What
Is Trauma’s Fawn Response (People Pleasing & Appeasing)
Fight, Flight,
Freeze are common terms most people have heard of. However, few have heard of
Fawn.
What is Fawning?
Fawning is a
response or reaction to trauma where the goal is to please others and be others
focused.
Trauma is an
experience or circumstance that overwhelms our bodies, brains, and nervous
system because of the possibility of death, violence, loss, and more.
Pete Walker
coined the term fawn and defines it through the following: “The Fawn response
is one of four defensive reactions to ongoing trauma. Those who fawn tend to
put the needs and wants of others ahead of themselves at the cost of the health
of their own egos, and the protection of and compassion for themselves.”
From: http://www.pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm
Common Issues For Fawners
·
Feeling unsafe,
fearful, and attempting to reduce these feelings by forfeiting their needs,
boundaries, and desires for others
·
Deferring to
others
·
Attempting to
read or pick up on others’ emotions and feelings
·
Feeling exhausted
when around new people and/or in new social situations
·
Needing time and
space away after spending long periods of time with others to recharge
·
Relinquishing
their needs and focusing on others’ needs
·
Codependency
(there is no me, there is only a we)
·
Poor boundaries
in relationship with self and others (difficulty saying no)
·
People pleaser
(anxiety around upsetting others or being an inconvenience)
·
Allowing others
to walk over them
·
Lack of a sense
of Self (e.g. self-esteem, self worth)
·
Lack of
connection to one’s emotions and feelings
·
Difficulty having
desire, fun, and playing
·
Dislikes
spontaneity
·
Feeling lonely,
invisible, and disconnected from others
·
Shame (I am bad)
·
Guilt (I did
something bad)
·
Self attack,
criticism, demand, and judgement
·
Anxiety
Common Type Of Fawners
·
Successful in
career and school, though relationships are difficult
·
Externally
focused (e.g. image, body, weight, awards, money)
o Seeks external validation, though a temporary fix
·
Emotionally
exhausted due to the internal work they do to please others and maintain the
peace (doing the double the work)
o Thinking of others
o Thinking of others’ reactions
o Thinking of others’ reactions to what they said
o Playing out possible scenarios that could happen
·
Over functioners
(constantly working, reading, exercising, distracting from the internal)
·
Highly anxious
and worried about the “What ifs?”
·
Hyper vigilant
(mistrustful, difficulty trusting others, difficultly feeling safe in their
body)
·
Fearful of
rejection and abandonment
·
High levels of
shame and guilt
o I am bad
o I did something bad
·
Often taught
conditional love and in turn believers in conditional love vs. unconditional
love
o If I am X, I will be loved
o If I do X, I will earn love
·
Difficulty
accepting and receiving love (sabotages or mistrusts people who are open and
giving with their love)
·
Lives in
scarcity, rather than abundance (thoughts tend to be
negative/pessimistic/catastrophic)
Learning A Fawn Response Occurs Due To
·
Fear of chaos and
conflict
o Learning that conflict = bad and peace = good. Attempting
to maintain the peace whenever possible.
·
Fear of abuse
o If I clean my room and do the dishes, maybe I won’t be
abused
·
Fear of neglect
o If I get good grades and stay quiet and obedient, I won’t
be too much for others
·
Experiencing
hyper criticism and judgement growing up
o Short term motivation through demand, criticism, and
judgement
o Not very often feeling wanted, seen, loved, and valued
·
Impossible
standards and unrealistic expectations
o A way to regulate emotions and feel more in control
·
Double bind
o Feeling stuck (If I do this, I’m screwed, if I do this
other thing, I’m also screwed)
·
Fear of others
being angry at them
o Anger is bad
o Anger might signal something bad might happen (e.g. abuse
or conflict) so best to avoid it
How to Heal From The Fawn Response
Fawning is an
adaptive coping skill/tool that helps people survive. People are just trying to
live, get their needs met, and exist.
However,
sometimes, these skills/tools are continually used when there is no longer the
danger of trauma, violence, or loss and thus becomes maladaptive or
unhelpful.
Some Ways To Heal From Fawning Include
·
Engaging in inner child work and re-parenting
·
Being aware of
fawning
·
Having language
for fawning
·
Audio, verbal,
and written reminders that you are indeed safe in the moment (if you are indeed
safe at home or wherever you feel more control of)
o I am safe right now in this moment
o It is the year 2022
o It is 3:08 p.m.
o It is Monday
o I am 22 years old
o All the doors in my room are locked
·
Prioritizing your
own needs and putting yourself first
·
Befriending your
fawning part (getting to know
it well rather than getting rid of it and pushing it away)
o Making a list of how fawning has not served/helped you in
life
o Making a list of how fawning has served/helped you in life
o Thanking it for helping you survive
o Communicating with the fawning part that it might not need
to help you now because right now in the present moment, you are indeed safe,
worthy, and okay (if you are in a safe place and feel good)
·
Understanding you
are not responsible for others’ emotions or happiness
·
Establishing
healthy boundaries
o Where did I learn boundaries from?
o Who taught me boundaries?
o Was it healthy boundaries? Was it unhealthy?
o Types of boundaries
§ Counterdependence (I don’t need anyone and self-rely)
§ Codependence (I need you all the time, I can’t be alone and
rely on others)
§ Interdependence (I need you sometimes and I can also rely
on myself at other times)
·
Learning to say
no and slowly becoming comfortable with it
o Practice, practice, and start slow with those you trust and
love
·
Being comfortable
with conflict
o This takes time as well; practice, practice, and start slow
with those you trust and love
·
Being comfortable
with feeling angry
o This takes time as well; practice, practice
·
Understand your
Window Of Tolerance and when you are feeling emotionally dsyregulated
(triggered)
o Am I hyperaroused or hypoaroused?
§ Hyperaroused: Irritable, angry, anxious, jittery,
ruminating thoughts, blame, feeling deeply and intensely, overwhelmed, feeling
hot in my body, racing heart beat.
§ Hypoaroused: Slowing down, disassociation, floating outside
of my body, feeling not here in the moment, feeling frozen, shut down.
o What do I need when I am triggered? How can I regulate/calm
myself down?
o How long am I triggered for on average?
o What tends to happens before I am triggered?
o What tends to happen during a trigger?
o What tends to happen after I am triggered?
·
Becoming more
comfortable with your body (sensations, feelings, tensions)
o Where do I notice feeling angry?
o Where do I notice feeling tense?
o Where do I notice feeling scared?
o How does my body store anxiety?
o How can I discharge/release/let go of these sensations?
·
Having a
different reaction when under pressure instead of fawning (cognitive,
bodily/somatic)
o Example: Instead of succumbing under pressure and taking
care of someone else’s needs, focus on your own internal experience and do the
opposite (or slowly learn to do the opposite) such as: saying no, taking a
break, practicing compassion, asking for what you need, etc.
o When we fawn, we have a somatic reaction/sensation inside.
Get to know your reactions.
·
Seek professional
help from a licensed therapist
Questions to Ask Yourself During A Conflict/Fight
·
Am I being honest
with myself (and the other person)?
·
Am I over
explaining and over apologizing as a habit and to please someone else?
·
Am I taking over
responsibility for what is not my responsibility?
·
Am I trying to
leave this fight/conflict as quickly as possible to seek relief from my
discomfort?
·
What’s the worst
thing that would happen if I asked for what I needed and focused on myself?
