Getting Back On The Horse

Many begin the process of addiction recovery with high expectations and high hopes. Many have decided that "the pain of addiction is greater than the pain of recovery" and want to take steps to finally rid themselves of their addictive behavior.

(NOTE:  Even though the topic here concerns addiction recovery, the ideas apply to any unwanted behavior)

They may have been been given an ultimatum from their partner.  They may have been advised by someone to seek help.  They may have lost someone very important to them as a result of their addictive tendencies.  They may have tired of the secrecy and double life they have had to live to maintain their addiction.

So they begin to attend a support group.  They begin seeking therapeutic help from a therapist versed in addiction recovery.  They begin reading recovery literature.  They begin regular consultations with an ecclesiastical leader.  They are on the road to sobriety.

In many cases, through sheer willpower, known as "white knuckling," they achieve some sobriety.  Triggers to engage in the addictive behavior may recede for a time.  They may be filling their head with recovery.  This can be a hopeful time. 

But inevitably, something occurs, prompting well known thoughts and feelings to arise. Seemingly, all of the positive expectations melt away under the heat of the desire to return to the addictive behavior.  The positivity is replaced with pessimism and there is a feeling of helplessness.  The once hopeful addiction warrior has fallen off of his/her horse.

Having fallen off the horse, the focus often is placed on the addictive act rather than on what took place before that led up to the act.  The reality is that the addictive act was symptomatic, the final link in a chain of previous thoughts and feelings. Whether due to triggers or due to engaging in "slippery slope" thinking and/or behaviors, there was a specific moment in which the warrior had the thought to engage in the addictive behavior. 

Nearly all of the literature indicates, and nearly all those who work with people with addictions agree, that most warriors will sooner or later fall off their horse on the road to sobriety and recovery.  It just happens!  But that doesn't mean that all is lost!  It doesn't mean that there is no hope for sobriety!  It certainly doesn't mean the warrior is a loser! All it means is that the warrior fell off the horse!

A difference needs to be made between "slip ups" and "relapses" for the warrior who sincerely wants to put an end to the addictive behaviors and has amassed some sobriety time, however modest.  A "slip up" can happen when he/she willfully but disappointedly engages in the addiction.  A "slip up" can happen when something unexpectedly occurs that prompts him/her to "go to the dark side."  A "slip up" can take place when a loved one says or does something that really hurts, physically or emotionally, and, unable to handle the inner turmoil. the warrior engages in the addiction.  In other words, the "slip up," while unwanted, is a disappointment, but it is part of the sobriety process.  And falling off the horse hurts!

Relapses, however, are tied to hopelessness.  They can occur as the result of repeated failures to achieve some extended sobriety time. The warrior feels like a failure. Relapses can take place when the warrior forgets to focus on the process and only sees their failure to achieve the end result of sobriety.  They happen when instead of focusing on the behavior, they look at themselves--who they are--and see themselves as excrement with the accompanying self-loathing.  Relapses occur when "the pain of recovery is greater than the pain of addiction" and he/she decides that the journey requires too much.  In a relapse, not only has the warrior fallen off of the horse, he/she sees no reason to get back on it! 

In either case, the goal needs to be to get back on the horse and start riding again.  Those who relapse have to decide that it is worth the trouble; whether they want to put themselves through the process again.  It may take time for them to find and regain hope. If the act was viewed as a "slip up," he/she needs to own what has happened and focus on a hopeful, brighter future.

But before mounting the horse again, a careful study must be made to determine what happened in the first place; a "post-mortem" so to speak.  

What event prompted the original thought to engage in the addictive behavior?  What feelings or thoughts came crashing down like a tsunami that overwhelmed the warrior? Were these feelings or thoughts familiar ones from their past, or did they catch the warrior off guard?  What circumstances were present that allowed the behavior to take place?  What precautions were or were not taken to maintain sobriety?  What can be learned from the circumstances of what happened?

Answering these questions might lead to more opportunities to look at in-depth, underlying reasons for the act.  They can lead to seeing unresolved issues from growing up years. They can lead to understanding better what emotional core issues manifested in the act. But dealing with these deeper issues is for another day!  

The important thing to do in the moment is to get back on the horse and begin riding again, accumulating sobriety time and confidence once again, armed with greater understanding as to what happened, and the decision as to what to do if the original thought and circumstances occur again. 

Getting back on the horse takes great courage.  It takes faith in one's self and faith in the process.  It takes being aware of circumstances that can lead to falling off the horse again.  It takes discipline and hard work, but it is very worth it!

How to Stop Playing the Victim Game

I have written about the Drama Triangle on this Blog.  One of the roles played in the DT is that of a VICTIM.  In this very worthwhile article, published in Psychology Today on April 20, 2013 by Robert Firestone, PhD, he identifies this role, why people choose the victim role including how anger figures in it, and how to choose not to play that role.  I hope it is beneficial to you.

Many people adopt the victim role, albeit unintentionally, because they are afraid of their anger, deny its existence in themselves, project it onto other people, and anticipate aggression or harm from them. With this expectation and a high sensitivity to anger in others, they may even distort other people’s facial expressions, imagining that they have malicious intentions. The anger that they would have experienced in response to frustration or stress is transformed into fear and distrust of others and into feelings of being hurt or wounded.

People who become mired down in feeling victimized tend to view events in their lives as happening to them and feel ineffective and overwhelmed. They also operate on the basic assumption that the world should be fair, which is a child’s way of thinking. They tend to project the circumstances of their early childhood, where they were indeed helpless, onto present-day situations and relationships, and fail to recognize that, as adults, they have far more power than they had as children.

There are ways to shift from the victimized stance, characterized by passivity and behaviors based on negative power, to a more adult stance characterized by active coping and personal power.  People can become aware of and identify specific destructive thoughts – critical inner voices  that promote victimized feelings; and they can take steps to develop more constructive approaches to dealing with their anger.

Identifying Critical Inner Voices that Promote a Victimized Orientation to Life  

To move out of the victimized posture, it is important to identify critical inner voices that focus on injustices, such as “It’s not fair. This shouldn’t be happening to you. What did you ever do to deserve such treatment?” These destructive thoughts encourage passivity and helplessness while discouraging actions that could change an unhappy or untenable situation.

Low-grade anger and distrust are aroused in people whenever they are “listening” to voices telling them that others dislike them or do not care about them or their interests. “They never take your feelings into consideration. Who do they think they are?”  “People just don’t give a damn.”

In the work setting, many people have resentful attitudes based on voices telling them that they are being exploited: “Your boss is a real jerk! Nobody sees how much you contribute.” “No one appreciates you.” “Why do they always get all the breaks?”  Similarly, voices that advise individuals that they are victims of mistreatment by others contribute to feelings of being disrespected or persecuted, for example, “They’re going to make a fool of you. They don’t respect you.” The feelings generated by these ruminations lead to inward brooding, righteous indignation, and a desire for revenge. Recognizing and challenging negative voices is the major way to overcome a victimized orientation. 

Constructive Approaches for Dealing with Anger

First, it is important to emphasize that anger is a simple, irrational emotional response to frustration and does not require any justification; it is O.K to just feel whatever one feels. The degree of anger is proportional to the degree of frustration rather than to the logic or rationality of the circumstances.  When people attempt to rationalize their anger and then feel victimized, they get stuck in the angry feelings in a way that leads to an unpleasant kind of brooding that alienates others and is dysfunctional.

Therefore, in terms of action, people need to drop certain words from their vocabulary that they may be using to justify their anger, words like "fair," "should," "right," and "wrong." In a relationship, the term “should” often implies obligation. For example, someone who says, “Because we’re together (married), my partner ‘should’ love me, ‘should’ take care of me, ‘should’ make love to me” is operating from a victimized position. When people tie their feelings of frustration to the expectation that someone is obliged to satisfy them, victimized, paranoid feelings inevitably arise.

By challenging these habitual ways of speaking, individuals will discover a different form of communication that involves taking full responsibility for their feelings and actions and yet leaves them free to explore alternatives.  In an intimate relationship, partners can learn to talk about their anger in a non-dramatic tone and admit any feelings of being victimized. This type of communication is less likely to arouse counter-aggression and enables people to deal with their anger in a way that causes the least amount of pain to one another.

It would be constructive for people who typically express their anger in righteous indignation or victimized brooding to relinquish the basic assumption that they are innocent victims of fate. It would also be important for them to give up a sense of entitlement and to recognize that they do not inherently deserve to receive anything in the way of good treatment from others. It is more adaptive to accept the idea that the world does not owe them anything—neither a living or happiness or nice surroundings. Taking the victimized position that one is entitled to something better contributes to feelings of being cheated that, in turn, exacerbate a sense of helplessness and impotent rage.

Taking action to change situations with which one is unhappy directly challenges a victimized orientation. For example, if one feels stuck in a bad relationship or a seemingly untenable work situation, one can explore oneself to determine if one’s passivity has had more to do with the situation than one thought, and then strive to be more proactive and self-assertive. It is also wise to avoid complaining about these unfavorable situations to others in a style that "dumps" the problem on the listener. In one’s interactions, it is crucial to become more aware of the distinction between sympathy and empathy, and to stop asking for or giving sympathy. Expressing sympathy as well as trying to elicit sympathetic responses from another person are damaging in that both reinforce victimized thinking.

In accepting angry emotions in oneself, one is less likely to act them out destructively or to adopt the role of victim.  Ideally, rather than suppress or deny the emotion of anger, one would acknowledge angry responses while clearly distinguishing between feelings and actions.  As people give up victimized attitudes and acknowledge anger as a basic part of their nature, they are able to choose how to express angry feelings in ways that are constructive, ethical, and aligned with their best interests and goals. The self‑limiting, victimized perspective no longer controls them or their lives.

"HOW TO STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM GAME by Robert Firestone, PhD in Psychology Today 4-30-13