FANOS--An Opportunity for Emotional Connection

FANOS

In spousal-type relationships, there are two types of intimacy: physical and emotional.  Physical intimacy takes place when two people feel a sexual attraction to each other and seek to explore that with their physical bodies.  Acting on this physical connection is an important "glue" for most couples seeking to spend time together.  It is a challenge to use this glue in meaningful and thoughtful ways throughout a relationship.

What often is the greater challenge of couple relationships, however, is to experience emotional connection, that feeling of honoring each other, that we are  afe with each other, that I understand you and you understand me, and that each of us has wants and needs that are equally valid.  Without emotional connection, whether it be through selfishness or ego, addiction, dissatisfaction, or any number of reasons, it can get in the way of a couple experiencing a fulness of joy.

I have found a tool that has helped many couples reestablish emotional connection, or start the journey of finding, establishing, and nurturing that sweet connection.  It helps to build emotional intimacy ('in-to-me-you-see") that creates that connection.  The tool is known by an acronym--FANOS.  This is a couples emotional check-in using subjects based upon these letters:

• F eelings
• A ffirmations
• N eeds
• O wnership
• S truggles

Both partners need to be willing to do this emotional exercise.  They need to be invested in the relationship and be willing to be as vulnerable as they possibly can be, which may be scary as a couple begins using it.  Vulnerability can be challenging for one or both partners, if for no other reason than that they have felt hurt by their partner.  But this intimacy experiment can only work if both are willing to put themselves out there and take the risk.  As couples become more vulnerable, they can become more able to empathize, and empathy is a basic food for relationships to work and flourish.

I have found that the following 10 Step Strategy seems to work best, at least in the beginning of doing the FANOS exercise:

HOW TO FANOS

1. A couple decides ahead of time (ideally) upon 30 to 90 minutes, hopefully when there can be few interruptions (particularly children).  Think of it as an investment in your relationship.
2. At the appointed time, each asks the other if they are in a place where they can focus on each other.  If responses are positive, the sharing begins.
3. One of the couples shares with their partner 3-5 feelings they are currently experiencing.  These feelings can be about the speaker (his/her own emotional or physical state) or about those of the receiver.  If it about the receiver, it must needs be sent in an "I-message."
4. After the speaker is finished, the receiver then states verbatim or paraphrases what their partner has just said.  The idea for this is so that the listener must offer their full attention without thinking of a response (defeats the purpose).  Often, it's a good idea for the listener to ask the speaker, "did I get everything?" or "did I get it right?" (Note: the listener does not respond to what has been said, not matter what.)  The listener needs to listen, not rebut!
5. The speaker then becomes the listener and the listener becomes the speaker, and follows steps 3-4.  The new listener then repeats what the new speaker just said.
6. The listener then reverts back to being the speaker, and the speaker moves on to affirmations.  These ought to be 2-4 activities or attributes that they speaker admires or affirms in their partner.  It can be what the speaker admires in the listener's interactions with others, particularly children, or it can be in the interactions with the speaker, or just about anything!  After the speaker is finished, the listener repeats what was heard.
7. The speaker then becomes the listener and the listener becomes the speaker, and follows step 6.  You get the idea!
8. The next step is what the speaker needs.  These 3-5 needs can be what the speaker needs in general for one's wellbeing, or it can be what the speaker needs from the listener.  If it is the latter, it should also be stated in an "I-message."  The listener repeats what was heard and then they switch.
9. The next step is ownership.  These are usually 2-4 feelings or behaviors that the speaker knows is a personal weakness or shortcoming.  Again, it can be about his/her life in general or it can be about less- than-stellar interactions with the listener.  They own the problem.  The listener repeats and then they switch.
10. The last step in struggle.  This is to share the real difficulty that the speaker is experiencing being his/her best self.  Generally, this is usually 1-3 struggles.  If one or the other is struggling with some kind of addiction, the S of struggle can also stand for sobriety, and it can be a check-in with the partner as to how they are doing in sobriety and recovery.  Of course the listener repeats then switches again.

FANOS EXAMPLES

Feelings  (With all FANOS examples, there is usually more to be said than just the introductory line)

• "I am really feeling overwhelmed at work...."
• "The children have really been fighting a lot, and I find myself getting angry with them." 
• "I felt upset when you didn't come home until late last night."
• "I have been feeling underappreciated this past week."
• "I often feel fear about whether you are taking recovery seriously."
• "I have been feeling nauseated the past 24 hours and I don't know why."
• "Having your mom here is bringing up feelings of resentment in me."
• "I am feeling appreciation for how you have been paying extra attention to me recently."
• "I enjoyed our date last weekend."
• "I am feeling sad that we just can't seem to connect these days."

Notes about sharing feelings: 1) nobody can make us feel anything so don't say that; a person can act or react negatively towards us, but we are agents and can choose how we respond, 2) feelings aren't facts, they're just feelings, 3) eliminate as much "you" as possible as you share feelings and use "I" more often.

Notes about interactions between each another: 1) if the listener feels the need to get more information, he/she can request it,  2) while the listener may disagree with what the speaker has just said, the listener is to faithfully repeat what has just been heard, 3) try to be present for your partner in order to review with them what they just said, 4) ultimately, one of the major purposes of FANOS is the opportunity to be heard by your partner.

Affirmations

• "You have been extra nice the past few days.  Thank you."
• "I can tell you're making an effort to spend more time with the kids."
• "I appreciate the effort you make each day to give me encouragement."
• "You did a great job cleaning out the garage on Saturday."
• "I really like those new pants you bought last week."
• "I find that I am enjoying spending more time with you."
• "I want to acknowledge and thank you for putting the dishes in the dishwasher."
• "I appreciated the delicious dinner you made last Sunday."
• "You were really present with the kids yesterday."
• "You are doing a real great job with the garden."

Needs   there is usually more to be said than just an introductory line)

• "I need recognition from my boss that I chose to work extra all last week to finish a project."
• "I need for you to be honest with me."
• "I feel the need to stop walking on eggshells around your parents."
• "I need to have fewer salads at dinner."
• "I need to feel appreciated more often."
• "I need to have a discussion about our sexual intimacy in the near future."
• "I need help keeping the house clean because I am feeling overwhelmed these days."
• "I feel like we're drowning in debt and I need for us to set up a time when we can discuss my anxiety."
• "I need some time away to process some things."
• "I want us to be more connected, and I want/need us to FANOS each week."

Ownership

• "I take ownership over my financial issues with spending."
• "It has become very apparent to me that I have an anger problem."
• "I own that I am having a real difficult time not checking your phone."
• "I own that I have grown tired of failing over and over again."
• "I own that I am easily triggered when I perceive you being critical of my house work."
• "I am constantly reminded of my shortcomings as a mother."
• "I own that my ego gets in the way of our relationship."
• "I own that I sometimes take what you do for granted."
• "I own that I feel like I am being attacked by you when that is not your motivation."
• "I take ownership that I become very codependent with the kids."

Struggle  (or Sobriety, if in addiction recovery)

• "It's really hard to not feel completely overwhelmed by our bad financial situation."
• "I struggle with my feelings of inadequacy at work."
• "I struggle to not have intrusive suicidal thoughts."
• "It is clearly a struggle for me to not play the victim in our relationship."
• "I have reached 60 days of sobriety, but it's really hard some days."
• "I struggle to not go on the defensive in our conversations."
• "It's really hard these days for me to give up my dream of a home."
• "I struggle to find motivation to do things these days that I used to enjoy doing before."
• "I struggle to make time to exercise and do other things to take care of myself."
• "I struggle to be present in the moment and not to be anxious about the future."

FANOS is an emotional exercise that can be done regularly.  Usually, in the beginning, I recommend that the couple set aside a fixed day and time (or more than one day or time) each week and that they keep that time sacred for this dialogue.  FANOS really is an opportunity for emotional connection!