Embracing Our Dark Side

               Western society and western religions teach us to remain positive.  The concept is to attempt to focus totally on the positive, the light aspects of ourselves, denying the dark and negative attributes we all possess, and are afraid to acknowledge in ourselves.

                In our entirety, we are a composite.  That means that we are both light and dark.  The character of Luke Skywalker in Star Wars is an archetypal representation of this composite.  To deny or repress the darkness within us is to deny a divine part of Self.  In Luke Skywalker’s case, it ultimately was to face his "dark side" in opposition to his Jedi self.

                Life is polarized.  The universe and its laws are polarized.  There is hot and cold, heavy and light, strong and weak, Light and Dark.  In our discussion, the Light represents what we see in life as good and positive, while the Dark represents what we see as bad and negative.  As we experience life through this polarity, this opposition in all things, it is natural to split everything into two camps of Light and Dark.

Why Embrace the Dark?        

In essence, our mission is to transcend this polarity by having compassion on ourselves, by loving ourselves unconditionally, which allows us to see the power and purpose of everything, especially both the Light and the Dark.  Such compassion and unconditional love allow us to see the positive in the negative, where there is no right or wrong.  It is the process of bringing Light into the Dark.

                Such compassion and unconditional love for ourselves allow us to view the Dark in a completely different manner.  In this mindset, we see that the Dark is not simply “bad”, but a place that requires love, healing and attention.  The Dark is a place where Light has yet to reach—it is an absence of Light.  As we endeavor to heal our darkness, we are offered great, explosive opportunities for growth, which lead to greater inner happiness.  Therefore, negative traits are really positive ones in disguise!  They are strengths disguised as weaknesses.

                The Dark provides the space for self-discovery.  By turning one’s attention to a part of ourselves that needs healing, we are focusing our Light on that Dark attribute.  What happens when a light is turned on in a dark room?  The darkness is immediately transmuted into light.  The dark does not fight back.  The Dark has no power over the Light.  It is only our fear of the Dark that energizes it further.  By gifting compassion and love to ourselves, we can turn any Dark facet we encounter into the higher frequency of Light.

How Is Darkness Recognized and Embraced?

                Embracing our dark side first requires us to not fear the darkness within us.  When we fear a part of who we are, or who we might be (i.e., when we suppress our insecurities), we project it onto another.  One way of spotting whether we are not embracing darkness and denying that part within us can be seen through how we judge others.  When we point a finger at another and label them as “evil” or “power-hungry” or “egotistical,” in truth we are denying a part of ourselves.  We have projected onto them.  For within each of us is the ability to be all of these qualities—we are all that is.  

If we heal those parts within us that are in pain (i.e., the insecurities), then we become compassionate, and understand that the other person requires healing themselves.  However, if we are in denial about our own insecurities and have not healed them or understood them, then we will usually find them in another.  Judging others is truly revelatory of those negative traits within us. 

  

Do we deny these traits, thereby allowing them to fester and grow?  Or do we see the importance of these virtues in teaching us valuable lessons about ourselves, thereby allowing us (and them) to grow?

When we feel a negative emotion or thought, it is important that we do not attempt to ignore it.  This may seem like a paradox because we are persistently told not to dwell on the negative.  Nevertheless, it is important to maintain positive thoughts in order to have this reflected in our outer reality and to learn love of self.  However, as we endeavor to be positive, it is our responsibility to deal with the negative parts (i.e., our insecurities) that we already possess.

As an example, look at a woman who strives to live her life positively.  Every day she endeavors to maintain positive thoughts and to be nice to those around her.  Assume that this woman is having a lot of trouble with her partner who belittles her about everything she does.  She does not want to be negative or cause tension and as such ignores the anger that is swelling within her at the way she is being treated.

This is a common situation among those who in an effort to be positive ignore the negative.  Without ever realizing it, by approaching life in this manner she has polarized to the other extreme—to the Light.

In this case, the woman is forgoing her own happiness in an effort to be “nice.”  She believes she is being positive by ignoring her anger, and might even consider it a virtue, but in reality she is suppressing her anger—her darkness.  This suppressed anger will then turn sour, like bad food in the stomach, and can affect other areas of her life.  When she ignores a negative attribute that emerges, she is ignoring the Dark within her that requires Light, that requires love of herself.  It is as if she is distancing herself from her true self.  Learning to love herself compassionately and unconditionally means loving all parts of herself.

By applying the power of compassion and unconditional love to all areas of our lives we see that there is purpose to both the Light and the Dark.  In the case of the woman above, she may see that her anger is a message from her soul saying, “This part of me needs to be healed!”  Compassion allows her to see the purpose in her Dark aspect as she uses awareness to evaluate what her pain is trying to tell her.  Maybe it is teaching her to be more resilient or to stand up for herself.  Ultimately, the feeling or thought reveals that there is a part within that is in pain and requires love and attention.  Using awareness, the Dark is transformed into Light; ignorance is transformed into understanding and wisdom.

Expressing and Releasing Your Dark Side

Embracing and releasing negative emotions are crucial processes both spiritually and psychologically.  The process of acknowledging and healing an insecurity can change our entire life experience.  Our subconscious mind affects every thought, feeling, and action as it draws on our beliefs of the world to help us interact with it.  Therefore, the fewer insecurities we harbor, the more confident, free, and happy we can be.

As has been stated, it is imperative that we do not ignore or suppress any part of ourselves.  The questions then arises as to how we actually deal with our darkness, for the main problem we face is that we do not desire to be negative or hurt another’s feelings in releasing our own. 

Encountering a negative emotion or thought—our darkness—we can undertake a thought process:

·         We acknowledge that we are feeling a negative thought, a negative energy

·         We give ourselves permission to feel the darkness

·         We allow ourselves to think about embracing the “Dark” in our thoughts, even imagining our behavior should we act on the darkness

·         We choose to not act on the darkness but to shine “Light” on it

·         We ask ourselves why the emotion has emerged

·         We ask ourselves if someone else is involved in our emotional turbulence.

Let’s look at Paul and Amy.  Paul is angry and feels overwhelmed by Amy’s energy.  He feels that Amy unloads her problems but does not seem to have time to listen to his problems.  Paul becomes increasingly upset and feels taken advantage of, but believes that saying something would be confrontational.

To begin, Paul can acknowledge that he is experiencing negative energy, and can give himself permission to feel it.  He can think, or even daydream, about actions he might undertake as he feels the “Dark” within, such as imagining that she has been restrained in a chair and must listen to him rant, even to the point of her crying, then smiling at her pain.  Because he loves and cares for her, he obviously chooses not to act on the darkness, but acknowledges that it is a part of who he is—his Self.  This shines Light onto it.

It is spiritually conducive for Paul’s growth to look within himself for the reasons he is feeling this way and not blame Amy for it; only something unhealed within us (a darkness) causes us to attack.  Such pain or darkness can only be felt if it is within us to begin with.   As Paul acknowledges his darkness and exposes it to the Light within him, borne of self-compassion and unconditional love, he would not be harmed by this external conflict for there is nothing within him open to harm.

In our example, Paul can ask himself , “why is the situation affecting me?”  Is the situation a lesson from the Universe or his soul telling him to listen to himself more?  Is Paul distracting himself from his own life by observing others’ problems and thereby ignoring his own life?  It is all very well to be concerned about others, but if we feel adversely, then we can know that something within us isn’t right.

Another lesson is for Paul to honor his own power and express himself compassionately.  As he looks within, it is important for Paul to inform Amy of how he feels, in a loving way.   Perhaps Amy may have something to learn from this; maybe it is a Dark part of her and she needs to listen more to others.  

By forcing ourselves to not express anything “bad” will only energize that emotion or thought further.  A negative emotion—a darkness within us—is only “bad” if we deem it to be so.  This is more polarity thinking!  By becoming compassionate and loving of ourselves, we can begin to see the positive in everything.  We acknowledge and express to ourselves the dark emotion or thought, and then release it, allowing it to be exposed to our “Light,”  We use our awareness and love to heal it, acknowledging to ourselves that we are developing a new learned strength!

It is important to release the emotion or thought before it becomes anger.  Anger is an energy that establishes blame, either on the perpetrator or on the recipient.  In essence, it is a belief that someone needs to victimize or is being victimized.  The subconscious mind can only read this as “I victimize people or people victimize me, giving others power over me.  I am weak!”  This thinking will likely permeate many thoughts, feelings, and actions in our lives.  The more we practice embracing and expressing what we feel, the more skilled we become at highlighting, and rapidly healing, the Dark within us.  Subsequently, we become more confident, secure, and happy.

 

Ways to Release Darkness

A very effective way to release our darkness is to write about it.  When we write our angry or upset words, we energetically release these words and allow them to come to the “Light” in our consciousness.   Too often, the thoughts and emotions that roam around in our heads are cluttered, chaotic, and formless.  As this happens, we can easily lose sight of what we are actually feeling.  This allows the emotion to constantly consume us and never be released.  Putting a pen or pencil to paper allows us to observe what we are feeling and thinking, letting the emotion out and releasing it.  (A pencil is arguably better because we can “bear down” or exert pressure on the pencil onto the paper, allowing strong emotion to flow through us onto our hand and be expressed through literal, physical, darker than normal words on the paper.)

Another way to release is through exercise.  It is an excellent method to release stored negativity.  By stimulating the physical body, we speed up the energy flow within and force negativity out of our normal positive states of being.  Some of have said that negativity is a “heavy vibration” and that our natural, usually happy and contented states are “high vibration.”  Running or even sprinting, kick-boxing,  hitting a punching bag, martial arts, swimming,  or even working hard in the “yard” are effective ways to release negativity.  And it really feels good afterwards!

Yet another way to release is through individual therapy or counseling.  This should be more than ranting about what is negative in one’s life.  It requires acknowledging our own darkness, not the perceived darkness of others or of situations.  It can be a safe environment in which to explore the underlying reasons of pain in one’s life, to explore why the actions of others affect one so greatly.    Making the connection between their behavior and our responses is not only insightful but also liberating.  A thoughtful therapist who recognizes his/her own darkness can help a person to identify his/her darkness, and can explore possible ways to embrace then release the various aspects of it.

  The darkness within us is a manifestation of pain within.   Luke Skywalker had to face the pain of his "dark side" in order to fully become a Jedi. Through embracing our "dark side," we offer love, healing, and Light to those parts of us, remembering that those parts of us are who we are in our entirety.  The more we face and love all parts of ourselves, the more connected, compassionate, and loving we will be to ourselves and to others around us.  Honoring our feelings, our whole selves, is a transformative, liberating experience.  It is the way to embrace the sacred beings that we already are!

The Fourth Step & My Son

For those readers who don't know, I am a psychotherapist who specializes in, but is not limited in my scope of practice, to sexual addiction.  I meet with people who often are powerless over their "inappropriate" sexual activities and whose lives have become quite unmanageable as a result. If that wording seems vaguely familiar, it is a paraphrase of the First Step of the Twelve Steps to Recovery.

From 2009 through 2012, I was involved with the LDS Church's Addiction Recovery Program (ARP).  Similar to Alcoholics Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, and other addiction recovery programs, the ARP ultilizes in its group meetings the Twelve Steps to Recovery that the "Anonymous" world uses, only with an LDS spin. During this time, I led multiple "addicts" groups.

It was while I was involved with leading ARP groups that I came to really understand the Twelve Steps of Recovery.  Although the LDS Twelve Steps are slightly different than those used by AA, NA, SA, etc., the basic ideas are the same.  I came to understand the importance of the Twelve Steps, be they LDS or not.  I came to understand how important and necessary each Step is.  I came to understand the importance of their sequence. Perhaps most importantly, I came to understand their power in the lives of those who really "work the Steps."

This latter understanding was reconfirmed once again as I recently spoke again with my son about his recovery from chemical addiction (specifically heroin). I am so proud that he has four years' sobriety, as of last week. I know that sobriety does not always mean recovery; real recovery occurs when when the "addict" comes to understand the reasons underlying their addictive behaviors, and takes measures to deal with those issues. In his case, real recovery is occuring.

Happily and gratefully, my son is gaining ever increasing understanding about those underlying reasons.  He was ignorant of them during his thirteen years or so of chemical addiction, and it wasn't until he reached "rock bottom" and checked into the rehab in San Pedro, California, called Beacon House, that he was really introduced to them.  It wasn't until he fully opened himself to them that significant progress was made. He opened up to the possibility that his best thinking wasn't working; that he didn't have the answers; that if he didn't change course soon he would either be in prison or dead. (His words!)

He credits his intense work with the Twelve Steps, the literature of recovery, the staff and director of the Beacon House, his therapist, and God, for his progress thus far. He also credits being able to serve, and work with, new arrivals for helping confirm his new path.  But any recovering addict will tell you, however, that recovery is "one day at a time," and my son understands that completely. 

Because he and I share a great love and appreciation for the Twelve Steps, our recent discussion for me seemed to center on the importance in his recovery (and may I say, it must be in every Twelve Step adherent's recovery) of a fearlessly honest Fourth Step.  That step reads in the LDS Twelve Steps (it's almost identical to the non-LDS Fourth Step):

Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.

It involves being brutally honest about yourself, beginning in one's early years and continuing to the present.  It involves introspectively looking at one's behaviors, one's thoughts, one's environment, one's poor choices, and writing it all down. Done correctly, one's life is laid bare in all its dysfunction, and the painful scenarios almost always begin in one's childhood.

With the help of others who had been through the process as "addicts" themselves and who knew when someone wasn't going "deep enough" into their Fourth Step family of origin issues, he came to realize just how dysfunctional he had become as an adult as a result of unresolved childhood issues.  He came to understand how deep those issues were.  He came to see that this process was his chance to make a significant change in his life. He also came to realize that ultimately he could not effect this profound change without God's help, because his own best thinking had not produced a good life.

That brutally honest Fourth Step made all the difference for him.  It helped create a kind of road map for him to follow on his journey to recovery. He finally began to reconstruct his life with God's help and the help of supporters at the Beacon House. 

The Beacon House staff encouraged him to have very limited contact with his mother and me--and for that matter, his siblings--because of the dynamics uncovered in his Fourth Step. That work involved putting me and the rest of our family dynamics "under a microscope."  Even after four years, my contact with him is on his terms, rarely more than once a month, as he continues to work through his family of origin issues that powered his addiction.  

Our recent conversation about the Fourth Step and family of origin issues was somewhat difficult for me because I felt that even though he was ultimately responsible for his addictive acting-out, I was part of the dysfuction. I had to own the concept that I had my own inadequecies as he was growing up--my own stuff--and that my own stuff sometimes got in the way of being the father that he needed me to be. I have beaten myself up about this in the past, and even though I have forgiven myself, it sometime still hurts to recognize what I did or didn't do for him. 

He owns the fact that, at the end of the day, he was/is responsible for addiction. Only he can do the heavy lifting of recovery work.  Only he can continue humbling himself and listening to veterans of the road to recovery. Only he can make wise, correct choices going forward.

But what a turn-around he has made!  His future is bright.  He is in the last semester of a four semester course at California State--Dominguez Hills University to become licensed to be a Drug & Alcohol Rehabilitation Counselor. 

I thank Bill W. and Dr. Bob for acting on their inspiration and authoring the Twelve Steps of Recovery so many years ago, ideas that have helped literally millions of people, and in particular, one person so dear to my heart.