They ought to be seen as autonomous human beings, not extensions of us.  Unintentionally or intentionally seeing them as a "Mini-Me" can cause them great harm.  That is done out of our own needs and not of theirs; it springs from our own unresolved issues.  Likewise, some parents give their children so much that their offspring come to expect more and more, depriving them of developing their ability to learn gratitude--because they won't feel it.

Also, keeping expectations of our children to a minimum reduces gratuitous disappointment when they decide to not do what we expected of them.  There are so many parents that live sad, ungrateful lives because they had such high expectations of their children who have "disappointed" them and have allowed this disappointment to darken their lives.

Simply stated, expectations are impediments to happiness.  When expectations are unfulfilled they cause gratuitous pain, and when they are fulfilled, they diminish gratitude, the most important element in happiness.  I am really trying to keep my expectations at a bare minimum, and only have them when I have control over the results.  I desire to be grateful because when I am grateful, I am happy, contented, and at peace.

Find the Bad Guy

Because I do a lot of work with couples in my marriage and family therapy practice, I often see something known as “Find the Bad Guy.”  It is the dynamic that occurs when both partners are supposedly trying to protect themselves from the other, but really it is mutual attacking, accusation or blame.  I see this dynamic repeatedly.  My intention is to shine a light on it by helping people to understand it and to how to escape from it. 

This “dance” begins when one partner or the other is hurt or feels vulnerable, and one or both feel out of control.  Emotional safety begins to disappear.  The negativity continues as one or both say anything in an attempt to regain control through defining the partner in a negative way.  The receiving partner then reacts angrily.  Soon one or both feels cornered and actually are flooded with fear.  They perceive that something hurtful has been done to them, and do not usually see the impact of their responses on the other.  They forget about what is good in their partnership; they only see that “that you just stepped on my toes.”

Once this negative dance pattern occurs over and over again, a partner will come to expect it, watch for it, and react even quicker in the future when they perceive it is coming.  Subsequently, this reinforces the pattern.  By watching for and anticipating the perceived hurt, we close off all the ways out of this dead-end dance.  The partners find it hard to relax with one another, to let down their guard.  It becomes harder to emotionally connect with the other in a positive way.  The range of responses becomes more restricted as the “Find the Bad Guy” dance becomes more deeply entrenched in their interactions.

When a partner is attacking or counterattacking, they try to put their feelings aside.  After repeated occurrences, positive feelings get completely lost and the couple itself becomes lost.  The relationship becomes more unsatisfying and unsafe as partners begin viewing the other as uncaring or even defective.  Soon this pattern becomes habitual and deeply rooted, and the dance becomes almost automatic, and starts going in a “circle”:  the more one attacks, the more dangerous they appear to the other, and the more the other partner watches for the attack, the harder they hit back.  Round and round they go. 

This negative pattern is caustic and can destroy a marriage.  The only way to stop the dance and to restore safety and trust is to recognize that no one has to be the villain, to be the bad guy.  It doesn’t matter who started the dance or who is right or which details are true.  The pattern needs to be recognized as “The Bad Guy,” not the couple.  The dance is the villain and the partners are the victims.

If a couple really wants to say “enough,” they must recognize the pattern.  They both must be weary of the bickering and the drama.  They need to:

• ·         Attempt to stay in the present and focus on what is happening in the “here and now”
• ·         Attempt to not use past behaviors to justify present perceptions
• ·         Try to break the pattern of mind-reading, blaming, or assuming motives of the partner
• ·         Look at the pattern or the dance as a circular dance, fed by criticism and even contempt, realizing that there is no true “start” to a circle
• ·         Consider the alternative of continuing to do the “Find the Bad Guy” dance

I hope that this posting helps some couple out there.  Partners don’t need to do this dance anymore.

A Voyage Through Porn Addiction

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Blocks to Listening

Listening is the most important communication skill.  Real listening is rare. It involves more than simply hearing your partner's words or being quiet when your partner speaks.  It represents a commitment to understanding and to empathy.  It is distinguished by the intention of the listener: to understand, learn from, help, or just enjoy your partner.  It allows you to see the world through your partner's eyes.

Many people think they are listening, but they really are engaging in pseudo-listening.  When we listen this way, there is a selective perception occurring in which listening is distorted by judgments about the character, behaviors, and the intentions of the person speaking.  These judgments create a number of real impediments to real listening.  Many do this, at least occasionally.  Honestly assess which of the following blocks get in your way of really listening to your partner.

Mind Reading.  You disregard what your partner is actually saying in favor of trying to figure out what he or she "really means."  Mind readers place great importance on subtle cues such as facial expression, tone of voice, and posture.  The actual meaning of the words is ignored in favor of the listener's assumptions.  EXAMPLE:  Your partner says, "I'm okay," but you hear, "something's wrong, but I don't want to tell you."

Filtering.  You listen to some of your partner's words but not others.  You may listen for what you are expecting to hear ("I'm angry") and tune out everything else ("I really need your support").  Filtering also is used to exclude things that you don't want to hear, usually something about you or the relationship.  EXAMPLE:  How would you respond to the following: "I'm afraid about being isolated from my family if we move out of state" or "I'm concerned about how much time you spend on the computer."

Rehearsing.  After the first few words, you stop listening to what your partner is saying because you're busy rehearsing how you will respond. You miss much of the information your partner is telling you because you are too involved to listen because you're preparing your excuse or justification or defense.  EXAMPLE:  How would you respond to your partner if he or she were sharing their feelings, one of which was about a growing distance between you?

Daydreaming.  Your attention wanders and you only hear bits of what your partner is saying to you.  This is a particular problem for couples who have been together for several years.  Your thoughts focus on your own concerns.  You may even be aware you are having trouble paying attention to your partner.  This sometimes is a passive way of demonstrating anger or resentment.  EXAMPLE:  You become distracted when your partner talks about a recent conversation with his/her mother because you don't like her.

Advising.  As soon as your partner begins to describe a problem he or she is having, you jump in and begin to give advice about how it should be solved.  (This is often done by males!) This can be a way of managing your own anxiety about a situation.  You are so involved in wanting to fix the problem that you ignore your partner's need for emotional support, or to have you just listen and ask for clarification. Advising gives your partner the message that he or she lacks the ability to solve his or her own problems.  EXAMPLE:  Your partner had a unpleasant conversation with a co-worker which he/she thought was rude.

Sparring.  You listen just enough to begin an argument or debate.  You take a position that is opposite to your partner's, and defend it, regardless of what your partner says.  This is characteristic of troubled relationships. There are familiar themes to the back-and-forth, such as money, sex, being late, neatness, or the children.  EXAMPLE:  Your partner states that you are not having enough sex, and you take the opposite position.

Being Right.  You feel the need to protect yourself from anything your partner might say that suggests that you are less than perfect or consistent.  You might engage in shouting, accusing, lying, criticizing, or rationalizing, in order to avoid admitting you might be wrong and your partner could be right.  EXAMPLE:  Your partner begins to talk of their concern that both of you are spending too much money, you break in and begin to defend your most recent purchases.

Derailing.  You make a joke or change the subject whenever your partner begins to talk about something that is too personal, too threatening and close to your core.  In this way, you avoid listening to your partner's serious concerns.  EXAMPLE:  Your partner approaches you with a concern about your health, and you respond by laughing and stating your fine or just too busy to contact the doctor, then you start talking about a problem at work.

Placating.  You agree too quickly.  You are so concerned about appearing supportive or agreeable as possible that you don't give your partner time to express a deep thought or feeling.  EXAMPLE:  Your partner expresses doubt, irritation, or anxiety, about a situation, and you jump right in and offer assurance that you will fix the problem right away.

Judging.  You stop listening to your partner because you've already formed some negative judgment.  You only listen for the purpose of assigning blame or putting negative labels on your partner's motives, words, or behaviors.  You listen to gather fresh evidence to prove the validity of your judgment.   EXAMPLE:  Your partner attempts to tell you about a problem they're having and you stop listening, thinking "here we go again."


Based upon the work of Carl Rogers (1951) and McKay, Davis and Fanning (1983).

The Elements of Equality

ATTENTION. Both partners are emotionally attuned to and supportive of each other. And both feel invested in the relationship, responsible for attending to and maintaining the relationship itself.

INFLUENCE.  Partners are responsive to each other's needs and each other's bids for attention, conversation, and connection. Each has the ability to engage and emotionally affect the other.

ACCOMMODATION.  Although life may present short periods when one partner's needs take precedence, it occurs by mutual agreement; over the long haul, both partners influence the relationship and make decisions jointly.

RESPECT.  Each partner has positive regard for the humanity of the other sees the other as admirable, worthy of kindness in a considerate and collaborative relationship.

SELFHOOD.  Each partner retains a viable self, capable of functioning without the relationship if necessary, able to be his or her own person with inviolable boundaries that reflect core values.

STATUS.  Both partners enjoy the same freedom to directly define and assert what is important and to put forth what is the agenda of the relationship. Both feel entitled to have and to express their needs and goals and bring their full self into the relationship.

VULNERABILITY.  Each partner is willing to admit weakness, uncertainty, and mistakes.

FAIRNESS.  In perception--determined by flexibility and responsiveness--and behavior, both partners feel that chores and responsibilities are divided in ways that support individual and collective well-being.

REPAIR.  Conflicts may occur and negativity may escalate quickly, but partners make deliberate efforts to de-escalate such discussions and calm each other down by taking time-outs and apologizing for harshness.  They follow up by replacing defensiveness with listening to the other's position.

WELL-BEING.  Both partners foster the well-being of the other physically, emotionally, and financially.  

Waking Up to Who You Are Requires Letting Go of Who You Imagine Yourself to Be

(First published on RED In Transition on November 14, 2013)

 

As you might know if you follow this blog, much of the therapy work that I do involves working with clients with addictions.  Most who read my words are not compulsively watching porn, or exercising far too many hours a day, or making themselves vomit, or washing their hands 50 times a day, or narcissistically spending hours on social media sites like Facebook, or are always drinking alcohol, or shooting heroin.  That’s fair.  But many people are addicted to something or someone.  And it can even be the persons sitting next to you on your pew at church--or you.

It’s been my experience in the work I do that some people are addicted to their spouses.  They allow their partner to determine to a significant degree if they are happy or sad, carefree or depressed.   This occurs when they focus on the other’s behavior or words and lose their own internal compass.  They are so needy for validation or for emotional connection that when the partner doesn't offer what they feel they deserve or need for whatever reason, they tend to go to pieces.   They see their partners as an extension of themselves and are unwilling to acknowledge that their partners are individuals with their own upbringing, life experiences, and needs, and that maybe, just maybe, they see things differently.  They are addicted to the emotional “drug” that their partner/dealer needs to provide for them to be happy and validated.

Some parents are addicted to their children.  These can be those helicopter parents who hover over their kids, making sure that their offspring are involved in everything, attending the very best schools, and involved in numerous extra-curricular activities .  These are those parents who seem to live life vicariously through their little ones.  These are those who feel bad when they are unable to do everything they would like to do, or who just can’t sacrifice enough, for their sweet darlings.  These are the parents who are so focused on their children that they do not focus on one another, and as such, their marriage is shaky and emotional intimacy is almost non-existent.

Some people have a compulsion to be correct.  They were likely brought up in a home in which if you weren't correct you were criticized or made fun of, or they were raised by a parent who always had to be rigidly right.   Their egos are currently so fragile that they have to prove to everyone, including loved ones, that they know what is best and that they should not be challenged.   They are quick to zero in on the flaw in a loved one’s argument or a wrong word.  It doesn't matter if they make loved ones feel bad; in their addiction they've got to be right, and they’re right!

Some people have been so abused or hurt growing up that they now feel unable to be vulnerable or real, and addictively hide behind an emotional wall.  The wall has been built one brick, one event, at a time over a lifetime.  The world, and in particular relationships, are not a safe place, and they do not want to be hurt emotionally yet again.  They see the risk being too great to venture out.  And while existing behind the wall is a lonely place, it is a known place, and it’s safe there.   Why risk that comfort and security?   The wall is the addiction of these scared souls.

Some people these days are addicted to all things political.  They listen incessantly to talk radio or to pundit news broadcasts or read or watch online political websites.   Their lives seemed to be consumed by the misdeeds of politicians who can do no good or no bad.   They seem to be so focused on what is wrong that they are challenged to stop long enough to be grateful for what is right—to smell the roses.   These people seem to be focused like a laser on social reform or social justice.    They are fearful in some conscious or subconscious way of those who would think differently than they do, attacking them personally rather than on their views.   Their need to be right and for the other person to be wrong is insatiable.

My purpose in writing this post was to have you look at your life and determine if there is an addiction or addictive tendencies in there somewhere.  Indeed, if I have awakened you to look at your life, and you see something there that might fit such tendencies, it would be worthwhile to let it/them go, to enable you to be all that you can be, unencumbered by these or other insidious beliefs.  Waking up to who you are requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be!

Boundaries -- Part 2

(First published on RED In Transition on October 8, 2013)

    
Anger, rage, complaining and whining are clues that boundaries need to be set.  The things you say you cannot stand, do not like, feel angry about, and hate may be areas crying out for boundaries.  The process doesn’t mean an absence of feeling angry, whining, or complaining.  It means learning to listen closely to yourself to hear what you’re saying.  These things are indicators of problems, just like an idiot light on a car dashboard. 

Other clues that may indicate that a boundary is necessary are when you feel threatened, suffocated, or victimized by someone.  This may require you to break through a barrier of shame and fear.  Your body can also tell you when a boundary is necessary.  You may need to get angry to establish a boundary, but you don’t need to stay resentful to enforce it.

Boundaries need consequences when they are violated.  You will be tested when you set boundaries and you need to be determined to follow through on the consequences and find the energy to enforce them.   It doesn’t do any good to set a boundary unless you’re ready to enforce it, and that takes energy.  Often, the key to setting boundaries isn’t convincing other people you are serious and have limits—it’s convincing yourself to do whatever it takes.  Once you know what your limits are—really know—it won’t be difficult to convince others.  In fact, people often sense when you’ve reached your limit.  You’ll stop attracting boundary invaders!  Things will change.

A woman went to her therapist and recited her usual and regular tirade of complaints about her husband.  “When will this stop?”  the woman finally asked the counselor.  “When you want it to,” the therapist responded.

     Be prepared to follow through by acting in congruence with boundaries.  Your boundaries need to match your behavior.  What you do needs to match what you say.  If you say your boundary is to not allow your 7-year old to sleep in your bed, then rationalize or not reinforce it, it’s not a boundary.  It’s a wish.  Consequences and ultimatums are the best way to enforce boundaries.  Boundaries are to take care of you, not to control others.  Your boundary gives you a guideline to make a choice.

       

Some people will be happy to respect your boundaries.  The problem hasn’t been what others have been doing to you; it’s what you’ve been doing to yourself.  Some people, especially loved ones, may get angry at you for setting boundaries, particularly if you’re changing a system by establishing a boundary where you previously had none.  People especially become angry if you’ve been caretaking them, in one form or another, or allowing them to use or control you, and you decide it’s time to change the dynamic.

You’ll set boundaries when you’re ready, and not a minute sooner.  Do it on your own time, not someone else’s, not even a therapist’s.  That’s because it’s connected to your personal growth.

 A support system can be helpful as you strive to establish and reinforce boundaries.  It can be valuable to have feedback about what is normal and what is not, what your rights are and are not.  A cheering squad who knows what you are doing is very helpful as you strive to assert your rights.

     There’s an exciting side to boundary setting.  Besides learning about what hurts and what you don’t like, you learn to identify what you do like, what feels good, what you want, and what brings you contentment.  That’s when you begin to enhance the quality of your life.  If you’re not certain who you are, and what you like and want, you have a right to make those exciting discoveries!

Healthy boundaries are a personal issue that reflect and contribute to one’s growth, one’s self, one’s connection to one’s self and to other people, and to God or the Universe.  Listening to and valuing one’s self moves one to a rich, abundant place where good can flourish.  Each one of us has a guide inside that tells us what is needful and important to know about ourselves and others.   We must love ourselves enough to listen.   


Some of the ideas presented are original to me, but many are taken from a book written by Melody Beattie, published by Hazelden, called "Beyond Codependency-- And Getting Better All the Time"    

Boundaries -- Part 1

In geography, boundaries are the borders marking a state, a country, or a person's land.  Unlike states on maps, we don't have thick black lines delineating OUR boundaries.  Yet each of us has our own territory.  Our boundaries define and contain that territory, which includes our bodies, minds, emotions, spirit, possessions, and rights. Boundaries define and surround all our energy, the individual self that we each call "me."  Our borders are invisible, but real.  There is a place where I end and you begin.  The purpose of this blog post is to help you learn to identify and have respect for that line.

I use the term boundary frequently in the recovery work that I do with those with addictive behaviors (most people) and their loved ones whose lives have been affected by those behaviors.  It is used to describe an action--setting a boundary--meaning an attempt to protect ourselves from something or someone.  Often, when this term is used and attempted, the person is saying to someone that he or she can't use us, hurt us, or take what we have, whether those possessions are concrete or abstract.  The person has decided to tell someone that they can't abuse them, or otherwise invade or infringe on them in a particular way.  The person has decided to no longer allow someone to trample on them.

But boundaries are supposed to be taught by parents, and often parents did not have a sense of boundaries, or built emotional walls instead of boundaries, or had boundaries with holes in them, or did not have consequences that put "teeth" in the boundaries.  Likely, their parents may not have had boundaries on their own actions or the actions of those around them.  Thus the dysfunction can be multi-generational, and the dysfunction can powerfully distill to the present. Inappropriate generational roles among family members, and inappropriate roles between one's family and other families, can also hurt boundary formation.

Although some people are fortunate enough to emerge into adulthood knowing who they are, and what their rights are and aren't, many emerge into adulthood with damaged, scarred, or non-existent boundaries.  Those who saw them modeled learned not to trespass on other people's territories do not now allow others to invade theirs.  They have healthy boundaries and a solid sense of self.  But for others, boundaries are inconsistent, rarely or never attached to consequences, and are completely off their radar.

Sometimes, people are so overwhelmed in their own territories that they construct thick and high emotional walls to protect themselves from being hurt anymore. The walls usually start to be built in childhood when a child's boundaries and rights are invaded or violated, or they are forced into inappropriate roles with those around them. Children may have weak or non-existent boundaries if they were emotionally or physically neglected or abandoned, or if they weren't nurtured or weren't raised with appropriate discipline and limits.  They may not have developed a "self," an identity, or a healthy sense of self-esteem, because it's challenging for a "self" to form in a void.  Regardless, these walls serve as a learned coping strategy for adults that represent a sort of castle, not letting anybody get in, but also a prison, not allowing the person to get out.

Abuse, humiliation, or shame by one's caregivers damages boundaries, and the abuse, humiliation, or shame do not necessarily have had to have been in significant or memorable ways.  These behaviors can result in significant holes in one's boundaries.  As an adult, they are vulnerable to invasion in those areas until they repair and strengthen that part of their border.

If one had to take care of someone who was supposed to be their caregiver, they may believe other people's thoughts, feelings, and problems are their responsibility.  If they lived with someone who encouraged them to be overly dependent on him or her, they may not have learned they had a complete sense of their "own-ness."  They may have entered into adulthood feeling like they were half of something, and needed another person to be complete.

Controlling people invade territory.  They trespass, and think that it's their right to do so.  If one lived with someone who tried to control their thoughts, bodies, or feelings, their boundaries may have been damaged.  If their rights to their emotions, thoughts, bodies, privacy, and possessions weren't respected, they may not know as adults that they have rights.  They may not know others' rights either.

How we connected with our primary caregiver determines how we connect with others as adults.  One's boundaries determine how one fits or bonds with those around them.  If a person has weak boundaries, they may get lost in another's territory.  Relationships can cause fear because a person might feel too vulnerable and fear losing all that they have, including themselves.

People feel most comfortable around people who have healthy boundaries.  The saying goes "fences make good neighbors," and such a border engenders comfort. The challenge is to develop healthy boundaries, not too pliable or too rigid.  It is important to look at one's "fences" to determine if any pieces or sections of it need repair or replacement, or if an entire part needs to be constructed.  It is in one's own best interest to do so, thus the reason for this blog posting.

As healthy boundaries are developed, there evolves an appropriate sense of roles among family members, others, and one's self.  Respect for one's self and others is learned, not allowing one's self to be abused or to abuse.  With healthy boundaries, one cannot be controlled and will not want to control others.  There is a realization that one does not have to take responsibility for others, and a desire to not let others take responsibility for them.  Everyone takes responsibility for themselves! If one is rigid, they loosen up a bit.  A clear sense of complete self and one's rights is developed.  Respect for another's territory as well as one's own is learned through developing the skill to listen to and trust one's self.


Part Two of Boundaries will be published soon in the next blog posting.  Some of the ideas presented are original to me, but many are taken from a book written by Melody Beattie, published by Hazelden, called "Beyond Codependency-- And Getting Better All the Time." 

Find the Bad Guy Dance

(First published on RED In Transition on September 27, 2013)

Because I do a lot of work with couples in my marriage and family therapy practice, I often see something known as “Find the Bad Guy.”  It is the dynamic that occurs when both partners are supposedly trying to protect themselves from the other, but really it is mutual attacking, accusation or blame.  I see this dynamic repeatedly.  My intention is to shine a light on it by helping people to understand it and to how to escape from it. 

This “dance” begins when one partner or the other is hurt or feels vulnerable, and one or both feel out of control.  Emotional safety begins to disappear.  The negativity continues as one or both say anything in an attempt to regain control through defining the partner in a negative way.  The receiving partner then reacts angrily.  Soon one or both feels cornered and actually are flooded with fear.  They perceive that something hurtful has been done to them, and do not usually see the impact of their responses on the other.  They forget about what is good in their partnership; they only see that “that you just stepped on my toes.”

Once this negative dance pattern occurs over and over again, a partner will come to expect it, watch for it, and react even quicker in the future when they perceive it is coming.  Subsequently, this reinforces the pattern.  By watching for and anticipating the perceived hurt, we close off all the ways out of this dead-end dance.  The partners find it hard to relax with one another, to let down their guard.  It becomes harder to emotionally connect with the other in a positive way.  The range of responses becomes more restricted as the “Find the Bad Guy” dance becomes more deeply entrenched in their interactions.

When a partner is attacking or counterattacking, they try to put their feelings aside.  After repeated occurrences, positive feelings get completely lost and the couple itself becomes lost.  The relationship becomes more unsatisfying and unsafe as partners begin viewing the other as uncaring or even defective.  Soon this pattern becomes habitual and deeply rooted, and the dance becomes almost automatic, and starts going in a “circle”:  the more one attacks, the more dangerous they appear to the other, and the more the other partner watches for the attack, the harder they hit back.  Round and round they go. 

This negative pattern is caustic and can destroy a marriage.  The only way to stop the dance and to restore safety and trust is to recognize that no one has to be the villain, to be the bad guy.  It doesn’t matter who started the dance or who is right or which details are true.  The pattern needs to be recognized as “The Bad Guy,” not the couple.  The dance is the villain and the partners are the victims.

If a couple really wants to say “enough,” they must recognize the pattern.  They both must be weary of the bickering and the drama.  They need to:

• ·         Attempt to stay in the present and focus on what is happening in the “here and now”
• ·         Attempt to not use past behaviors to justify present perceptions
• ·         Try to break the pattern of mind-reading, blaming, or assuming motives of the partner
• ·         Look at the pattern or the dance as a circular dance, fed by criticism and even contempt, realizing that there is no true “start” to a circle
• ·         Consider the alternative of continuing to do the “Find the Bad Guy” dance

I hope that this posting helps some couple out there.  Partners don’t need to do this dance anymore.

Negative Feelings and Emotions

(First published on RED In Transition on July 28, 2013)

The following list contains positive emotions and a common opposite negative emotion:

Calmness/Anger, Carefree/Insecurity, Courage/Fearfulness, Exuberance/Depression, Safety/Anxiety, Connectedness/Loneliness, Clarity/Confusion, Love/Apathy, Joy/Sadness, Satisfaction/Dissatisfaction, Excitement/Boredom, Innocence/Guilt, Bliss/Pain

Reviewing the “opposites” list above, most of us have felt many if not all of these negative emotions at one time or another.  Feeling negative emotions is unpleasant and can be painful.  We don’t want to feel the pain, or we may tell ourselves that we shouldn’t be feeling those negative emotions. 

When we feel physical pain, we view it as a feedback mechanism that informs us that something is harming us and such a situation should be avoided or modified.  However, we respond quite differently when we feel emotional pain.  We do not think something is wrong, but rather, we think that something is wrong with us.  But we can choose to view emotional pain similarly to the way we view physical pain: as a feedback mechanism that informs us that our heart or spirit is being harmed and that something in our lives needs to be changed. 

For example, when you once felt anger, could it be that you have been emotionally violated in some way, and your heart or spirit has been harmed to your detriment?

When you once felt fear, could it be that you perceived danger and that something or somebody might hurt you?

When you once felt depressed and your heart or spirit was shutting down from emotional pain, could it be that you might have needed to make some changes in the way you thought or framed the event?

When you once felt guilt, could it be that a choice you may have made emotionally hurt yourself or someone else and that it was not a wise choice?

When you once felt despair, could it be that you had lost hope that tomorrow was another day and that things would likely get better?

Negative emotions can serve a purpose.   We may not want or like to feel them, but it is not a matter of whether we should or shouldn’t feel them.  Feelings aren’t facts, they’re just feelings.  What matters is what we do with them.  We can go three ways with them, and it can be tempting to default to two of them:  surrendering our will to them, or shutting them down completely.

TWO DEFAULT OPTIONS

Heather‘s three kids had been noisy and she heard constant crying.  They just appeared to run around and scream.  Her nerves were frayed.  She barely got them down for a nap and was relishing a much needed quiet time when she heard a crash down the hall.   Upon arriving in one of the kid’s rooms, she realized that her almost three year old had pulled on a cord and toppled a vase which had shattered.  What was she feeling?  Perhaps negative emotions like anger, even perhaps rage.  Does she surrender her will to the moment and scream at the child, telling him how clumsy and stupid his is?  It will make her feel good—temporarily.  Is this her “default” response?  

Mark had just found out from the doctor that the hearing loss he had experienced in one ear was not going to get better and that he would likely have to deal with it the rest of his life.  When his brother David asked him how he was handling the disturbing news, he remarked that it could have been both ears.  When David pressed him a little more as to how difficult it might be and that it was too bad that Mark would have to deal with it long term, Mark became a little upset and wondered if David was just trying to make him feel bad.  Does Mark just “put a happy face” on the situation and stuff the feelings, shutting them down as he usually does and supposedly hiding them away?

What are the consequences of these two approaches?  The first one is that you can surrender completely to your emotions, losing control to the tsunami of emotion and perhaps physically or emotionally hurt others.   Inappropriate words can be as hurtful as inappropriate actions.  Our surrendering to hurtful words, and sometimes even actions, usually leads to deep regret afterwards.  Is this a “default” setting. 

The second one is you can always shut down or stuff these negative feelings, pretending that they are not there, and be emotionally flat.  This may seem a more level-headed thing to do, except unresolved feelings do not go away.  They just remain in the dark, festering and mildly churning like bad food in one's stomach, until some provocative event occurs.  In that moment, all of the unresolved emotions come quickly to the surface and we "vomit" or explode on people, often those with whom we have strong emotional connections like family or friends.

Jose’s wife was routinely getting on him for not paying more attention to, and spending more time with, the children.  He would listen to her passively and then walk away.  He kept doing this until one day, his daughter Angela spoke to him in what he considered a disrespectful manner.  Even though she said it in a non-provocative way, he exploded emotionally, walked up to her with fists clenched, getting about six inches from her face, and started yelling at her about how disrespectful she was.  She burst into tears and ran away, afraid and hurt, even though he hadn’t touched her.  Jose immediately felt terrible.

A THIRD OPTION

The more healthy approach is to feel what you are feeling, but realizing that feelings indeed are not facts.  Such negative feelings can certainly serve that purpose and indicate to us and inform us that something is in fact wrong.  And it is not a matter of whether we should or shouldn’t feel them.  We can manage them by saying to ourselves that they are not us.  We can be in control of them.  We can think about why we are feeling a certain way and try to determine what that negative emotion is communicating to us about ourselves.

How can feelings be felt in a constructive way?  We can remove ourselves from a triggering event or situation and give ourselves a “time out,” and be alone for awhile.  We can talk to our spouse, a relative, or a friend, and vent.  Alone, we can cuss.   We can scream into a pillow or punch it a few times.  We can go for a walk and isolate ourselves for awhile and try to get perspective on what just happened.  We can write about it, and emotionally dump our feelings onto paper, and as such, out of us.  In fact, feeling the feeling and then getting it out of our system is very healthy.

Sometimes a situation arises in which there are negative feelings and emotions between two emotionally attached individuals, such as in a spousal relationship.  As we process why we are feeling a certain way or what is to be learned from the disagreement, this time of “sitting” with our negative emotions can be very instructive.  It is fine to not have everything resolved in a relationship at any particular time.  We must not think that we must try to repair the disharmony immediately.

Returning to the earlier story of Heather and the broken vase, exercising the Third Option, perhaps she could have pushed the vase behind a dresser where it would be out of the way, and then excused herself to a quiet place in the house—to cool down.  Later in the day, when the emotion had subsided, she could reflect on what changes need to be made in her life.  What could this negative experience and negative emotions teach her.  Is she getting enough support in parenting?  Is she getting enough sleep?  Is it time to change the naptime dynamic?  Or is something deeper going on?  Maybe she is treating others about as well as she subconsciously believes she should be treated.  Or is it that she feels out of control and disrespected which implies that she secretly fears that she does not deserve to be respected?  Could it be that her anger came when she felt threatened in some deep way? 

Negative feelings and emotions are a feedback mechanism that can inform us that some aspect of our lives needs to be changed.  They are the way the Universe or God helps us to get to our “whole place.”  And there is always a Third Option to get us to that “whole place” rather than surrendering ourselves to the tsunami of those feelings or stuffing them.