Depression Doing the Thinking

It has been estimated that we have in the range of 25,000 to 50,000 thoughts a day.  If they are predominately negative, imagine how many negative thoughts you generate daily--thousands upon thousands.  That is the case with depression.

One of the features of depression is pessimistic thinking.  The negative thinking is actually the depression speaking.  It is what depression sounds like.  Depression, in fact, manifests in negative thinking before it creates negative affect.

Most depressed people are not aware that the despair and hopelessness they feel are flowing from their negative thoughts.  Thoughts are mistakenly seen as privileged, occupying a rarified territory, immune to being affected by mood and feelings, and therefore representing some immutable truth.  But feelings are not facts, they are just feelings.

Compounding the issue is that negative thinking slips into the brain under the radar of conscious awareness and becomes habitual.  People come to generate negative thoughts so automatically they are unaware that they are happening, and that most of the time it is actually a choice they are making.

One of the most powerful actions that can be taken to combat depression is to understand how critical the quality of your thinking is in maintaining, and even instensifying your depression--and that the quickest way to change how you feel is to change how you think.

Often enough you can't control how you feel, but you can almost always control how you think.  Thought-processing errors contribute so much to depressed mood.

It is possible to take action and to change patterns of thinking on your own, without necessarily turning to anti-depression medications.  Following are six action strategies that will bring results in breaking out of the negative thought patterns that maintain depression.

• Know that is possible to control the quality of your thinking.  Controlling the quality of your thoughts contributes more to how you feel than any other factor.  It is a rather widespread belief that you have to change your feelings in order to change how you think; it actually works just the opposite way.
• Keep track of how many negative thoughts you are actually having.  This is most easily accomplished by keeping a "thought journal."  You write down as many instances of negative thinking at the end of the day as you can remember. Write down names you call yourself, when you label yourself as worthless or helpless or hopeless.  Keep track of generalizations you make in which you take a singular bad event and project in onto the future.  Write down instances when you use terms like never or always, or when you think black and white thoughts.  It helps to ask a loved one or a trusted colleague to point out to you instances of negative thinking, and then record them.
• After getting an idea of the negative thinking and its frequency, identify the situations that trigger wuch thinking.  Writing them down helps you to focus and to be aware of your triggers.  Often,  certain types of events are particularly likely to set off a chain of negative thoughts, such as a perception of being ignored or not responded to, or a negative remark or an actual setback at work. 
• Practice converting negative to postive thinking.  Some people like to think of it as "flipping a switch."  Think of a light switch, and mentally switch it from the down position to the up--to the "light."
• Utilize a partnership strategy.  Tell your partner or trusted colleague that you think you are sounding too pessimistic in your thinking and that you want to be more optimistic.  Ask them to help you out be gently cueing you when you are sounding negative, and then asking you to instantly convert it to a positive statment.
• In keeping your diary of negative thinking, create a separate column for writing the corresponding positive thought.  "I'm too old" vs "I'm getting better and wiser with age."  If you do this for a few days, you will get the hang of converting negative to positive thinking.

              By Hara Estroff Marano, published on July 01, 2001, and edited, with original thoughts, by Robert E. Davis.

Doing the Uncomfortable Thing

If this makes you feel ill at ease, it does me also!  (This isn't my son.)

What would you do if you found needles for drug use in your son’s room, a son who had a history of drug use?

To further complicate matters, what would you do in that situation if you and your wife had established a rule that absolutely no alcohol or drugs were to be found or used in the home, and that the violator could no longer live in the home?

This was not theoretical; it was the awful reality for me.  It was my circumstance some five years ago with my son Robert.  I had to make a huge decision that would not only significantly impact him, but my other children, my wife, and me.

Robert had started smoking dope during junior high years.  He graduated to sniffing or huffing, to taking hallucinogens, and then to experimenting with other drugs.  At the time I discovered the needles, he was shooting up heroin.  Before he was 18, my wife and I had sent him out of state for over six months to a place for self-destructive boys.  He attended an outpatient rehab program, and then went into another inpatient rehab program for a couple of months in his mid-20s, but he was still acting out and used drugs to dull his emotional pain.  

I had found out that he had stolen my school books, precious coins and bills, and sold them, and had taken some blank checks and had written them to himself (because his name was also Robert) to get drug money.  He had caused my marriage to suffer as my wife and I wrestled with differing objectives as to how to deal with him and his drug use.  He was manipulating us to play on our fears and emotions.  His drug use had become the center of our family dynamic.

But here I was confronted with implementing a consequence for his behavior, a behavior that was clearly in violation of a rule my wife and I had agreed upon.  In that crucible moment, I had to decide whether to do the easier thing and what would have made me feel better and feel more compassionate, or whether to do the difficult, uncomfortable thing that in the end would be the best for him.

I realized the implications of following through with the consequence.  He was my son.  He even had my name.  I would not know where he would be spending that night, or other nights.  I would not know how he would survive financially.  I would be turning him out onto the mean streets of LA. 

Surely, I saw myself as kind and gentle.  Surely, I needed to protect him from those unknowns.  Surely, I needed to feel that I was a good father and taking care of my son.  Surely, I could feel good about being merciful by telling him that his behavior was unacceptable and would not be tolerated, and allow him to stay.  Surely, I didn’t want to be seen as hard-hearted.

But that would have made it more about me and what’s best for me, and not about him and what ultimately was best for him.

What would be best for him, and would make me uncomfortable, was to follow through with the consequence.  He needed to experience the consequence of his choice.  I hadn’t made a poor choice; he had.  What was best for him (and what I didn’t know at the time) was for him to experience those mean streets of LA in order to know that he definitely didn’t want to be there.  What was best for him was for me to focus on him and not on me.

So what did I finally do?  I faced my fears.  I faced the knot in my stomach.  I did what made me uncomfortable.  I did what ultimately was best for him.  Despite his protestations, I stood firm and said he had to leave and that he had to leave right then.

I will never forget how difficult it was to see him walk up those stairs and onto the street.  

I will never forget how my heart ached; how bad I felt.  

I will never forget the uncertainty of that moment.  

But I will never forget the difficult decision I made that terrible day to do what would ultimately lead him to seek help for his addiction.

My therapist at that period of time stated a truth that I embraced in that crucible event and have ultimately embraced in my life since then.  She said on multiple occasions, “If some action makes you feel comfortable, you probably ought not to do it.  And if the action makes you feel  uncomfortable, you probably ought to do it.”

As I have been delighted to document in this blog on previous occasions, Robert continues to stay clean and sober.  He will soon become a licensed Drug and Alcohol Rehabilitation Counselor.  He is on the staff of the Beacon House inpatient rehabilitation program, with full-time work and benefits.  He recently moved out of the Beacon House and into an apartment which he is furnishing largely by himself.  He possesses an emotional maturity beyond his years, understands the nature and importance of accountability, and understands what he can and can’t do in his recovery.

I wonder what would have happened if I had not done the difficult, uncomfortable, best thing for him that terrible day….  

My son Robert with his oldest sister, Rebecca, this past summer!

(This blog posting is now 7 years old.  Robert is now over 11 years clean and sober, married four years, and flourishing.  He continues to work at The Beacon House Rehab.)

A Long Time Ago

I can remember it clearly even though it happened over 50 years ago. Memories that endure are usually those that have some emotional aspect to them.  For that reason, this episode from my childhood must have profoundly impacted me and has stayed with me all of these years.

It occurred in the front yard of the home in which I grew up in Salt Lake City.  It must have been fall because the grass was still green and I was playing with a football. To be clear, I was playing football with myself; throwing the ball into the air and then catching it, like a quarterback throwing to a receiver.  I likely was pretending that I was Roy Jefferson, Ray Groth, Speedy Thomas, or some other University of Utah football player of that era.

My father had four season tickets for many years to U of U home football games that he or his company paid for.  He would give two of them away to different valuable customers, and would keep two for himself.  I guess Mom wasn't interested in going because she never did. 

I guess this was a way to do something five times a year with me.  He and I would sit eight rows up on about the 49 yard line, eating pistachios given us from the cigar-smoking fellow in front of us on the seventh row, on brisk autumn afternoons, and cheer for the Utes.

But on this afternoon, I was playing football with myself.  My siblings Tom and Darlene had long since married and were living elsewhere.  There were a few guys in the neighborhood that I would occasionally play with, but most of my free time outside of school and church was spent alone.  That was my reality.  It was just the way things were and I didn't know it could be any different.

That day, I asked my Dad if he could play catch with me.  I don't remember any reason that he gave, only that he said no.  Why not?

I had a baseball glove growing up and usually had a softball.  I remember throwing the ball onto roofs and catching it as it fell, kind of a fly ball.  It was a way of playing catch with myself as I played alone.  I remember, less clearly, asking Dad on numerous occasions to play catch with me, but I never recall us doing that.  Perhaps I don't remember those occasions as well because they were absent the emotional impact of that football day. Perhaps it is because of a lowered expectation that he would actually play catch with me.

I remember being taken to Rancho Bowling Alley as an eight-year old by him.  I remember how proud I was that I bowled a 56.  That was in a day where there were no gutter bumpers to keep the ball in play.  I was so young.  But even though he bowled weekly in a league, that was the only time we went bowling together. 

Other than the football games and the Saturday morning bowling trip, and occasionally visiting older people in the capacity of LDS home teaching companions, I don't recall us doing things together, a father and his boy.

To be fair, my Dad was one of eight children.  The stories told by my mother and my siblings of my grandparents usually dealt with what a mean, bitter man his father was, how his father showed favoritism for other siblings, how his father abused his wife--my grandmother who my father adored, and how his father would beat him with the "coal shovel."   

Also, because smoking was disobeying a commandment of the LDS Church, he felt shame for his habit and sought to keep his cigarette use hidden and in secret.  I have wondered if that was a determining factor in why he didn't do things with me, like go fishing or be taken on a business trip.  But I have also wondered if there was something about me....

I also realize that for his generation, parenting was something usually done by the mother and that there was not such a societal or Church focus for fathers to be engaged with their children.  

But I have wondered if all of these reasons are merely excuses for a Dad who didn't want to interact with his son who desperately needed to be attached to him.  I have wondered if he was incapable of really loving, or was I not worthy of his love.

Through my own work being in therapy, and now sitting in the therapist chair, helping others with their family of origin issues, I have realized just how this lack of connection, this abandonment, affects them in many ways, and has affected me as an adult.  When I talk with clients about their abandonment issues and how they manifest in certain dysfunctions in their relationships, I realize how close to home that is for me.  

I have wondered if I had been fathered differently if I would have been a better father to my two boys.  And I wonder how my boys will be as fathers to their boys.

And so here I am, a 60-year old, understanding where many of my abandonment feelings originated, yet wistful about my upbringing by my father.  I have mourned the feelings of not having a father who loved and cherished me. I have wept over that loss and how nothing can be done to change the past. I have surrendered my past to God knowing that this abandonment was part of my journey and was an important factor in becoming the sensitive, caring, empathetic person that I believe I am today.  But the memory of that fall afternoon so long ago still hurts.  

How Do I Teach My Kids About Pornography?

How do you teach your kids about the bad that pornography can do but not teach them they will spiritually die if they look at it?  In other words, teach the dangers without over exaggerating them? 

This is a great question.  Especially since the trend I have seen within our culture is that the way we talk about this issue can unintentionally exacerbate the problem instead of helping find solutions.  We have become too comfortable with the exaggeration of terms such as “addiction” when many teens and pre-teens are merely going through developmental stages where sexual curiosity and confusion is normal and intensified.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Try to have your first reaction be that of normalizing.  It’s normal to be curious. And it’s normal to be aroused and/or disgusted by what you come across (even at the same time). 
2. Try to educate.  Not everything you see which is arousing or “inappropriate” is necessarily pornography.  How would I/you define it?  It’s actually pretty difficult to define and not as easy as “you’ll know it when you see it” (especially if you’re dealing with anyone in an anxiety spectrum disorder). When you do come across pornography, most of it is not very realistic. Bodies don’t often look like they do in porn. And people don’t usually act during sex like you see in porn. Most porn is male-centric (what does that mean)? Some people like making porn and others are either coerced or working through difficult personal issues as they do this type of work.  Some porn is connected with the sex-trafficking industry.  Make your moral stances more than just about the curiosity of looking.
3. Make sure your child understands our current legal climate.  Explain the dangers of “child pornography” and that sometimes you can’t tell if you’re looking at child porn because many states see the involvement of any minor as a “child” (even when they are 17 and look like they might be in their early twenties).  Sexting their own body parts would be considered “child pornography” – and legal ramifications can be devastating, not only for the child who sexted but sometimes parents as well.
4. Talk about our brains – and how they usually do best by allowing for appropriate development. So if you’re looking at 25-year old material when you’re 13 – your brain is probably not going to know how to handle it.  You can flood it with too much stimuli. This doesn’t mean you are not smart or “mature”. It just means you are 13. And overstimulation can cause over-preoccupation.  And by the way – did you know that our brains don’t completely “grow-up” until we are about 26?
5. Admit and recognize that you won’t always be involved.  It’s natural to be embarrassed or private about sexual matters with parents so you might hide some of this behavior from me.  That being the case, you want to let them know of some red flags to look for – would you rather look at porn than go out with your friends? Or is it easier to look at porn than actually take a risk and go on a date and try to kiss someone? Are you feeling guilt – and if so, why? Because there is healthy guilt and unhealthy guilt. Do you have realistic expectations of yourself?  *Often messages like we get from the child’s book Not Even Once Club can wreak havoc on those kids who have tried something once.  And most of our kids have or will.  If they don’t know how to recover from this type of cultural messaging – they are more likely to fall prey to the shame cycle of unwanted behaviors.
6. Back to normalizing: at the end of the day – our penis or clitoris doesn’t know it’s Christian or Jewish. Only parts of your brain know that. So give yourself a break – figure out what is healthy and what isn’t – recognize you’re going to make mistakes – and I hope you can trust me enough to ask questions or figure out decisions if you need help.  I’m here to help you as you have questions – make mistakes – or just explore different options.  
7. Check in with your own anxiety.  Often the anxiety we feel as parents as our children’s sexuality becomes more apparent is paralyzing.  Even trained as a sex therapist – I can relate.   Ask yourself if you are truly a safe place for sexual education in your child’s life.  If your approach deals more with disapproval and punishment rather than radical acceptance and unconditional love – the message will get through loud and clear:  do NOT let Mom or Dad figure out what is going on with me.  It’s OK to set boundaries, have parental controls and express your values and why you have them.  It’s the tone we need to keep constant check on.  Remember that non-verbal communication gets across much faster than verbal – and if the two don’t match, they can tell.  So don’t be afraid to let them know your feelings – this is a scary topic for me, I’m worried about you, I don’t know how best to manage this, etc.  But at the end of the day – one thing that will never change is your value and worth as a daughter or son and the love I have for you.

         Published by Natasha Helfer Parker on August 26, 2014 on her blog The Mormon Therapist 

The Level of Our Dysfunction

There are many books and articles that deal with couple relationships.  Oodles of them!  I certainly haven't read them all, but of the many that I've read, I have not found as of yet a sentiment or phrase that mirrors what I came up with long ago as a new intern.  I find it surprising to not have read it.  It seems to be so self-evident.  I would think that anyone who deals with dyadic, partner relationships on a regular basis would have come to the following conclusion, and written:

Couples find a partner to the level of their dysfunction (or function)

What does that mean?  It means that in nearly all cases, whatever unresolved dysfunction we bring to a relationship as a result of our upbringing or early experiences will cause us to couple up with someone who is as dysfunctional as we are.  Another way of stating it would be:  if I bring negative stuff, issues, @#$%!, to a romantic relationship, my partner will have likely have as much stuff, issues, and @#$%! as I do.  The dysfunctions may not be identical, although in many cases they are (at their core), but we can only attract to us what we are.

Looking at it yet another way, if I am having issues with my partner--the negative baggage they have brought and it is negatively affecting the relationship, chances are that you have either the same issues (at their core) or similar issues as they have.

This concept I consistently find in my work with couples may be difficult to swallow, but if you think about it logically, it can begin to make a lot of sense. 

Let's assume for a moment that our dysfunction/function could be put on a scale of 0 to 5, and 0 is emotionally REALLY messed up, and 5 is emotional REALLY functional and healthy.  If I enter into a relationship at a 2.5, for instance, will someone who is a 4 or more really want to be with me for any period of time?  When the honeymoon phase is past and we begin to see each others' dysfunctional "issues," the "4" will not be tolerant of the "2.5," and the "2.5" will accuse the "4" of thinking that they're perfect.  The relationship will not last long.  

Instead, we unconsciously find comfort connecting with someone who is "like me," who "gets me" or who "connects with me."  Someone who is like you, gets you, and connects with you, will have similar issues and/or as many issues as you do.  It can only be that way!

This premise is also true with our level of function.  If we had the great blessing (luck) of being raised in a somewhat positive, affirming, healthy family, we will likely attract a similarly functioning person. Or to use our scale above, the "4" will likely attract a "3.5" (maybe) or a "4" (probably) or a "4.5." (probably not)

The couples that sit in front of me in therapy are not usually a pair of 4s.  Such a pair would likely not have issues that require psychotherapy.  Instead, I see anywhere from 1 to 3s, in my opinion.  I am happy that they are sitting in front of me because they see themselves as less than what they want to be and are seeking help.

But what I usually see is one partner pointing the finger at the other and expecting them to do the changing; as if their partner is really the dysfunctional one.  And while the accusing partner may want to project a facade of owning part of the problem by admitting that "I'm not perfect," they really do believe that the accused partner IS the problem.  Using my 0-5 scale, the accusing partner really sees him or herself as a "4" and their partner  as a "1" or a "2," if not a "0."  

If my hypothesis is correct, however, then the accusing partner IS part of the problem, likely a significant part, and needs to look at him or herself.  It requires looking at the underlying, core reasons for the problem that exists between partners, and coming to understand and accept one's own dysfunctions.  It often requires looking at one's family of origin and what dynamics were in play during formative years, and how stressful situations were dealt with (or not.)

The good news is that if one partner accepts personal responsibility and works on him or herself, and begins to take steps toward recovery or being in a better psychological place, the other partner will likely feel the need to take their own steps toward recovery or being in a better place.  Or they will run away screaming.  And they will run away screaming because the improving partner is evolving from a "3" to a "3.5" and that will make the "3" uncomfortable.

Taking personal responsibility in a relationship is challenging.  It is much easier to point a finger.  It is much easier to stay stuck (it's the devil you know!)  Working on yourself takes time.  It is a process, but a process that ultimately is worth the trouble.  

There are no guarantees that partnerships will last.  Sometimes the dysfunctions are too great.  Sometimes couples ultimately find out consciously or subconsciously that they are out of sync, as I have discussed above.  But if the partnership does not last, each will take their dysfunctions to the next relationship and will again find someone who is a dysfunctional as they are.  Why not work on one's self, so that if the partnership does not work, the person will be emotionally healthier for the next relationship, and will likely attract someone equally healthy?

I observe some great partnerships.  While they likely have very different personalities, both persons are emotionally healthy, are mindful of the other, are unselfish, and are working on making their partnership work.  It is as if there are three entities in the process: the two partners AND the partnership.  Emotionally healthy couples work on the partnership as they work on themselves because of their deep emotional connection.  They respect one another.  They talk things out.  They are not easily offended. They would never do anything to deliberately hurt the other.  They are of one mind and one heart.

They are undoubtedly similar in their function; it couldn't be otherwise.

The Bait and Switch in Marriage?

"What happened to my wife? She used to be so affectionate before marriage! "This expression is often heard from husbands who wonder how their marital relationship could turn out so differently than they expected. One husband shared his experience as follows:

“Before we were married my wife was very into the idea of being intimate and was looking forward to it. You could tell that her drive was high. But after we got married -- like very shortly afterwards -- her drive disappeared. She swears that it's not me or my performance, but that it's just her. She says she just doesn't know what to do about it, and wants her sex drive to kick in again much like her desire to be a mother kicked in again after we had our first child.”

Another husband wrote:

I’ve been gypped. She pulled a bait and switch on me. My wife was so affectionate before marriage. Now she won’t even let me touch her. Our lovemaking happens only occasionally, and it’s very empty emotionally. Her body is there, but her heart isn’t. I feel deprived and neglected. I’m an easy-going guy, but my wife makes me feel like a sex maniac. I don’t know what’s wrong. It’s like she’s turned stone cold. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time and I never seem to get my needs met. Surely this isn’t how marriage is supposed to be. I always dreamed that intimate relations would be part of a healthy and happy marriage.

Marriage is a Surprise Grab Bag

It's true that marriage is a surprise grab bag. You can never really know what you’re going to get. Marriage, like life, is an adventure that has inevitable surprises, delights and some curve balls too.

This so-called "bait and switch" happens on both sides of the marriage relationship. He may feel gypped about the intimate or sexual aspects of marriage, but a wife may feel gypped about the disappearance of time, attention and non-sexual affection she used to get from her husband prior to marriage.

Specifically speaking of what often happens with women and this bait and switch in marriage, here are fivespecific areas for couples to address to shift their relationship: (1) Attention, (2) Affection, (3) Anticipation, (4) Reality, and (5) Education.

1. Attention. The time and attention a woman receives from her “boyfriend” prior to marriage really feeds her loving feelings, which makes her feel close and connected emotionally to her husband.

That emotional connection provides emotional foreplay that allows her to feel sexually attracted to her husband. When after marriage that time and attention diminishes, it is harder for a woman to feel as emotionally connected, which increases the difficulty of her having romantic feelings towards her spouse.

2. Affection. As a marriage and sex therapist, I hear it over and over (especially from wives) that once sex enters the marital relationship then affection seems to be kicked out the back door.

Affection--without strings attached--is so important in a relationship not only for women, but also for men. Both husbands and wives often find themselves “touch” deprived in marriage because they overlook the need to enjoy non-sexual touch and affection as a pleasure in its own right.

Showing the importance of affection to women, columnist Ann Landers asked women “would you be content to be held close and treated tenderly, and forget about the sex act?” More than 90,000 women responded and said "Yes!" Think about that. You can see how important the emotional and non-sexual niceties in marriage are to a woman.

So, men, keep up on the affection in marriage--especially without it leading to something else! This can help you both not only feel close and connected, but can also help women be more willing and able to move from physical and emotional closeness to sexual connection.

3. Anticipation. In marriage a woman’s sexual fire is fueled as much or more by the anticipation or build up of sexual excitement as the main event itself. Anticipation is a key component of a wife’s sexual wiring.

Prior to marriage women get to bask in the anticipation of sexual intimacy and those pre-sexual intimate feelings knowing that it can’t or won’t go any further.

So, in marriage when a couple can follow through on the physical act of lovemaking, and yet the emotional fuel has diminished, you can see how a husband might interpret the difference as a bait and switch in marriage.

4. Reality. When the realities of life begin to set in marriage it can have a dramatic effect on the intimate relationship. The anesthesia of premarital bliss tends to wear off a bit when there are bills to pay, dishes to do, and babies to tend to.

Those inevitable stressors of family life tend to increase the need for sexual intimacy in men, since lovemaking is a natural stress reliever.

But for women these stressors tend to dampen their desire for sexual intimacy, given that women often need to feel relaxed before they can tune into their desire for sexual connecting.

So, with new babies and the demands of little ones, the reality of sleep deprivation may be one of the leading culprits for young moms when it comes to diminished sexual feelings toward their spouse.

5. Education. The overriding issue for a lot of women in a bait and switch situation is that they are often unaware of what lovemaking and their God-given sexuality is really all about.

Given that there is so little positive affirmation of sex and sexuality (and so much negative) even within marriage, many wives have simply not identified themselves as sexual beings nor embraced their sexuality as good and of God.

This is where many couples will need the help of good books, like And They Were Not Ashamed--Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment, or even a good counselor that is versed in the intricacies of intimacy to help them see where they may be having some difficulties.

What To Do

While some may expect a wife's desire to just show up like one's mothering instincts, it's important to remember that a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship is a learned behavior for couples--grounded upon healthy understanding and healthy attitudes regarding male and female sexual wiring, as well as one’s own sexuality.

The key for those who may be facing a bait and switch situation in marriage is to talk with their spouse about these five issues and see where they may need to make some adjustments. These are just a few of the key issues that may be at play in this marital scenario.

This is an article written by Laura M. Brotherson and published in Meridian Magazine on March 27, 2012.

Believing in the Process

               

                It has been my experience that change is usually not a one-time event.  Whether it is international, national, organizational, familial or personal, change inevitably occurs over time.  It must be so because one-time events rarely have the powerful effect necessary to produce a course change.

                There are exceptions to my postulate.  When the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, the US changed its behavior immediately and declared war because the politicians realized that action needed to be taken quickly.  In the Bible, Paul was visited on the road to Damascus, and that heavenly apparition changed the course of his life from that moment on.  But frankly, such incidents are few and far between.  History is replete with examples of change that occurred over time—sometimes long periods of time.

                Leaving the subject of changes on a macro scale to others with more time and knowledge, I am focusing my thoughts on a micro scale, on changes that occur within individuals, or small groups of individuals, like partners/spouses or families.

                Many persons are content with their lives.  They like where they are physically, emotionally, spiritually, socially, educationally, religiously.  And even though there may be aspects of their lives they wish would change, those desires are really just that--wishes, and not really a deep internal need or feeling to change themselves or their environment.  Change can be challenging, it can be scary, it can be difficult, if for no other reason than that change requires time.  For wishful thinkers, that is too much of a personal investment.

                 Most of the time, people who come to me for psychotherapy are not satisfied with their current situation(s) and, ostensibly, want to change.  Some of the people like me that attend Sunday worship services or recovery meetings are looking to change who they are, although attending such meetings does not mean that someone is honestly looking to effect a change in their lives.  On a personal level, some of my family and friends and I are undertaking the process of attempting to change ourselves, in profound ways.  Thus, much in my life is involved in this process of changing, and so I give it significant thought.

                I have learned that in order for I or someone else to engage in the change process, we have to feel genuine discontentment in what we are, have or do, that whatever challenges that lie ahead are worth the discomfort.  To this end, with certain clients I will occasionally use a couplet I once heard regarding breaking free from addiction.  The couplet reads:

"When the pain of addiction is greater than the pain of recovery, a person will seek for and work on recovery.  But if the pain of recovery is greater than the pain of addiction, a person will stay in their addiction.”

In other words, I have to really dislike who or where I am currently to put myself through the difficult and usually protracted process of change.  And if that change is too daunting, I will continue to live with my current problem(s).  Obviously, this truth pertains to more than just moving past an addiction.

                Also, in order to continue in the process of change, a person needs to believe in the rightness of the journey they are on.  And if that involves a person or persons that are sharing or mentoring that process, they have to believe in them.  This is no easy thing to do for many people, because they may not be sure of the helpful person or their motives, or they have made themselves vulnerable in the past and have been hurt by that person or other persons.  In spiritual matters, a person needs to ultimately believe that God is willing and able to help them in the difficult change process and will not leave them alone.

                The process of change involves being open to people, to possibilities, to direction, to direction changes.  It usually involves reminding ourselves on a regular basis why we are putting ourselves through this.  It usually involves receiving positive feedback from people whom we have allowed to be acquainted with our journey, and to dig deep and give ourselves positive feedback. It involves keeping the goal in mind with our eyes single-mindedly focused on the prize.   It involves humbly admitting when we lose sight of the prize and lose our way, reviewing what happened, learning from it, and then commencing the journey again with new vigor and hope.  (Admittedly, the latter is particularly hard to do alone!)

                It involves being real with ourselves and not allowing ourselves to be caught in the trap articulated in the recent Lego Movie that “everything is awesome!”  It involves realizing the challenging nature of our journey but not being too harsh on ourselves. It involves recognizing and accepting the weariness that we sometimes might feel in our difficult process, and taking care of ourselves by being good to ourselves along the way.  It involves attempting to keep a sense of scope and a sense of humor for our journey.  If we are spiritually minded, it involves “letting go and letting God.”

                I know of what I speak, both clinically and first hand.  I personally am in transition, and it has not been easy.  Currently, I am embarking on preparing to take the test to finally become licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist, and the thought is indeed daunting for me.  I must continue to do what I tell others they should do. 

As I implement these strategies, I have experienced significant contentment and fulfillment.  I have felt satisfaction and increased faith in myself and my ability to meet and work through difficult challenges.  I have acquired greater understanding and new truths about myself and those around me.  I have developed greater empathy and compassion for my fellow travelers along the way.   I have learned to believe in the process!

"You Can Be Angry at Someone (or Something) You Love..."

"You can be angry at someone (or something) you love, and it doesn't always mean the relationship is over."

Years ago, a wise friend shared this with me and when I heard it, I think I stared back at her for a good 90 seconds before I even blinked. It was as if someone stated the painfully obvious that I knew deep down was true, but had never heard verbalized my entire life--let alone seen someone practice it.

Sure, I got it intellectually--anger isn't the end of everything. But the world I lived in never dealt with anger directly or in a healthy way: it was stuffed, covered up, or denied wholesale until it festered right into a resentment, which of course could leap out at any time and punish the offender (who seldom had any idea why they were being punished), with harsh words or any icy freeze-out. This kind of behavior was not only true in my family, but also deeply entrenched into much of my Christian culture where being "nice" seemed to be valued much more than being "genuine."

It took me a long time to understand how to come to grips with the truth of my friend's statement. And, it took me a long time to understand how to deal with my anger in a healthy way, and learn that it's not really "nice" at all to be angry with someone and not be honest about it, and instead carry resentments around with me like a giant bag of rocks.

Today I recognize I have a choice when dealing with anger. I also recognize that "anger" is only one letter short of "danger," and when I don't deal with anger appropriately it often leads me in a hazardous direction where I lose my spiritual center. That one-letter, one-second choice between managing my anger or letting my anger manage me often means the difference between creating cavernous gaps in my relationships, or creating connections with those around me based on honesty, respect, and dignity for both of us.

As an openly gay Christian--and someone who stands as my authentic self in both communities--I get many opportunities to learn how to manage my anger. When I'm faced with anger, I can choose to detach and think before I react. Maybe I choose to remove myself from the situation; perhaps I choose to respond with a simple statement like, "You might be right" to avoid a pointless argument; or I can choose to directly tell another person I feel uncomfortable or angry with their behavior and say what I mean, without being mean when I say it. Then, if I need to, I can choose to process my feelings with a safe and trusted friend in confidence, put the situation in my God Box and give it to Him, or beat the heck out of my pillow with a wiffle bat. I can even choose to do all three.

Everything about maintaining my spiritual center begins and ends with me and the choices I make. When I choose to practice managing my anger in a healthy way, I don't have to carry resentments around like a heavy bag of stones, and I am free to live my life peacefully and with dignity--and allow others the privilege of doing the same.

Posted today by my friend, Mitch Mayne.

Loving Detachment

It may be due to how I perceive what happens around me, but it sure seems like events occur in my life that are meant to teach me some important lesson or truth.  Something will happen, or someone from my past or present will say or do something, or I will receive some inspiration or understanding.  These occurrences will cause me to ask myself, "is there purpose in what I am experiencing?"  "What am I supposed to be learning?"  Sometimes it is a truth that I have already understood, but for some reason it is important to ask myself again in order to internalize once more.

My life seems quite full of those moments.  Perhaps it is because of being an introspective person.  Perhaps it is because of the psychotherapy work that I do each week, particularly with couples or partners in a couple/dyadic relationship, and what I experience in that setting.  Whatever their cause, I routinely have these inner dialogues about meanings.

What was very important for me to understand and internalize a few years ago was the concept of being codependent.  A codependent person has been defined as:  "a person who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."  It is as important to me today as it was when I first understood it, and I understand it better now because I continually scrutinize my life, and because I see codependency everywhere I look!

I learned that codependency is what I call "the mother of all addictions" because 1) it is a behavior present in nearly every addiction, and 2) it is the most wide spread addictive behavior of them all.  And while many people would say they have no addictions or addictive behaviors, given some time to review their behaviors with those around them especially with their children, I can usually spot codependent behavior.  Codependence is really an addiction, and most people are blissfully ignorant of it.

The truth of codependency was given to me through examining my life, observing what was happening around me, and seeing my own codependence, particularly with my wife, children and extended family.  I realized that I allowed myself to be negatively impacted by a loved one, who for whatever reason did not do or be what I asked them to do or be, or who for whatever reason did not return the love I had offered them in my words or deeds.  I wanted them to follow my path or to think well of me, and that they didn't do it was unbearable.

As a result of my research, my experience in the psychological health care field, and my own life experience, when I have codependent expectations (and I sometimes still do), they are almost always about me and not about the loved one.  In other words, if my teen aged child decided not to follow my path, including my morals and values, and I attempted to control their behavior, that is really about my anxiety, and not necessarily about my love for them.  If I allow their contrary behavior to affect me negatively, that is my issue, not theirs.

For example, if my wife does something that I wish she didn't do, or think she should do something differently, a better way (my way), a way that to my belief wouldn't cause so many problems, I am attaching to her in a codependent way.  If I am trying to live her life for and through her, I have made her life about me, not about her.  It is easier for me to stay unhealthily attached to her.  At least I can live in the illusion that I'm trying to help her.

To the degree that I worry, stew, react, or try to control her, I am being codependent.  I have made her behavior about me.  But in doing so, I am disrespecting both her and me.  Never mind that what I am doing keeps my emotions churning because of what she did or didn't say or do, or will do next.  Never mind that what I am doing isn't really helping her or me.  

If I am so enmeshed and attached to her, and don't realize what I am doing, I will keep on doing it because it's my default setting, and it's easy.   Self-realization is challenging and frought with fear, and usually requires change.  Ouch!

I am experienceing a better way.  It is called "loving detachment."  It is not a cold, hostile withdrawal, a resignation, a despairing acceptance or what life has dealt me.  It is not ignorant bliss or being unaffected by people and problems.  It is not cutting off relationships or a removal of love or concern.

It is lovingly, not angrily, disengaging mentally, emotionally, and sometimes even physically from unhealthy entanglements that belong to another person's life.  It is calmly detaching from their responsibilities, from problems we cannot solve.  In her landmark book titled Codependent No More, which I esteem nearly as important as religious scripture, Meloldy Beattie writes the following:

Detachment is based on the premise that each person is responsible for himself, that we can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve, and that worrying doesn't help.  We adopt a policy of keeping our hands off other people's responsibilities and tend to our own instead.  If people have created disasters for themselves, we allow them to face their own proverbial music. [Yes, parents, that means us!]  We allow people to be who they are.  We give them the freedom to be responsible and to grow.  And we give ourselves that same freedom.  We live our own lives to the best of our ability.  We strive to ascertain what it is we can change and what we cannot change.  Then we stop trying to change things we can't.

She further writes incitefully about having faith in ourselves, our Higher Power (if we have one), and other people: 

We believe in the rightness and appropriateness of each moment.  We release our burdens and cares, and give ourselves the freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems.  We trust that all is well in spite of our conflicts.  We trust that Somebody greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening.  We understand that this Someone can do much more to solve the problem than we can.  So we try to stay out of His way and let Him do it.  (And I would say that from my personal experience, He is much better at solving problems than I am--because that is His responsibility and He does it perfectly!)


I have felt a great increase in my personal peace, my personal serenity.   I have felt more energized about my life and my ability to find real solutions to problems.  I have felt much less guilt about my life and responsibility for the lives of others.  And in some cases when I have lovingly detached, it has motivated and freed people around me to begin to solve their own problems.  I have stopped worrying about them and they have picked up the slack and have finally started taking responsibility for themselves.   I am minding my own business.

An acknowledgement as I conclude this blog posting.  Sometimes detaching lovingly is impossible, but often that has to do with our loved one.  We shouldn't think that it is impossible as we begin the process of detaching lovingly, but sometimes it is in our best mental and emotional health to just detach--and maybe it won't be pretty.   Detaching is ultimately about taking care of one's self.  And if you find you can't detach, try to relax, chill out, sit back, and take a deep breath.  Just try to make their lives about them and not about you!

Twelve Relationship Myths

        1.      If we loved each other, we wouldn’t have any problems.  Relationships require self-knowledge, listening skills, problem solving skills, hard work, and the ability to relax and have fun.  With these resources, you will find your relationship much more likely to thrive.  Love alone is not enough.

     2.     If my partner really loved me, he/she would know what I want.  The more your partner gets to know you, the easier it will be to know many of your wishes.  However, sometimes we year to slip back to a very young phase of life when mother knew what our crying meant and would change our diaper, hold and cuddle us, or recognize you needed to get to bed soon.  Or we might have had an overly involved mother during our childhood and teenage years.  Since your partner has not been with you all of your life, he/she will probably need you to define the subtle nuances of the things you want.  Of course, even then you may find your partner not picking up on your expressed wish.  This can be quite disappointing and deserves to be explored in a time and space when both of you are in a relatively non-defensive place.

      3.     I have to say what I feel/You should say what you feel.  Saying much of what you feel helps partners to relate and make your relationship work.  However, sharing a negative feeling at the wrong time and/or in the wrong way may produce a very unhappy outcome.  One does not have to reveal feelings in any given moment.  Given in the wrong way can produce a lot of reactive defensiveness on your partner’s part.  In fact, such a bombshell may lead to a very unhappy, unproductive situation.  You can make a decision to hold onto the feelings until a good time for sharing, and you should make every effort to tell your partner when that will be.  Holding onto feelings until the right time can save a marriage/partnership.  However, repressing your feelings without ever exploring their negative impact on you can lead to anger and to distancing from your partner.

      4.     Getting out all of your feelings will strengthen your partnership.  Feelings need to be responded to with empathy and care.  Creative solutions need to be discovered.  Exploring all of your feelings in one sitting can be a script for disaster.  The middle of the night when you both are tired and exhausted is not the best time for creative barnstorming.  Often, problems will become less so as time goes by.  Talking about your feelings over a period of time will allow you both to recover and will allow what may be less important to fade.

             5.  If my partner would just change, our relationship would be great.  Most relationship counselors find both partners feel this way when therapy begins.  As you grow, you will learn that you can only change yourself.  You cannot change your partner’s behavior; only he/she can—if they want to.  Waiting until your partner changes simply is folly and not an effective way to improve your relationship.  Serenity comes from accepting that you cannot change your partner and exercising courage to change yourself and it is a process to know how to do that.  Looking for ways to develop your own self-understanding and your social skills can dramatically strengthen your partnership.

            6.  Unless my partner talks about his/her feelings, I will always feel like I do not know him/her.   Often, feeling-driven partners have a desperate need to hear about their partner’s feelings, and they spend wasted energy confronting the partner about how they “never share feelings.”  Many individuals—especially women—turn outward to express and to process their feelings.  Others—often men—turn inward to explore their own inner yearnings.  Some research even indicates that men are “hard wired” to be less in touch with their feelings.  Repeated confrontation around this subject leads to even more defensiveness and subsequent withdrawal.  Finding times to relax and share common visions and dreams leads to a more free-flowing exchange of thoughts and feelings. 

     7.   If she would just be more logical/rational, then at least we might get somewhere in this conversation.   Individuals are different.  You may have fallen in love with a partner who more easily accesses the part that you find most difficult.  So some men seem to “allow the spouse to do the feeling for them.”  Thinkers need to remember that to their opposites, feelings are facts and facts need to be gathered as a part of any decision making process.  Learning to listen all the way through what is being stated through active or reflective listening will provide a much more acceptable environment for your partner to the clarity of your logic.

     8.   The perfect partner could make my life complete.  The reality is that only you can make your life complete.  We may marry someone who does bring a new dimension to our lives and then believe that by “osmosis” we will absorb the trait of our partner.  But the hard work of sorting what you need in your life, identifying a way to get there, and setting things in motion remains entirely up to you.  You will make more progress by attempting to live your life to the fullest and inviting your partner to share and enjoy your life with you.

     9.    If he were just honest, I could deal with anything my partner did.  If one has been raised in a family where there was punishment for dishonesty, that person will probably wince or become angry at any discovery that their partner has been hiding something.  That person may even become an expert at pointing out ways that their partner may be in denial about their denial.  Other persons are raised in families where what mom and dad did not know kept them from being punished.  Withholding certain things in that context seemed like the smartest thing to do.  Once again the focus on “just being honest” can be a way of retreating into mutual defensiveness rather than looking at the roots of the deception and making it safe to be honest.

           10.     If we just had more sex, everything would be great.  Most couples experience a difference in sexual appetite.  For men, sometimes the demand to have sex becomes a way of resolving everything rather than looking at the deeper issues that need to be explored.  The man’s yearning to be more physical at times often misses the disconnection that the spouse may be feeling that keeps her from feeling emotionally close enough to enjoy having sex with him.  Truthfully, women crave emotional connection with their spouse and without it, she may feel pressured and feel anger if compelled or manipulated into having sex.  Sex is a delicate dance that requires great sensitivity on the part of both partners.

            11.    Never go to bed angry.  The middle of the night tends to be a poor time to be creative in problem solving or discerning the nuances of your partner’s feelings.  Some well-meaning authority figures in our lives sometimes share this admonition prior to marriage and couples feel the burden to stay up all night to work through an issue.  Either partner would do well to recognize the degree to which clarity does not seems to be emerging in a conversation.  Continuing to talk in this situation will likely lead to things being said that neither will want to remember the next day.  Couples should find relief in agreeing to a “ceasefire.”  If a partner tends to feel abandoned in such a circumstance, he/she will likely respond to setting a clear time and date for renewing the attempt to problem solve when both partners can think clearly.  This concept works during the day as well.  Giving a spouse hope for resolution of a problem through offering to revisit it at a specified time works wonders, but it is important that the appointment be kept when meaningful “win-win” solutions can be negotiated.

            12.     My partner had a physical or emotional affair because he/she is selfish and doesn’t love me anymore.  This is a very natural response to the discovery of an affair.  However, affairs happen for many reasons and mean very different things to different individuals. These differences can lie in cultural expectations, what one’s parent(s) did, or from a deep sense of loneliness.  It usually is a selfish act, but it is often a complicated act.

Often when one emerges out of the shell of an old sense of purpose, one often feels empty and does know what will make life seem exciting again.  Like a teenager, a partner does not know what might work but cannot imagine that a parent—or in this case a partner—will understand.  Again the pursuit of an affair can be a way to try to understand what one is searching for.

The reasons above do not excuse a partner from having had an affair because affairs have a devastating impact on most relationships, yet assuming that your partner no longer loves you may prove to be an erroneous perception.  There needs to be an exploration of what the partner who had the affair actually feels about the spouse, often best accommodated with the help of a therapist or clergy.  The betrayed spouse needs to observe if the partner acknowledges the tremendous breach of trust, wants to understand the pain, and is committed to sincerely rebuilding the relationship.  If such “turnabout” is sincere through actions, the relationship may well be salvageable and worth the effort it will take to rebuild it.  

Based upon a paper written by L. David Willoughby, MFT, RN, and edited by Robert Davis, MA, MFTI